*dances around* HELLO AUTUMN!!!!!!!!
I cannot express how glad I am for cooler weather, and especially these gloriously gloomy gray days. Nothing beats the pleasure of hot tea in the mornings, after waking up in a cool bed. I'm also more inclined to knit and get work done on my yarns, and I've started lifting weights again. Doing anything is much more pleasant when it's not stifling hot in the apartment.
That being said, I still am struggling with a lack of motivation for most things, most days. I've come to realize that the depression I've been experiencing since I was ten years old is becoming more of a problem than I can deal with on my own. I don't want to go the pharmaceutical route, but if it eventually comes to that, so be it. I'm so tired of being trapped in my own head, unable to focus, unable to think clearly, unable to gain momentum in any direction. I feel like I could have accomplished so much over the past year, if I weren't being held hostage by a gray fog that hovers inside and around me. The feeling is akin to walking across a field on a foggy, cloudy night under a new moon- you can force yourself to walk, but you have no clue where you're going, each step is a potential stumble because you can't even see the ground, and it doesn't matter how determined you are to reach the edge of the field, you're going to wind up lost somehow.
But, in happy news, I was chosen to review nail art products for a company called Born Pretty, and I've had a lot of fun with them so far. The manicures are on my instagram (@slacquerlacquer). And, I'm going to visit my sister this week. I'm going up on Thursday night, Friday we're going up to our stepdad's place to put flowers in Mom's garden, where her ashes were scattered, Saturday we're going to see a show in PA (Dope w/ Motorgrind) and then Sunday I'll be heading back. I'm also due for a phone upgrade- hopefully I'll get my new debit card Tuesday and I'll be able to get it taken care of before I go to my sister's place.
My brain is fuzzing out again, sorry. Totally losing focus. At least I can keep working on getting fit, so at least my body won't be a wreck anymore. And although I often don't want to work out, I always feel much better after I do. I remind myself that my goal is to be strong and capable of defending myself in case I need to- I am not going to be a victim ever again. I'm making myself strong for that scared little girl who still lives inside me.
okay, off to bed for me. I've been plagued for a long time now with this recurring dream- the scenery varies, but the premise is the same, where I'm at school, and I can't remember my locker combination, and it's the last day of school, and they're going to throw out everything in my locker if I can't get it open. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with my dropping out of college, but whatever it is, it's getting really old, really fast. I'm gonna look it up and psychoanalyze it as I fall asleep, maybe I'll snap out of it. Fingers crossed for sweet dreams!
I cannot express how glad I am for cooler weather, and especially these gloriously gloomy gray days. Nothing beats the pleasure of hot tea in the mornings, after waking up in a cool bed. I'm also more inclined to knit and get work done on my yarns, and I've started lifting weights again. Doing anything is much more pleasant when it's not stifling hot in the apartment.
That being said, I still am struggling with a lack of motivation for most things, most days. I've come to realize that the depression I've been experiencing since I was ten years old is becoming more of a problem than I can deal with on my own. I don't want to go the pharmaceutical route, but if it eventually comes to that, so be it. I'm so tired of being trapped in my own head, unable to focus, unable to think clearly, unable to gain momentum in any direction. I feel like I could have accomplished so much over the past year, if I weren't being held hostage by a gray fog that hovers inside and around me. The feeling is akin to walking across a field on a foggy, cloudy night under a new moon- you can force yourself to walk, but you have no clue where you're going, each step is a potential stumble because you can't even see the ground, and it doesn't matter how determined you are to reach the edge of the field, you're going to wind up lost somehow.
But, in happy news, I was chosen to review nail art products for a company called Born Pretty, and I've had a lot of fun with them so far. The manicures are on my instagram (@slacquerlacquer). And, I'm going to visit my sister this week. I'm going up on Thursday night, Friday we're going up to our stepdad's place to put flowers in Mom's garden, where her ashes were scattered, Saturday we're going to see a show in PA (Dope w/ Motorgrind) and then Sunday I'll be heading back. I'm also due for a phone upgrade- hopefully I'll get my new debit card Tuesday and I'll be able to get it taken care of before I go to my sister's place.
My brain is fuzzing out again, sorry. Totally losing focus. At least I can keep working on getting fit, so at least my body won't be a wreck anymore. And although I often don't want to work out, I always feel much better after I do. I remind myself that my goal is to be strong and capable of defending myself in case I need to- I am not going to be a victim ever again. I'm making myself strong for that scared little girl who still lives inside me.
okay, off to bed for me. I've been plagued for a long time now with this recurring dream- the scenery varies, but the premise is the same, where I'm at school, and I can't remember my locker combination, and it's the last day of school, and they're going to throw out everything in my locker if I can't get it open. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with my dropping out of college, but whatever it is, it's getting really old, really fast. I'm gonna look it up and psychoanalyze it as I fall asleep, maybe I'll snap out of it. Fingers crossed for sweet dreams!
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