Awen.

There's no other word for it. Creativity is flowing through me, around me, and it's nothing short of divine. I've come up with so many excellent ideas lately for my shop, it's now just a matter of creating the items and listing them. I've learned more about SEO, so I can more effectively reach people, and I'm bursting at the seams with impatience to just get everything DONE!

...Just got another excellent idea. Gonna go make note of it.

I am eternally grateful to the Universe for this imagination of mine!

YARNOREXIA

I am currently knitting a scarf with yarn thinner than the creases in my thumbs. Just finished a cobweb weight Echo Flowers, and decided I was too comfortable with the yarn. So...pictures!

First, yarnorexia scarf:

Now, the Echo Flowers shawl. It's fine enough that it passes through a ring.

And finally, some tea eggs I made yesterday. They're delicious AND pretty!

I am totally enjoying this beautiful weather. I am delighted by the colors of the fallen leaves, the gusts of crisp wind, and the excuse to wear gorgeous things I've knit. I'm also thrilled that we've had a lot more gray days lately- we didn't have enough of them this summer, and there are few things I love more than a gray autumn day.

I've changed the name of my Etsy shop to Magick Cat Knits, since I couldn't use Mad Cat for whatever reason. This is something that works out well for me, actually, as it'll be harder for people I'd like to not hear from to find me. And by people I'd like to not hear from, I mean certain family members :-X

Ok, back to knitting! I've got to finish a few things before Monday so I can have them ready for a photoshoot. My friend is modeling and ...? is shooting. Might be me ;-) I want to redo my product photos before I get into the intricacies of SEO and all that crap. And tea, my garlic breath is kicking right now. I could totally use a cup of sweet tea to fight it. Sayonara!

Totally Mundane Self Congratulatory Shit

I was productive today, so here I am congratulating myself, wheee!

Well, I launched Kickstarter attempt 3.0- https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/819514122/polished-yarns-version-30

I moved all my Storenvy merch over to Etsy, which involved setting up a new Etsy shop. Tedious, but I got it done. https://www.etsy.com/shop/MadOCatOKnits

I'll probably want to re-photo a bunch of those items, but for now, those photos will do. I also re-did the graphics for the header.

I completely butchered a sweater and got 1650 yds of lace weight out of it. For $8.50, that's not a bad deal, considering I didn't even get as much yarn out as I could have, and I'll probably make about... *does math*

$100. That's between the yarn salvaged that I can dye and sell as yarn, and the yarn that isn't in long enough quantities to sell, so I'll be keeping it for myself to dye and knit into something to sell.

(ha, got distracted there, just got my first Kickstarter backer!)

So... before shipping expenses, that's a pretty fucking sweet profit margin. And shipping yarn and knit goods is pretty cheap. (I was gonna put the math here, but I can't brain right now, I'm on a caffeine high and Billy Idol is singing about being a lover, HAVE MERCY BABEH!)

I think it's a viable business to get serious about, and it's confirmed now that I sort of mathed it.

Enough about today though, I almost forgot how awesome yesterday was. First good day I've had in so long- I wasn't struggling, I wasn't fighting to survive, I wasn't sitting around being miserable and cranky. I went to the medieval fair in Fort Tryon with a friend (coincidentally, my first KS backer) and her boyfriend, and we had a riotously good time. I ate a gigantic turkey leg, had mead and beer, and laughed my ass off. There were some really great vendors there too. Afterwards, I went down to 14th st, and had dinner and wine with a friend (and her sweet feral rescue cats!) before giving her a knitting lesson. We ate New Zealand lamb, Persian Silk carrots (whatever those are, they're fucking tasty!) and some kind of cheesy shredded potato thing. She's a chef/ pastry chef, so this woman can cook. On top of it all, I got to see Thumbs, the stray cat I feed from time to time, on my way home. I want to find a rescue to take him in, but sometimes he's not there, and I don't know where he goes.

Knitting time now, I've got a hat to finish so I can put it in the shop. WOO!

Belly Up.

