So almost everything I planted has sprouted- except the cucumbers and scallions, but that's alright because I planted WAY too many tomatoes, and need the extra pots. Even after thinning the herd and culling some... gahhhhh, I feel more than a little guilty for having to cull some. It's like, "You tried little honey, and I'm sorry you're the weakest of the herd, and it's not your fault I planted too many of you, and you really tried your best but INTO THE TRASH WITH YOU!" I'm pretty sure I apologized to at least some of them as I tossed them, but still. SO GUILTY.
I successfully controlled my appetite and chose to fast until dinner last night, and I was really proud of myself for that. It's essential to get my weight loss back on track sometimes, I just need to really rein myself in on weekends now so I don't need to fast during the week. I'm actually thinking of fasting until dinner every day that I don't work out, unless I have errands and walking around to do, if I can't seem to get myself under control on the weekends. I'm being understanding towards myself in regards to my depression- because when that fog settles on me, I literally just don't fucking care about being good, or motivated, or making positive changes, but I need to make willpower & sensible eating habits that are ingrained in me. That way, regardless of my apathy, it'll be second nature not to want to eat my lack of feelings. I've been struggling to make myself work out lately too, but since I've made that a habit, there's no question that I'm just going to fucking do it, regardless of how little I want to. And... I have to say, I picked up some exterior motivation lately. Serious motivation, although it still hasn't been firing me up as much as I'd like. There's this site I've been hanging out on called Fat People Hate, and I was actually turned on to it by a friend who is literally twice my size, but she said it motivates her so I took a look. It's basically equal parts mocking fat people (even those who are just overweight, known as "smallfats", which I myself am one at the moment!) and a strong backlash against the HAES (Health At Every Size- which is fucking retarded to anyone with a basic knowledge of how human bodies work) and FA (Fat Acceptance) movements. Why, you might ask, are you enjoying a site that mocks people with YOUR VERY OWN body type? Well, for starters, I completely agree that HAES and FA are bullshit, and cop outs for people that don't want to exercise or change their diets- they want science and medicine to change their definitions of healthy, and society to change their standards of beauty, to fit THEM. Fat chance! (pun intended.) For another thing, it reminds me how much I hate my own body, how wrong I know all this excess fat is, and how much work I still need to do to achieve my goals. (But let me just break in here to say that two weeks of doing lunges w/ weights held over my shoulders- think of my arms in a goal post shape- has made a ridiculous difference in my thighs already. They are the devil, and the devil is good. So at least there's that. And also, my stomach is noticeably flatter now, so I have a much nicer bust to waist to hip ratio, and I'm definitely getting more attention for it!) The main motivator though- okay, so one of the mods posts an album of the cream of the crop from the whole FA movement (usually mostly found on tumblr) just about every day, and more often than not, this chick is featured, something about spookyfatbabe or something, and MY GOD I DESPISE HER. Her face is just so fucking punchable, and she's so fucking delusional. She tries WAY too hard to be attractive, probably because she's SO FUCKING FAT. So now every time I pick up the weights, I remind myself that I'm doing it so that I don't ever look like her. I remind myself that people in the FA movement would tell me I don't need to work out, that I should just love my body and be a lazy, fat fuck- and I don't want to be like them, so I need to get my ass in gear. I do have far more discipline than I did even just a few months ago, so I'm making mental progress on all this. I'm seeing the light, yo.
Annnnd that had nothing to do with the nails mentioned in my title, ahem. Nails: I joined a site called Nailpolis (which bugs the fuck out of me, I think it should be Nailopolis, but whatevs) and even though it's not exactly buzzing with activity, it's useful. I've picked up a bunch more Instagram followers, so I'm hoping the more swatches and art I can get out there, the more I can get the ball rolling towards the ULTIMATE GOAL: getting sent nail polish to swatch! I've been practicing with striping tape lately, and I'm getting a lot better. I really am dying for my nails to grow out a little more, into a better shape. I cut my corners a few weeks ago, in a vain attempt for a coffin shape, but alas, for they were not long enough and it looked really dumb. Now they just look mildly dumb, but hurry up and fucking grow already, shitlords!
