It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year!

*dances around* HELLO AUTUMN!!!!!!!!

I cannot express how glad I am for cooler weather, and especially these gloriously gloomy gray days. Nothing beats the pleasure of hot tea in the mornings, after waking up in a cool bed. I'm also more inclined to knit and get work done on my yarns, and I've started lifting weights again. Doing anything is much more pleasant when it's not stifling hot in the apartment.

That being said, I still am struggling with a lack of motivation for most things, most days. I've come to realize that the depression I've been experiencing since I was ten years old is becoming more of a problem than I can deal with on my own. I don't want to go the pharmaceutical route, but if it eventually comes to that, so be it. I'm so tired of being trapped in my own head, unable to focus, unable to think clearly, unable to gain momentum in any direction. I feel like I could have accomplished so much over the past year, if I weren't being held hostage by a gray fog that hovers inside and around me. The feeling is akin to walking across a field on a foggy, cloudy night under a new moon- you can force yourself to walk, but you have no clue where you're going, each step is a potential stumble because you can't even see the ground, and it doesn't matter how determined you are to reach the edge of the field, you're going to wind up lost somehow.

But, in happy news, I was chosen to review nail art products for a company called Born Pretty, and I've had a lot of fun with them so far. The manicures are on my instagram (@slacquerlacquer). And, I'm going to visit my sister this week. I'm going up on Thursday night, Friday we're going up to our stepdad's place to put flowers in Mom's garden, where her ashes were scattered, Saturday we're going to see a show in PA (Dope w/ Motorgrind) and then Sunday I'll be heading back. I'm also due for a phone upgrade- hopefully I'll get my new debit card Tuesday and I'll be able to get it taken care of before I go to my sister's place.

My brain is fuzzing out again, sorry. Totally losing focus. At least I can keep working on getting fit, so at least my body won't be a wreck anymore. And although I often don't want to work out, I always feel much better after I do. I remind myself that my goal is to be strong and capable of defending myself in case I need to- I am not going to be a victim ever again. I'm making myself strong for that scared little girl who still lives inside me.

okay, off to bed for me. I've been plagued for a long time now with this recurring dream- the scenery varies, but the premise is the same, where I'm at school, and I can't remember my locker combination, and it's the last day of school, and they're going to throw out everything in my locker if I can't get it open. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with my dropping out of college, but whatever it is, it's getting really old, really fast. I'm gonna look it up and psychoanalyze it as I fall asleep, maybe I'll snap out of it. Fingers crossed for sweet dreams!

How Weight Loss Led To A Mom Hair Cut.

So uh, long time no see. Apparently I did such a great job of losing weight, and lost so much pure fat so quickly, that I threw myself into a hormonal imbalance. As a result, I'm battling zits like I'm 15 again, weepy feelings akin to constant PMS, and the crown jewel... a condition known as telogen effluvium. My hair is now in a dormant phase, which means it's coming out in clumps and much thinner than it usually is... so I decided to bite the bullet and got myself a pixie cut. I was really pleasantly surprised by how good it looks- I didn't think my small head could rock it with my still not so small body, but I was losing my patience with the constant presence of hair EVERYWHERE. So, at the risk of looking like an SJW or a pre op tranny, I got it all chopped off. By the time it really starts growing back, it'll be out of the dormant phase (December-ish) and I won't be freaking out at a constantly full hair brush.

In yarn news, my yarns are now being carried by a shop in Massachusetts! I'm so excited- they found me on Etsy and asked if I wanted to work with them. Hell yes. I've got a goal in mind to vend at Vogue Knitting Live 2018, so the more I expand, the better. I sent them both commercial based, repeatable colorways, and a few "top shelf" yarns, the recycled ones. I sent them the best of the best, so I'm hoping they do well and I earn some more customers.

I've got some sweaters to work on, and this laptop on my lap is not making the last of the summer heat any more pleasant, so I'm gonna skedaddle now. Fall can't come fast enough!!!

Spontaneous Sister Visit!

Oh my goddd, I had SO MUCH FUN Thursday into Friday! My sister was on vacation, and since we haven't seen each other in a few years, she came down for a visit. Upon checking into the hotel (we stayed in downtown Brooklyn, right off the Fulton mall) the desk clerk looked at us and went, "I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you two play rugby!"

...yeah no, we didn't know what prompted that either, but it was greatly amusing to both of us. And we had to wait a while for the room to be ready, so we sat in the bar next door and got a bit tipsy, including free drinks because the bartender loved us, and then we went up, dropped our bags off, and went out thrifting. My sister loved the huge store I brought her to, as I knew she would. We then walked over to the other location that just opened, then went back to our hotel after picking up a few beers at Duane Reade. I did her nails- and did a great job, considering I was tipsy and she kept moving her hands, haha. Her pointers and pinkies had black bird silhouettes on multi-colored strands, with blue french tips, and her middle and ring fingers had black cat faces peeping over the tips, and each cat was looking sideways at the bird next to it. I should just upload pics, but they're on my instagram (@slacquerlacquer). I was pretty proud of them. I'm definitely going to recreate it on my own nails at some point. We went out to Applebee's for dinner (safe choice, as my sister has food issues, so better to go with the devil you know!), went back to the hotel, and passed outttt. The next morning, we tried to go to IHOP for breakfast, but uh, let's just say the customer service was lacking, so we split and decided to skip breakfast in favor of walking across the Brooklyn Bridge instead. WOW, it was beautiful! Way too crowded, but lovely, and great weather for it. The first time I did it, it was in winter, so there weren't nearly as many people. This time, it was borderline insanity.