I had a spiritual experience a few days ago. I submitted completely to the Universe, to the namesake of this blog (my patron goddess) and I decided to stop struggling and start listening.

She spoke to me.

However rapturous the experience was though, it's not paying my bills. I'm still stressed, still panicky, still feeling bogged down one minute and horribly optimistic the next. I have been told repeatedly now to study the ancient knowledge, to learn... I don't even know what exactly I'm supposed to learn about. Or what texts I should be studying. What subjects I should be concerning myself with. Regardless, it's not going to help me make money TODAY. And I cannot concentrate on anything other than my financial situation when my financial situation is in dire straits.

In other news, my sister is getting married today, and obviously, I'm not there... I don't make it a habit to hang out with my abuser (the aunt I grew up with). My sister knew I wasn't going, months ago. She hasn't talked to me in months, hasn't bothered to pick up the phone to see how I am, didn't bother to invite me to her bachelorette party which was RIGHT HERE IN THE CITY... and yet, she cried when I reminded her on the phone that I wasn't coming, denying that she remembered the two conversations we had about it. WHAT THE FUCK, WOMAN. So I felt like rancid, rotten shit. I never, ever would want to make my sister cry. But seriously, what the fuck.

So, rotten fuckery all around here. Regardless, I'm plodding on. It's all just a slow march to death anyway. 

Fun While It Lasted...

Eeyore made it personal, her dislike of me. And apparently I'm just the latest in a long line of people who got fired because of it. It's ok- I can now add knowledge of Quickbooks to my resume, and the biggest perk is that I don't have to see her anymore.

My fella got kicked to the curb too, because of the merger at his company. They said no new hires, and since he was still temping, out he went. In the meantime, I'm enjoying being able to lounge around with him. We are making it fun to explore ramen and cheap meals, of which I am gleefully gathering all my old ramen tricks and ideas. I've also got time now to properly take inventory and weigh and wind and measure my coned yarn stash, precious time that I no longer take for granted. So... thanks, Eeyore! *thumbs up*

So, the job search begins again. And I've got a few projects on the needles to finish, which I'm a little grumpy about because they've been on so long I wish they would just finish themselves. One is a very, very delicate Echo Flowers, knitting up in turquoise cobweb weight merino I dyed myself. That's for my best friend's mom. One is the Dragon's Hope Shawl, which I have become a little superstitious over... I feel like the more I knit, the more my good luck increases. And then there's a pair of fingerless gloves I'm whipping up for a friend, who held on to yarn she found in a bar we used to go to (RIP, Bar 82!) for THREE YEARS, thinking it had to be mine, because who else brings yarn to a bar? Well, it wasn't mine, but it is now, and she's getting gloves out of it. (Just did a quick search on Rav to confirm it's Paton's Classic Wool, colorway Rosewood.)

I also went to my new thing as a painter's assistant, not sure if I mentioned it here. It's unpaid, but the guy lives within walking distance of me, and I'll be helping him stretch canvases and prime them and I'll be learning more technique and getting feedback on my own work as well. He's really, really good and fun to hang out with, so I think this will work out well. His roommate is really cool and a talented painter also. I'm slowly beginning to accept the fact that painting is what I was born to do, so I might as well fucking do it and make money at it, eh?

OK, I should probably go do some work on my room here. Still not fully packed, still haven't gotten rid of everything I need to get rid of, but I just installed Spotify on my shiny new phone, so I've got some company while I do crap I don't want to. Argh. 

Just One Of Those Days...