My fella finally put his fucking guitar away, so I'm heading to bed now. I did an exceptionally drainful workout today, and I can't wait to hit the pillow and snooze. Woo, SLEEP!
I successfully controlled my appetite and chose to fast until dinner last night, and I was really proud of myself for that. It's essential to get my weight loss back on track sometimes, I just need to really rein myself in on weekends now so I don't need to fast during the week. I'm actually thinking of fasting until dinner every day that I don't work out, unless I have errands and walking around to do, if I can't seem to get myself under control on the weekends. I'm being understanding towards myself in regards to my depression- because when that fog settles on me, I literally just don't fucking care about being good, or motivated, or making positive changes, but I need to make willpower & sensible eating habits that are ingrained in me. That way, regardless of my apathy, it'll be second nature not to want to eat my lack of feelings. I've been struggling to make myself work out lately too, but since I've made that a habit, there's no question that I'm just going to fucking do it, regardless of how little I want to. And... I have to say, I picked up some exterior motivation lately. Serious motivation, although it still hasn't been firing me up as much as I'd like. There's this site I've been hanging out on called Fat People Hate, and I was actually turned on to it by a friend who is literally twice my size, but she said it motivates her so I took a look. It's basically equal parts mocking fat people (even those who are just overweight, known as "smallfats", which I myself am one at the moment!) and a strong backlash against the HAES (Health At Every Size- which is fucking retarded to anyone with a basic knowledge of how human bodies work) and FA (Fat Acceptance) movements. Why, you might ask, are you enjoying a site that mocks people with YOUR VERY OWN body type? Well, for starters, I completely agree that HAES and FA are bullshit, and cop outs for people that don't want to exercise or change their diets- they want science and medicine to change their definitions of healthy, and society to change their standards of beauty, to fit THEM. Fat chance! (pun intended.) For another thing, it reminds me how much I hate my own body, how wrong I know all this excess fat is, and how much work I still need to do to achieve my goals. (But let me just break in here to say that two weeks of doing lunges w/ weights held over my shoulders- think of my arms in a goal post shape- has made a ridiculous difference in my thighs already. They are the devil, and the devil is good. So at least there's that. And also, my stomach is noticeably flatter now, so I have a much nicer bust to waist to hip ratio, and I'm definitely getting more attention for it!) The main motivator though- okay, so one of the mods posts an album of the cream of the crop from the whole FA movement (usually mostly found on tumblr) just about every day, and more often than not, this chick is featured, something about spookyfatbabe or something, and MY GOD I DESPISE HER. Her face is just so fucking punchable, and she's so fucking delusional. She tries WAY too hard to be attractive, probably because she's SO FUCKING FAT. So now every time I pick up the weights, I remind myself that I'm doing it so that I don't ever look like her. I remind myself that people in the FA movement would tell me I don't need to work out, that I should just love my body and be a lazy, fat fuck- and I don't want to be like them, so I need to get my ass in gear. I do have far more discipline than I did even just a few months ago, so I'm making mental progress on all this. I'm seeing the light, yo.
Annnnd that had nothing to do with the nails mentioned in my title, ahem. Nails: I joined a site called Nailpolis (which bugs the fuck out of me, I think it should be Nailopolis, but whatevs) and even though it's not exactly buzzing with activity, it's useful. I've picked up a bunch more Instagram followers, so I'm hoping the more swatches and art I can get out there, the more I can get the ball rolling towards the ULTIMATE GOAL: getting sent nail polish to swatch! I've been practicing with striping tape lately, and I'm getting a lot better. I really am dying for my nails to grow out a little more, into a better shape. I cut my corners a few weeks ago, in a vain attempt for a coffin shape, but alas, for they were not long enough and it looked really dumb. Now they just look mildly dumb, but hurry up and fucking grow already, shitlords!
My fella finally put his fucking guitar away, so I'm heading to bed now. I did an exceptionally drainful workout today, and I can't wait to hit the pillow and snooze. Woo, SLEEP!
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