We took the train uptown to 23rd, did some more thrifting, and I got 2 cute tops. Much easier to shop, now that I've lost weight! We had lunch at a nearby diner and then went back to Grand Central to relax and wait for her train. Tons of fun all around, and we got a whole lot of walking in.

I'm still waiting on my yarn to get here, and it seems like it'll be further delayed as the address was put in wrong- not sure if it was on my end or theirs, but I'm pretty sure I would have noticed it if I had put in 20&1 for my address! Maybe not though, so who knows.

As far as weight loss goes, between the constipation and now my period, nothing has budged, but nothing has been gained either, so I'm not complaining. I usually have a WHOOSH where I lose like 5 pounds after my period, so I'm eagerly anticipating that.

Alright, I'm way behind on my nail blogging, so I need to go take care of that. I'm currently wearing real crushed pearls on my nails- I had some less than ideal freshwater pearl beads left over from a shawl commission, with chips and dull bits and poorly drilled holes, so I crushed them up with a pair of pliers and put them on my rings and thumbs. They were for the Prince nail art challenge I joined, the theme this week being Diamonds and Pearls. Totally in love with my nails right now! 

PHASE 3 IS ACTIVE. I REPEAT. PHASE 3 IS ACTIVE.

I just bit the bullet and dropped $114.09 on some commercial yarn bases for my shop. Totally reasonably priced yarns, and they're already hanked, so I don't need to wind off a cone before dyeing. I bought two different kinds of sock yarn, some cotton yarn, and some worsted superwash merino. I'm going to start dyeing the prototype skeins this week at some point, although I need to buy some cheapo wool to dye from somewhere first, because I haven't got enough skeins to cover the initial colorways I have in mind. I want to set up at least 5, maybe six different colorways, and they're going to have to be dyed to order for the time being, because I won't have enough stock to have sitting around pre dyed. Also, I need to go to Dick Blick this week at some point and pick up pink dye, black dye (both acid dyes), soda ash, and urea. Maybe in the future I'll feel justified in placing a big ass Dharma Trading order again, and paying a million dollars in shipping, but for the time being, I don't need enough to warrant it. I'm REALLLY, REALLLLLY excited about all this. Really excited. Super duper ally ooper sparkling excited! I feel like I should probably have made commercial yarns an option all along, but you know, hindsight is 20/20 and all that. Phase 3 refers to the third part of my plan to make this production phase possible, so I've been waiting for this day for a few months now.

I went to KMart last night and bought myself some new shorts and bras and shoes. A cute pair of fucking around shoes (slip on sneaker type things for running errands around town) and an absolutely darling pair of heeled leather wedges with black flowers on top. Really comfy, too. I'll be wearing those to the drag queen event I'm going to be playing violin in later this month. I was approached by a gentleman with a guitar as I was busking in the subway last week, and he wants me to be part of a quartet to play some accompaniment music to what I get the impression is a drag queen fashion show of some sort. These sorts of odd opportunities used to crop up all the time when I was more socially active; I should try to get out and about more. I needed to isolate myself completely for a while, but I think it would do me good to remember what it's like to connect with other people again.

I talked to my sister last night on the way to KMart, and walked there and back since it's only 2.2 miles round trip. I got updated on family nonsense, and discovered that she's got vacation time coming up in the beginning of July (right before my birthday!) so I'm TOTALLY going up there. She's all excited because it's a milestone birthday for me, and I'm just like whatever, I'm a late bloomer so calm down, hahaha. Hopefully I'll actually have something to celebrate by then- I'm not big on celebrating things just because the calendar tells me to. I'll definitely be placing another order with my yarn supplier after I get paid for this months work, although I'm hoping to be sold out of my initial run by then so I can do a REALLY BIG order. DOLLA DOLLA BILLZ Y'ALL!!!

As far as weight loss goes, I'm momentarily stalled by the constipation monster :-( BUT. I wish I knew how to make gifs... wait omg I do. Because my arm muscles are becoming visible, and flexing in front of a mirror is one of my new favorite amusements. I'm going to make a gif and send it to my soul sister, aka my fellow shieldmaiden in training, and she's gonna die laughing. My quads are becoming quite defined too, although the downside of that is that my inner thighs look a LOT worse now, since they're mostly covered in fat. And while I love seeing the changes in my body, and watching myself slim down and build muscle, I have to say that FEELING the changes is even better. I feel much stronger, faster, and lighter already. I'm sorry I didn't have the motivation to do this sooner. It's affecting my brain and depression in positive ways too. I'm more motivated in all areas of thinking and doing, these days. Sitting around and being a lazy, excuse ridden fuck is an absolutely miserable way to live. I don't think I'll ever go back to that again. 