...where at some point, I wind up literally HOWLING in rage/anguish/consternation/frustration/all of the above. But then I got over it, and that was that :-P

For starters, Metro Piece of Shit, my beloooovvvveedd phone service provider, decided not to tell customers explicitly about the network changes happening since the merger with T-Mobile. As a result, I was utterly clueless as to why my phone was having issues connecting to the network. On my way to find out, the strap on my brand new purse decided to completely rip off. Grumble grumble... and then I discover the only way around the phone problem is to BUY A NEW FUCKING PHONE. You fucking assholes, I was totally prepared to come in in a few weeks after my first few paychecks and get a new phone- I needed one, badly. The guy tried to tell me that the cheapest option was $90 flat for some phone I've never seen before... HAHAHAHAHA I was born in the morning, but not THIS morning! This made me briefly consider dropping MPCS altogether and going somewhere else, but I knew it would be cheaper to stay, especially because I just paid my fucking bill. So I went home and did some research, with my fella's help. We decided on a phone that would have cost 29.99 after the instant rebate- and it's a sweet phone too, the Kyocera Hydro. After calling around, the 125th store said they had it. Ok, cool! I had to head back up to Harlem anyway.

Of course, I get out of the train, and it's POURING. My shoes instantly soak it all up, which made it all the more uncomfortable. I slog to the store, and I am then told, "Ohhhhh, we must be out of it still, from last week..." SUCK A BOX OF COCKS YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT SOMEONE SAID YOU HAD IT NOW WHERE THE FUCK IS IT?! Wound up going for choice number two, which was considerably more expensive, but also a good phone. Get on the bus, head to my place in Harlem... and cannot find my fucking keys. Upon inquiry, my fella informs me they're with him. Well, at least I didn't lose them somewhere, but FUCKING HELL. On top of all this, it's the first day of my period and I felt like DEATH. So I said fuck this shit... and came back to the 'wood. Had some Thai for dinner, some ale, and I figure I'll head back to Harlem tomorrow.

Days like this don't happen often, so I figure I'm safe for a while. Plus, I have a shiny new phone to play with, wheeee!

Did I Mention I'm Employed?

And my new job is awesome, because I get to pet dogs and puppies ALL DAY LONG?!

Well, I am and it is. I work at a super cool pet supply store in the financial district now, and I've only been working two days, but I've learned SO MUCH already. My boss is fun, though a little intense at times, and my co-workers (of which there are only 4) are mostly ok too. I met the last one today, who I'll be replacing sort of- she's moving to California and this bums me out because I really would love to keep working with her. The other chick that works the POS with me is a little hard to work with- she mumbles a lot, and goes halfway with something and gets distracted, and seems a little pissy. Actually, she reminds me a LOT of my first college roommate- they even look alike! Thankfully, she's not obnoxious like my cunty ex roommate was, and I'm getting used to working with her, even though it's a lot like I've got to tiptoe through broken glass sometimes. The other two co-workers are the delivery/stock/maintenance guys, and one is rarely there anymore, but the main one is really cool.

Of course, I'm not without complaints- the shifts are generally 9 hours long, and there aren't any structured breaks... so that HOUR break I'm legally entitled to? Yeah, I didn't get that today. There's a lot of standing, which I'm getting used to again, and sometimes the store gets really busy with phones ringing and customers needing to be rung up IMMEDIATELY HURRY UP MY CAR IS GOING TO GET TOWED HURRY GIVE IT TO ME NOW. But, I'll get used to it. I'm pretty comfortable with a large part of what's expected of me already, so I think I'll be ok.

Annnnd now I'm going to go eat Mexican, so... bye. 

BLAAARGHHHHHH

Ever since they fired *my* sandwich guy at the deli around the corner from me in Harlem, I've lost enthusiasm for their sandwiches... which I've been deeply loyal to for SIX YEARS NOW. Tonight? Whichever one of the new fuckheads up front (who were flirting with the cashier) was supposed to be making sandwiches, completely ignored me as I walked in and gazed deeply into the deli case, trying to ascertain whether they still had Boar's Head roast chicken. I was there for a good five minutes... the ONLY CUSTOMER. Until I thought, fuck it! and walked out. I'm not gonna tell you to do your job, or how to do your job, I'll just take my fucking money elsewhere. Sergio never made me wait, ever :-(  And he may not have been the friendliest, or best looking guy, but we understood each other and he was good at his job.

So I wandered out, completely lost, as I had set my heart on a fucking sandwich. Thought about fried chicken, pizza, Mc Donald's... nah. Wandered around, until I found myself walking down Broadway towards where a great halal truck is usually parked. EUREKA!

...except it was gone! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I wound up in a totally mediocre deli, the subject of some greasy looking fat guy's attempts at seduction. Totally meh sandwich. But, they have UTZ chips, which my place doesn't. Score one for them... as well as not having to be ignored.

Bah, the one thing I was going to miss around here will no longer be missed. Guess it's all for the best, then.

As far as the painting goes, I had so much rage and angst directed at it, I wound up tearing it to shreds. Oooops ;-) I plan on redoing it, and making it a female version. A self portrait. Atlassie... HAHAHAHA I crack myself up! 

Free at Last, Free at Last... Thank Thor Almighty... (you get the idea)

Fuckhead finally gave me the go ahead to "suspend" my "efforts" today. Sweet hallelujah, I was wondering how much longer he'd string me along for. Now, I can finish the painting the way I want to, without concerning myself with refined palettes and all that. As a result, what I've got so far is exuberantly bursting with color. I'll post a picture when it's done. Once that's done, I can begin working on my crow skull again, which has been lurking unfinished for months now.

I've got such a love/hate relationship with visual art lately, and I think part of it is because it feels like work, to get everything set up and cleaned up and what not... but when I'm actually painting, I'm in an entirely different dimension and nothing else matters. It's just that starting is a hurdle for me. I've also realized very, very recently that painting is what I've set out to do- I'm good at it, and people like my work, so I need to make more of an effort to make money off it.

...I was gonna write more, but my head is too foggy. Bah. 

Don't need 1,000 words or a picture...

...I'm pretty sure this page from my sketchbook sums up the phone conversation nicely.

What the man needs right now is not an artist- he needs a psychic medium and some serious drugs. Also, some therapy wouldn't hurt. He is currently "thinking about" some icon varieties I sent him- OH BY THE WAY, ICONS ARE FOR THE GRAPHIC DESIGNER TO CREATE, YOU NIT WIT. Not me. Icons are for repeated use, not to be included in the physical body of the art work. If he still insists on me creating them, I will create each one separately and photoshop them in later... so they can be sent to the graphic designer for future use. ARGH THE MAN IS A SHIT FOR BRAINS! Up until this point, I didn't really care what I was gonna get paid for all this. Now? I am fucking earning that pay. And that pay better be fucking good.  

Are you kidding me? You must be kidding me.

Unfortunately, he did, in fact, contact me. Well, maybe not unfortunately, there may be a pot of gold at the end of this skidmarked rainbow yet, but I'm not holding my breath. And let me tell you, the journey there stinks to high heaven. He told me to call him TOMORROW. AT 11AM. The man who bitched and whined that nothing was finished yet, for whatever reason could not just tell me what he wants to do via email TODAY. So while I COULD have a finished fucking painting for him right now, HE chose to delay it.

He must be fucking demented. There is no other way. At the very least, I get the impression he may be bipolar. He definitely seems to suffer from mood swings. So today I did jack all in the way of work for him, and did what I wanted to do instead. I began to finish a tank top present for someone, and I'm gonna start work on an Echo Flowers shawl for her mom soon. I made an incredible tortellini salad for dinner, and now I'm idly blogging, playing some silly farming game, and knitting. Totally not even gonna let this get under my skin anymore. I'm doing the best I can- his issues, attitude problems, mood swings, whatever- these are not my problems, I am not the cause of them, and they needn't concern me. His decision to cram everything in at the last minute is also not my fault. Speaking of which, I wonder if he's even got a web designer at this point. There's really no point in getting all het up about whether or not the art work is finished when there's no website and no one to even put it on the website, right? Forget having all his ducks in a row, I don't think the man even knows where half his goddamn ducks are.