Another Pound Bites the Dust...

...and another one, gone, and another one gone... and I'm down to 169 now, woo! Took a little longer than I would have liked, as I don't poop as much as I used to. But I definitely did a happy dance! And my thighs, holy shit. Three weeks of lunges and I'm starting to see actual muscle definition in my quads. I'm going much harder on my arms now too, so hopefully in a few weeks, I'll see real change there too.

We went to go see the Murder Junkies play last night, as it's probably the last chance to see them, period. It was weird, because we didn't know anyone there except for a guitarist friend who played with them for a few songs. We've seen them play before, but those shows were put together by friends, and since at least one of the Murder Junkies + said friends no longer get along, someone else put on the show. The opening act was a decent band called Spewing Cum. Decent as in, they were shit musically, but they were pretty solid as far as punk goes. I think we were both reminded why we never go out anymore, though. It was hot, crowded, and shows just don't entertain either of us like they used to.

That being said, I recently realized I'm not a fan of entertainment, period. I don't want to be entertained. Being entertained denotes sitting on one's ass and watching something, in order to find amusement or distraction from reality. I don't want to be distracted from reality, and I am more than capable of finding my own amusements. Making yarn is an amusement, as is knitting, spinning, dyeing, nail art, etc. I'm so in love with my hobbies and small business that I literally don't want to do anything else! Just think for a minute: when you're on your deathbed, and you look back on how many days of your life are comprised of hours spent sitting on your ass, watching something someone else made- are you gonna feel regret that you didn't spend more time making/doing your own interesting things? I know I'd feel really sore about it.

As far as the nail stuff goes, wow! Already ~140 followers, and I've had this account less than a month. Whoever is in charge of the Sally Hansen (BIG nail products company) Instagram has reached out to me three times, on three separate pictures, I've posted, asking if they could use them. Woo!

Ahhhh... there's an absolutely heavenly breeze wafting through the window right now, clearing out the smell of hamburgers from the apartment. I love that stove top grill, but it does smoke the place up. I'm gonna suggest getting new filters for the range hood, and of course I'm gonna get shot down, until he realizes it actually IS a good idea. Derp derp derp, physics, how do they work... okay, off to do my stupid little instagram ad rating thing. I'm gonna love that check, but ugh, the work is so tedious!

The Gods Will Always Smile On Brave Women

That's what my favorite t-shirt says, and I take it to heart. Bravery isn't easy, or it wouldn't be brave. It's not always fun, and it often involves blood, sweat, and tears. I remind myself of this often when I need to push through fear, depression, fatigue, etc, to reach goals.

There are going to be many hard and scary moments in my immediate future, the life changes I am making make them inevitable. As long as I stay motivated and focused on my goals, I'll reach them one by one. Sometimes I need to bite my tongue, sometimes a tongue lashing is in order. I've learned when each is appropriate over the years, and I have no problem disguising my true feelings if it means getting what I need. (My vagueness here is entirely intentional, by the way.)

I must always remember to be brave though. I'm no longer the scared little girl, cowed into submission by her domineering, abusive aunt. I'm a full grown woman and it's time I take charge of my own life. There is no reason I shouldn't be doing what I want to do, free of constraints. There is no reason I should keep handing authority to other people, no reason I should settle for complacency or half assed contentment when what I really want is still out of reach. I'm not going to be ruled by fear of hurting other people's feelings any longer, when they clearly don't give a shit about mine. I'm not making excuses for myself anymore. If things are slow, I am patient, as long as they are still progressing. I have goals, I have plans to reach those goals, and I am working diligently on them every single day. I will get there. And bless my fuck, it's gonna be glorious when I do. 

BA BAM

172.2 as of this morning (Wednesday, 5/18/16)! I'm so excited, I will probably be back in the 160s by next week. Perhaps even the end of this week!

I revised my workout routine yet again, and added a few more exercises- after cutting a few out. I want to focus more on toning my arms. I was focusing a little too much on exercises that targeted the back and shoulders and didn't realize it. I feel satisfied now that I'm going to make visible progress on my arms soon. My best friend and I are both going for Viking woman arms, as we like to call them. I feel excited about working out again- I don't dread it anymore. Instead, I look forward to pushing myself to grow stronger and more fit and capable with every movement. I've always had a fair bit of muscle (especially in my thighs) but when I was last "thin" (I was never really thin, even with a BMI on the low end of healthy) it was more skinny fat than anything. I've never been in really good shape before. I'm really anticipating seeing what the melting fat reveals, now that I'm building up muscle. I'm especially impatient to get all this fucking belly fat off of me, so fasting every day until dinner has become the norm for me, whether I'm working out or not. Only black coffee or tea and water until dinner. If I'm having difficulty with hunger pangs or whatever (which hasn't really happened yet) there's always chewing gum. Mostly I'm too busy futzing around doing things to get fussed about food much. With food, it's literally "out of sight, out of mind" for me, and if I don't see it, I won't think about it- so I try to avoid places on the internet that will shove food in my face (ads, etc) and I don't watch TV unless I'm eating (never really did anyway). I have an "emergency" bag of oats stashed in the fridge, so if I'm ravenous for whatever reason, or dizzy, or having hunger related issues, I can always whip up some oats really fast and not feel guilty about a million calories. That hasn't happened yet though, so I think this is gonna work out pretty well for me. I've found that I'm much less likely to get hungry during the day if I don't eat in the morning anyway. Apparently there have been athletes and body builders who adopted this diet style of one meal a day, so that clinches it for me. If they could do it, so can I!