I knew I was taking a risk when I responded to a CL ad... and I accept responsibility for that. But at this point, I'm just gonna watch it unfold with a kind of detached curiosity. I'm on the outskirts of whatever circus he's putting together anyway, though he claims the art is the most important thing. I'm interested in seeing what happens, but I'm not investing any more of myself in it. I'm sure I'll have a most exciting update tomorrow... *rolls eyes*

Take a fucking chill pill, you crack head!

Mr Founder got WAY too snippy for his own good today. Ok, so you waited until the LAST POSSIBLE fucking minute to find someone to create art for your company... because apparently, you think art just springs forth from an artist's head, much like Athena from Zeus... and now that we've been in touch for a little over a week, you think I should have magically created something that you're in love with already- with only your entirely schizophrenic pointers (OLD MASTERS! CHIAROSCURO! oh look at this cartoon, it's fucking magnificent! Look at this website, they use photography!) to guide me? Reality check, tardface: Art is work, just like everything else. It does not magically happen instantaneously. I have yet to meet an artist that makes that happen... you know why? BECAUSE IT DOESN'T. He did apologize, but although I have given him the benefit of the doubt, I am not convinced he was sincere.

Slightly Condensed Version of Email Exchange:

Me: I've been working on some logo ideas in addition to everything else, here they are!

Him: Too much like the old playboy bunny logo. (Author's note- that's a coincidence, I don't even know what the old logo looks like) If you're still interested in working on this, and I'm not seeing that, work on the homepage.

Me: OK, no worries. They were just ideas.

Me again, after some stewing: Also, rest assured, if you're implying I'm not still interested, you're dead wrong. I am doing all I can to tackle the challenge. If my style doesn't suit you, I'm sure you'll find someone else whose style does.

Him: It's been a week. If you're still interested, then how come... you finish the sentence.

Me, now FRIGHTFULLY enraged to the point my TOES were tingling. (Yes, my toes- I thought they were going burst into flames): It has been FIVE DAYS of me brainstorming, gathering references for the drawings, sketching ideas, discarding ideas, creating new ideas and finalizing ideas, all based on your schizophrenic ideas of what you want. Art does not magically happen, it is work like everything else and takes time. ( I did not point out the obvious, which is that OH BY THE WAY I ALSO HAVE THINGS TO DO LIKE WORK TO PAY MY FUCKING RENT YOU FUCKING ASS HAT)

So he apologized, and I told him where I was on the piece and that I'd send him a picture of the drawing when it was done, so I could edit things based on his opinion before I painted it. I did, and I have not heard back. I can only assume that he is either sulking, or has decided to try and find himself a magician and so I'll never hear from him again. Either way, my fella thinks he's probably delusional, and I am tending to agree here. My fella is actually skeptical as to whether or not the guy is actually going through with creating the company, despite the guy's connections and previous work history. I'm beginning to think he's just an old crackhead with money to burn. One thing is for goddamn sure though: I will not tolerate passive aggressive implications about my work ethic or my intentions- if I weren't fucking interested, I wouldn't be wasting my time or his! And I can certainly make myself not interested and unavailable, if he'd like to keep making insinuations about my work ethic or my intentions. Wouldn't be hard at all :-P

I will assume, upon waking tomorrow, that if I haven't heard from him, I won't hear from him again. And I will be ok with that. That beautiful pie in the sky dream where I was able to afford my own painting studio was really nice while it lasted. And it reaffirmed what I want in life, so at least I've gotten something out of this. The drawing I did will stand beautifully on it's own, once I erase the icons, and it'll be something nice to add to my portfolio. And Mr. Crackhead can go jerk himself off on a desert island, or do whatever it is he schemes up next, and I won't be bothered one bit <3<3<3

Ain't Nobody Got Time For That!

Pretty proud of myself right now. I went from being completely numb and paralyzed, mentally (NO, a good night's sleep did NOT help, and I woke up tired and completely unrefreshed) to unkinked and ready to move forward. Seriously, I felt fucking lobotomized. I figured out why, though: For the first time, my mind did preemptively what it usually does defensively in reaction to a traumatic experience. Because I saw only two outcomes, both resulting in pain, my mind immediately created a barrier to protect me. I could not access my previous feelings, thoughts, etc on the subject because my mind believed that going forward would only result in a negative outcome. (Jeez, the mind is a powerful thing, isn't it?)

The only thing I could do, then, was to allow myself to envision a third outcome- that of a happy, smiling, successful me, radiant and doing what I love to do best. In doing so, I was able to go right past that stupid wall and leave all previous thoughts and feelings behind- I am starting over with this mentally, with fresh eyes and a fresh mind, and focusing solely on the best possible outcome. I cannot even allow myself to think of what happens IF I am not successful- there is no if, only do. Do or do not, there is no try, and all that.

The rest of tonight will be spent re-assessing the categories themselves, and disregarding previous ideas completely. Tomorrow I will email Mr. Founder with all new ideas and my latest sketch.

Fuck's sake girl, have some confidence in yourself. You are capable of great things. You are MEANT for great things, and you will accomplish great things, whether willingly or kicking and screaming. Pick that chin up and enjoy the fucking ride already! 

Goo, Compressed

That's what I feel like right now... roughly like a dense, cube shaped, quivering booger. I expressed that I may not be able to WOW Mr. Founder of the Company today, to him via email. He had just seen the sketch I did yesterday, and assured me I most certainly could, I was on the right track, and he knows I can do this. Furthermore, if I'm successful, he's gonna tie me in as CREATIVE DIRECTOR.

Hold up, I'm not celebrating that! Here are the two possible outcomes: I don't get it, because someone swoops in at the last minute and outshines me like platinum to tin, and I suffer the mildly burning sting of rejection and the overwhelming feeling that I'll never be good enough, ever. (It's ok, wouldn't be the first time.) I would have more work to put up on my online portfolio though, so there's that. The second scenario: I succeed, and I get a job I am SO NOT QUALIFIED for.

Either way, I feel like I'm being tested. Very, very harshly. My dream of having a gig that paid well and only required me to create artwork for the site every two weeks has suddenly gone up in smoke. All day, my adrenal glands have been reminding me of their presence. Mentally, I've been completely paralyzed by the scenarios before me. I cannot afford, right now, not to try my best... but can I afford to accept a job that I am not sure I am capable of performing well?

Unless I can somehow break this mental paralysis, I'm not going to have ANY chance at succeeding. I barely managed to get out a rough sketch today- not of the bridge that I said I'd do yesterday, but of a spin on Atlas bearing the heavens. (Many thanks to Ah-nold for being so fabulously ripped in his youth, and serving as my reference.) Of course, it didn't help that my fella somehow managed to rip a contact lens while it was in his eye, and so I had to bring his glasses to him at work... which completely sucked two hours out of the middle of my day, and made it even harder to focus myself. Fuck's sake, I'm finding it hard to even put words together here. And I don't want to drink more caffeine, I'm jittery enough as it is.

I just need to push through this. I'm sure a good night's sleep will help. I need to ignore everything else and just get into a tunnel vision like state, focused solely on creating art. Everything else around it and after can suck a big ol' bull dick at the moment. (Bull dicks are stupidly placed on their bodies, if you ask me. But still, all these distractions can go suck merrily away.)

Breathing needs to happen too. Herbal tea... yes, some sugarless, herbal tea will make me feel better. Off to go root around in my tea cabinet, I'm sure I've got something. Aw fuck it, I might just take some Xanax later too. This is heavy duty stuff, man!

One done, two to go...

Well, I've got one drawing done. I chose a still life for this one, with an item representing each category. It took quite a while to get this situated- cutting out small sketches of each object yesterday and shifting them around on top of some blank paper until I was happy with the general arrangement, then there were proportion and scale issues, then there were things swapped out for other things, then I realized I'd have to get REALLY creative if I was going to fit everything in, so some things became two dimensional things in a two dimensional drawing of three dimensional things. I'll add the words in Photoshop once it's painted.