I do eat a very balanced,varied diet with lots of meat and veggies, so I'm not overly concerned about vitamin deficiencies at the moment. I might add in a multi vitamin at some point, but unless it becomes necessary, I'm not concerned about it. Hair is great, skin is great, nails are great (despite getting painted all the goddamn time) and as long as everything continues to be great, GREAT! My main concern is really just maintaining a calorie deficit.

I feel like I'm very much in a cocoon right now- I've cut myself off from all except my closest friends and sister, and no one else has seen me or heard from me. I'm not on facebook, not on my regular Instagram except to do my ad rating thing, and I haven't recorded a podcast in months! I'm really just focusing on myself right now, and transforming myself into who I've always wanted to be, while discovering what I'm capable of. Every day is a new excitement when I see I've dropped some weight- and little by little, I'm excitedly watching the changes in my face and body as they transform, finally revealing themselves after being covered up by so much ugly fat for so long. I'm also slowly getting things in motion for the next phase of my yarn shop, so that's transforming too. Everything feels like it's suspended in goo right now, just like the inside of a cocoon, but I know that when I eventually emerge from my self imposed isolation, I'm gonna be sitting on a rock solid foundation of confidence and stability, a foundation I finally built myself. I might be a late as fuck bloomer, but better late than never!

*yawn* ok, it's definitely bed time now. I'm tuckered out. I've been having really vivid, colorful dreams lately, so I'm kinda curious to see what madness I'll fall into tonight. My dreams lately have ranged from hog tying someone, to knocking someone out with a text book, to examining the crotch of an elaborately embroidered, antique Italian theater costume (nope, not gonna touch that one, but the embroidery was lovely!) Fingers crossed for a weight below 172 tomorrow!

FINALLY.

I've been stuck on a weight loss plateau for the last MONTH. I've been hovering between 175 and 177, and FINALLY TODAY I am down to 174. I worked out hard today, kept my calories low, and tomorrow could be even better! I mean, I know it would be better if I could freakin' poop. I haven't been drinking enough water lately and the coffee I've been trying to compensate with isn't helping very much. Everything gets a little messed up when I get my period, though. 

I have the sweetest freakin' nails on right now. They totally remind me of Peggy Bundy and I love them! 

They are so unbelievably glossy and perfect, I could just stare at them allll daaayyy longgg... oh wait, I kind of have been, haha. So much love for these bad girls. I did them as part of an Instagram nail art challenge that I'm really glad I joined. I may matte them tomorrow, just to see what they look like. Still gorgeous, but I'm sure they'll look really cool. I looooove matte nail polish. NOTE TO SELF, THIS ISN'T YOUR NAIL BLOG SO SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR NAILS NOW, KBYE

I don't really have much else to say at the moment, I guess. I just wanted to record my plateau breaking for posterity. Feelin' pretty pleased with myself right now, after feeling very unpleased and frustrated for so long. That being said, I need to change up my routine again. I want to focus on my arms a little more, namely biceps and triceps. I upped the weights on the last sets each of lunges ("goalposts"), what I call seal flippers, and what I call sea gulls, because I can't remember what the exercises are if I write down their actual names on my little chart. My gut looks a bit smaller today, which is nice... it's finally going into the "just sticks out grossly" stage, as opposed to the "hangs down grossly" stage. Progress is motivating me a little bit, not gonna lie. It's keeping me from stuffing my face with what (admittedly, little) there is around here to stuff my face with, and it helped me get through an entire work out today. I am rapidly becoming less and less amorous towards food, and my stomach definitely doesn't fit as much in it anymore, a welcome side effect of intermittent fasting. When we went out for dinner yesterday, I ate half a plate of nachos (no meat, just cheese, guacamole, beans, jalapenos, radishes, and sour cream) which was probably about 700 cals, and then I could only eat half my chicken caesar salad (ate the rest hours later, not because I was very hungry but because caesar salad gets weird after more than 12 hours or so) which was probably about 350 cals, according to my fella. Actually, he tried to tell me the whole salad was 600 but I'm not buying it. It wasn't a huge salad, but still. It was a Mexican rendition of a caesar salad, so no croutons, and surprisingly not heavy on dressing, but there were chips in it. SELF CONTROL AND DISCIPLINE ARE EFFECTIVE DIETING STRATEGIES, WHO WOULD HAVE FUCKING THOUGHT, EH? 

"I don't really have much else to say," said the girl, before she proceeded to ramble on like a honeysuckle vine that takes over the back fences of six yards in a row. I feel like there was something else I was gonna mention, but it seems to have floated off. Guess it wasn't terribly important! Tra la la. Until next time, then. 

Green thumbs + Pretty Nails

So almost everything I planted has sprouted- except the cucumbers and scallions, but that's alright because I planted WAY too many tomatoes, and need the extra pots. Even after thinning the herd and culling some... gahhhhh, I feel more than a little guilty for having to cull some. It's like, "You tried little honey, and I'm sorry you're the weakest of the herd, and it's not your fault I planted too many of you, and you really tried your best but INTO THE TRASH WITH YOU!" I'm pretty sure I apologized to at least some of them as I tossed them, but still. SO GUILTY.

I successfully controlled my appetite and chose to fast until dinner last night, and I was really proud of myself for that. It's essential to get my weight loss back on track sometimes, I just need to really rein myself in on weekends now so I don't need to fast during the week. I'm actually thinking of fasting until dinner every day that I don't work out, unless I have errands and walking around to do, if I can't seem to get myself under control on the weekends. I'm being understanding towards myself in regards to my depression- because when that fog settles on me, I literally just don't fucking care about being good, or motivated, or making positive changes, but I need to make willpower & sensible eating habits that are ingrained in me. That way, regardless of my apathy, it'll be second nature not to want to eat my lack of feelings. I've been struggling to make myself work out lately too, but since I've made that a habit, there's no question that I'm just going to fucking do it, regardless of how little I want to. And... I have to say, I picked up some exterior motivation lately. Serious motivation, although it still hasn't been firing me up as much as I'd like. There's this site I've been hanging out on called Fat People Hate, and I was actually turned on to it by a friend who is literally twice my size, but she said it motivates her so I took a look. It's basically equal parts mocking fat people (even those who are just overweight, known as "smallfats", which I myself am one at the moment!) and a strong backlash against the HAES (Health At Every Size- which is fucking retarded to anyone with a basic knowledge of how human bodies work) and FA (Fat Acceptance) movements. Why, you might ask, are you enjoying a site that mocks people with YOUR VERY OWN body type? Well, for starters, I completely agree that HAES and FA are bullshit, and cop outs for people that don't want to exercise or change their diets- they want science and medicine to change their definitions of healthy, and society to change their standards of beauty, to fit THEM. Fat chance! (pun intended.) For another thing, it reminds me how much I hate my own body, how wrong I know all this excess fat is, and how much work I still need to do to achieve my goals. (But let me just break in here to say that two weeks of doing lunges w/ weights held over my shoulders- think of my arms in a goal post shape- has made a ridiculous difference in my thighs already. They are the devil, and the devil is good. So at least there's that. And also, my stomach is noticeably flatter now, so I have a much nicer bust to waist to hip ratio, and I'm definitely getting more attention for it!) The main motivator though- okay, so one of the mods posts an album of the cream of the crop from the whole FA movement (usually mostly found on tumblr) just about every day, and more often than not, this chick is featured, something about spookyfatbabe or something, and MY GOD I DESPISE HER. Her face is just so fucking punchable, and she's so fucking delusional. She tries WAY too hard to be attractive, probably because she's SO FUCKING FAT. So now every time I pick up the weights, I remind myself that I'm doing it so that I don't ever look like her. I remind myself that people in the FA movement would tell me I don't need to work out, that I should just love my body and be a lazy, fat fuck- and I don't want to be like them, so I need to get my ass in gear. I do have far more discipline than I did even just a few months ago, so I'm making mental progress on all this. I'm seeing the light, yo.

Annnnd that had nothing to do with the nails mentioned in my title, ahem. Nails: I joined a site called Nailpolis (which bugs the fuck out of me, I think it should be Nailopolis, but whatevs) and even though it's not exactly buzzing with activity, it's useful. I've picked up a bunch more Instagram followers, so I'm hoping the more swatches and art I can get out there, the more I can get the ball rolling towards the ULTIMATE GOAL: getting sent nail polish to swatch! I've been practicing with striping tape lately, and I'm getting a lot better. I really am dying for my nails to grow out a little more, into a better shape. I cut my corners a few weeks ago, in a vain attempt for a coffin shape, but alas, for they were not long enough and it looked really dumb. Now they just look mildly dumb, but hurry up and fucking grow already, shitlords!

My fella finally put his fucking guitar away, so I'm heading to bed now. I did an exceptionally drainful workout today, and I can't wait to hit the pillow and snooze. Woo, SLEEP! 

#100!

Well, it only took... what, 4 years? but I made it to 100 posts! Incredible, all the things that have happened in these past 4 years. 4 is such a small number, and 4 years is about 1/20th of the average life span. /useless reflections

So I picked up this freelance thing, rating Instagram ads, and it's only an hour a day, but assuming the project lasts at least until the 20th of this month, I'll have an extra $230-$240 by the end of the month. Totally useful, since weight loss by then will necessitate new jeans, and I'll need new summer shoes too. Not to mention I'll need to buy some commercial yarn bases to start the next phase of my shop.
As far as weight loss has gone, I've only lost one more pound, so I'm down to 175, but my excuse is the funk I was in this past weekend. A big ol' cloud of depression settled on me, and I just wanted to fucking eat EVERYTHING. So many reasons why depression makes me want to gorge, and I need to work on eradicating them all. I'm really, really determined to beat this equation in my head, that food=love. IT DOES NOT. I need to seek comfort and solace mentally and spiritually, not with my goddamn taste buds.

What's been helping to curb my binge desires lately, is my nail polish obsession. I've overhauled as much of my stash as I could (I seem to be missing a few polishes, and I know they're around here somewhere, but fuck if I know where!) and I've determined which polishes need thinning, which ones need a little clear added, which ones need mixing balls, etc. I'll be placing a small order with tkb trading soon, to take care of these. I should mention that while my stash is well over 300 bottles, it's positively tiny compared to many stashes out there, which easily number in the thousands. My stash also boasts a number of gorgeous and unique franken polishes that I've mixed myself, and while I originally only started an Instagram for my photo documentation, I've decided to start a new blog to go with it. Yeah, I know I had one a few years ago, but my nails looked really stupid back then and I didn't really know what I was doing yet, just that I liked nail polish. Here's the new one, in case you're interested: Slacquerlacquer. My nail art, and polishing skills in general, have improved VASTLY over the years. And if I'm polishing my nails, perusing my stash, frankening polish, Instagramming it, photographing it, blogging about it... I'm not eating.

Today being Cinco de Mayo, it's also the 8th anniversary of my mother's death, and I feel I'd be remiss if I didn't mention it. I miss her every day, and wonder often how things might have been different in so many ways. There are so many questions I have, that only she could ever answer. So many things I wish I could tell her, and wonder if she knew, like how fucking rotten her sister, the aunt who raised me, was. C'est la vie. C'est la mort, or however you say it in French. Maybe some day I'll get to see her again.

That's all for now, I suppose. I'm getting sleepy before midnight these days, like a normal person. I like it. It's nice to get more daylight in my system.

Spring Has Really Sprung!

I'm feeling much, much better today- with the added bonus of not being all foggy headed and tired from a NyQuil hangover. Managed to maintain at 176 (despite having a baked potato after dinner last night in a fit of hanger, and SMOTHERING it in butter like always), and even got about 60% of a workout done yesterday, despite hocking up about 3 pounds of lung buttah, so I'm slowly getting back on track.

Started some gardening today too, which also required hauling the vacuum to the back. There was quite a bit of spilled dirt to clean up, thanks to Groucho "helping" :-P I learned a sweet gardening tip- all the wool I've got sitting in bags that didn't make the cut for spinning because it was waste from combing has now found a place at the bottom of my pots. Stretches my potting soil further, and as the wool breaks down and rots, it releases nitrogen and all sorts of stuff plants need. What an awesome way to combine two things I love!

I finally fixed my hair yesterday too. Bit the bullet and applied Color Oops! to get as much of the previous dye jobs out as I could. It mostly worked, there's still some really dark color around the bottom part of my face, but with the red application after, it still looks pretty cool. The entire underside of my hair is glorious, glowing red, so if I wear it half up, it looks downright stunning. I was briefly half blonde again though, after the Color Oops!, and it made me really miss being blonde. Gotta earn the blonde back, though. When I get down to 125 pounds, at least- if not 120. But I think at 150 I'll spring for new glasses, and get back to contacts as well.

I'm still astonished at how relatively easy losing the weight has been. Literally, just working out every other day, and having a bit more control with food, and I've already lost 12 pounds. The key is staying motivated and having discipline. That's really it. Also, being honest with yourself as to how much you're eating. But with so many free apps out there to track food intake and calories these days, there's really no excuse as to why you shouldn't know how many calories you're consuming on a daily basis, and how many you actually need to maintain/gain/lose weight. I aim for 1200 or under a day, and though under 1200 isn't ideal, it happens.

Ok, gotta get back to gardening. It's lovely and gray and rainy out right now, and there's a delicious breeze coming in through the windows. Perfect day to start some green happening <3

The plague...

... It's here, ugh. My fella brought it home, and when it hit me, it came in the form of brutal fevers. And now I've got the whole stuffy nose, brutal cough thing. Double dosing on dayquil isn't even fixing my nose. Did I mention it's brutal?

On the bright side, I'm down to 176 now. Not being able to work out is making me really frustrated though. Fuck this noise. Guess I'll try to sleep a little more. I'm really brain dead lately, thanks to the plague. Bahhhhh.

Dietary Discipline

...is something I've never really had. Since I've literally known starvation, my attitude towards food most of my adult life has been  EAT IT QUICK! When you've got it, stock up! Eat until you're full to bursting! Ridiculous, I know.

So today, my fella was home sick, and when I announced I was going out to stock up on green tea, he asked if I could bring home ice cream for him. I don't remember how cheese puffs entered the conversation, but at first I was like UH UH. Not bringing that into the house- I'll fucking eat them! But then, I thought to myself sternly, it's time you learned to fucking control yourself around food instead of acting like a rabid fucking animal.

I went to the store, and I got him a big ol' bag of cheese puffs and mango ice cream. Knowing that I would be sorely tempted, and that I had only consumed black coffee, two carrots, and a dill pickle spear up until that point, I thought to get myself a healthy, small snack. HAHAHA SURPRISE, THERE WERE NONE. Forsooth, 'twas a veritable wasteland of fat and calories everywhere, and knowing that we were having steak for dinner tonight, I sullenly and miserably decided on NOTHING, knowing that carrots and pickles awaited me at home.

The hanger that I experienced threatened to spiral out of control, but I breathed in and out, and locked myself in the back room with some iced black coffee and water, and dove head first back into the skirt I've been knitting. I was extremely successful- not a morsel of either cheese puffs nor ice cream passed my lips! Of course, I did have to run out and get chewing gum- but discovered that Rite Aid was having a sale, so I got 6 packs for $5.

HOLY SHIT I INTERRUPT THIS BLOG TO TELL YOU THAT AS OF RIGHT NOW, I AM OFFICIALLY 179.6 POUNDS :-D

FIRST GOAL WEIGHT ACHIEVED!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow, did not expect that to happen tonight. Damn. Daaaammmmn. YEAH GIRL.

Also, I would like to mention that yesterday was quite the ego day for me. I went out to busk (played violin in the subway for a few hours) and three guys took my picture, one of whom blew me a kiss. One woman (absolutely gorgeous, I might add) asked if I frequented the station often, and told me I was beautiful. And then, when out grocery shopping, our cashier told me I looked "AMAZING!" (Her emphasis, not mine.)

Thanks for the encouragement, world! <3

Cardio is SABOTAGE?!

That's what I learned yesterday. Apparently it's no coincidence that I started walking excessively and suddenly, my progress halted. Excessive, slower cardio, such as long, brisk walks, will cause your body to up its cortisol levels, which in turn causes you to store more fat around your belly.

THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

So, I'm keeping my walks between 1-3 a week. A shame, because I was really enjoying a new game I invented, called Get Fucking Lost, where I'd wander out in a direction, miles past anywhere I'd been before. I've discovered some gorgeous places. If I had a bike- but no, because riding a bike in this city terrifies me. Uh uh. Oh well, at least I'll save money on walking shoes. And my weight is now hovering at 181, a pound above my lowest, so hopefully tomorrow I will start showing progress again. At LEAST down to 180, please body? Thank you <3

NOOOOOOO! IT'S A PLATEAAUUUUU!!!!!!!!!

Ugggghhhh. I am a land whale. A hamplanet. A blubbery mass of sadness and despair :-(

Actually, it seems like I'm not getting enough calories or something. I ate 957 yesterday, and burned most of them off. I might try not working out for a few days. The key to breaking through a plateau is to trick the body, and I am well versed in the art of trickery. 

Yesterday was a rough day. The girls caught their first, real live mouse, and didn't kill it. Just stunned it, a state in which it remained while I wailed hysterically about the poor suffering creature in my living room. I managed to get it into a paper bag, and brought it outside with some minced up carrot bits, and it seemed quite lively by the time I got it into one of the flower boxes outside. This after I discover that a friend of mine was in the hospital after a giant anxiety attack. Then my fella gets home, apparently having a rough day of his own, and decided to take it out on me. He apologized, but fuuuuuuck that shit. Then I went for a long walk after dinner, proudly showing him the 4.6 mile route I had carved out. His response? "That's gay." 

And that's okay. I don't need his approval or validation. I'm losing this weight for me, not him. I know he prefers heavier chicks. My sister is supporting my efforts, thankfully. I'd like to think I don't need a cheerleader, but it's so much easier to stay motivated when you know someone is rooting for you. I was hoping to have more support from him, because he's so knowledgeable about weight loss and body building, but whatever. I've got the internet, and I've got time. 

I AM NOT GIVING UP. 

A Body In Motion, Blah Blah

So my sister decided to send me an early birthday present of a fitness tracker- a Jawbone UP3. I. FUCKING. LOVE. THIS. THING. We compete daily to see who walks more. On days I don't lift weights, I'm doing 6 mile walks. On days I do, three miles. The goal is to go over 10k steps a day. I've been really good about logging all my food, drinking enough water, and changing my sleep habits. It tracks sleep habits too, and heart rate- I was pleased to discover I have an average resting BPM of 56! Average is between 60 and 90, and the lower the number, the better.
I'm a little less thrilled about my weight loss trajectory though. I guess I understand that it's not a continuous downward line but ffs I was literally a pound away from my first goal weight! Now heaven knows when I'll see it. Hopefully by the end of the week? I jumped up three pounds and have been crawling back down since. I've been stricter about food intake also, so that ought to show results soon too.
I wish I could fast forward the process, but Rome wasn't built in a day and all that. Just have to keep moving and not get discouraged. 

WHEW!

Reorganized the order of the exercises in my routine, added two, upped the reps, and changed weights on some of them. HUGE DIFFERENCE. I feel satisfied now. That was a damn good workout. 

New and Improved!

...er, sort of. I know it's been a while, but what happened to my background?! Bah humbug.

Anyhow, here I am. Major changes have been set into motion in my life, and though the origins were painful, I'm grateful to them. I've finally, truly been forced to confront things clearly in my life, and to admit consciously that I'm just not happy with my life at the moment. I'm going in a new direction in regards to my business too, and I'm recommitting to losing weight again. Only this time it's different- I've put more of a mental emphasis on it. I've had to practically lobotomize myself to get myself in the right frame of mind, but it's really clicking now. I'm finally drinking enough water, I'm attacking my relationship with food (tonight was really fucking hard, and I didn't do so well, but I'm still just starting out, here) and I'm back to lifting weights again. Except OH SURPRISE SURPRISE, third time I've started a weight routine, and third time I've immediately come down with a cold. The first two times, this knocked me off course. This time, I'm staying put. Apparently, the changes in your body reach as far as the immune system once you start working out- something about antibodies, blah blah I don't really remember what my fella said. But, I've lost two pounds, an inch off my waist, a half inch off my arms, a half inch off my hips, and a half inch off my calves after just three workouts, and getting stricter about what I eat. I'm not giving up this time. I've got a weekly progress tracker I drew up, and I've got a sweet little rewards can I painted in hot pink and black- it says FUCK FAT on one side and DON'T QUIT on the other. Every pound lost gets a penny, and every workout gets a nickel, though I should probably up it to ten cents a workout and a quarter a pound. I was just really short on change when I came up with those numbers, haha. I've got a secret Pinterest board up too, that only I can see, since it has nothing to do with yarn or knitting or my business, and it too is called FUCK FAT. I've also got a linen bracelet made of my own recycled yarn on my wrist, with five beads on it, each bead representing two inches I want to take off my waist. I'm going to get back into cardio too- I'll be going on long walks again, and I'm gonna add jumping rope this time. Just have to get a new mp3 player- going out is no fun without music on! All that aside, I'm still 14 pounds down from my highest weight.

My relationship with food is a passionate one, but it needs to change. I fucking love fruits and veggies, and I don't crave sweets or fried foods for the most part. I don't keep crappy food around, period, so I can't eat it. But... every Saturday, is Chinese food, and every Sunday is some local place or other now, and every Friday is Chipotle burritos... I've finally found a non guilt inducing Chinese dish (not on the diet menu- their diet options are revolllttinnnggggguhhhh) but my problem now is how to stop eating BEFORE I'm painfully full. I yell at my older cat when she eats too much, too fast, and winds up puking it up everywhere, but I do the same thing- minus the puking. What a hypocrite I am, eh? It's harder for me though, because the food keeps getting pushed in front of me, and if the food is there, I'M GONNA WANT TO FUCKING EAT IT. I wish my fella didn't love shitty food so much.

I've been knitting up a storm lately, on SKIRTS. I'm really excited to be able to wear them when I get thinner. Once my gut shrinks, they are gonna look F I N E fiiiiiiine. They're done in linen stitch, in all different yarns- recycled, novelty, etc. One is neon and a pencil skirt with a slit in the back, and one is mostly soft greens and pinks, fitted, until a ruffle at the bottom. And the third, which I'm still working on, is fiery and sparkly and all the colors of autumn, and it's going to be a short a-line. All three are drawstring tops, to allow for the shrinkage of my body. I need to get better about putting projects up on Ravelry. I'm calling them the War and Peace skirts, because I've been mostly listening to the audio book on YouTube as I work on them (all 60 fucking hours of it!). I'm really not sure how I got so sucked into it, because that Tolstoy was a verbose motherfucker, but I'm really into it now, much to my own surprise

In other news, I've decided to learn Russian, just for fun... I've dyed my hair red again, and I've been REALLY into a genre of music lately called Retrowave. It's like 80's action movie music, and I don't know why I'm so fucking into it. Much of it sounds the same. Synthesizers, driving beats, chilly ambiance, not many (if any) lyrics... but it just feels so righteous, and ...sexy? I dunno. It resonates with me for whatever reason.

Ehhhhh, I think that's about it for now, I suppose. Drinking all this water and tea (which I no longer put any sugar in- I cut out all sugar from my tea cold turkey!) is making me pee like I've never fucking peed before. It's especially irritating when I'm trying to fall asleep.

I guess I'll probably update in another few weeks or so, I dunno. I'd like to update more than that, to record progress that the numbers don't show, but we'll see. Peace out!