Tomorrow's drawing will be something my soul sister suggested, which was the classic macro shot of the Brooklyn Bridge. Well, she just suggested abstract architectural themes in general, but included a great photo. Although, come to think of it, maybe I don't want to be- wait, no, fuck it. It's a NYC based company, I'm NYC based, the bridge is an icon, and NYC fucking rules. Never mind, then. It's a go :-P The jury is still out on what the third image will be, but it's alright, I've got a little time. And inspiration strikes in the oddest places, as I discovered this morning...

So there I was, sitting on the loo this morning with the door open (one of the cats always opens it anyway, if I have the nerve to shut it!) and I'm sleepily staring at the kitchen counter whilst I do my business. As my eye drifts over the mug tree and the cutlery stand, KABLAMMO! I found the perfect inspiration for the company's logo. The mug tree's crossed metal branches made a neat W, and the arch and spine of the cutlery stand (with some artistic liberties taken) make a complimentary P to the aforementioned W.

I am still prepared for him to reject everything ever. But I don't imagine it'll hurt too much... I've got my fucking groove back, bitches!

Hope Springs Eternal...

So I met with the founder of this company the other day... and all my initial nervousness immediately vanished. I can think of a couple reasons why he might have sat there with the brim of his baseball hat pulled so low that I could barely see his face, let alone make eye contact while talking, but none of them seem valid enough. (Perhaps he's more high profile than I realize and doesn't want attention? Perhaps he was hiding from someone? Perhaps he's self conscious? Or maybe he just wanted to stare at my tits, but none of these reasons make sense to me. Well, I understand wanting to look at my tits, I have a very nice rack, but come on, my good man! Everything in moderation!) I don't know what his reason was, maybe he didn't realize how he appeared (I DOUBT IT) but no matter the reason, it came off as extremely fucking rude.

Anyhow, the door of this opportunity is WIIIIIDE open. He informed me that he's not talking to anyone about art, that all the work people have submitted has been "bullshit and crap", so it appears that since he's talking to me all I have to do is dazzle him a little and I'm in. I'm going to submit three finished pieces to him, and so far I've got one idea solidified and roughly sketched out. Haven't decided on the other two yet, but knowing that he wants the links to the various pages on the site integrated into the artwork has made things slightly more, um, interesting. There's also the logo to consider. He mentioned initials, so that makes it a little easier, but still, I'm not terribly oriented towards logo creation- I'm not a graphic designer! But, if there are any problems I know I'm good at solving, they are art problems, so I've just got to keep brainstorming and something will come out. I have faith.

I also have faith that one day I'll have a real job. I interviewed with two lovely ladies today about working for a hand painted greeting card company- the location is a magical penthouse location (Alice Cooper's old place, as a matter of fact!) and it's full of glass and sunlight and happiness- some guy sitting in an office gave me a big happy grin as I walked by. I would SO LOVE to work there... but I'm not getting my hopes up. Although it was my third interview, and third time's supposed to be a charm and all that... but still. *sigh* They even do some gardening out on the roof top, with cherry tomatoes! What's not to love?! If it's meant to be, it'll be, but if not, for whatever reason, I know it'll be because something else needed that space instead. I really did not expect it to be a sort of dream job for me though, goddamn.

I should probably get back to work. I don't have much time to get these sketches done, and I want to have all three done by Sunday. Next Sunday, they will all be finished pieces. Something tells me though, that I'm gonna be way ahead of this guy. He hasn't even decided on president/ vice president of the company, let alone a web designer. I see a lot of caffeine and grumbling in my future...

OH MY FEATHERS!!!!!!

They are ruffled, but in a REALLY REALLY REALLY GOOD WAY.

If this blindingly bright light is another train, it'll probably knock me out for good, but fuck it, I will go down in a pyrotechnic blaze of fucking glory!

Without trying very hard at all, I've somehow landed myself a killer awesome painting assistant position (unpaid- not something I'd usually go for, but for some reason this clicked with me and I responded to the ad. Mostly because he's within walking distance, so it's not like I have to spend money to get there.) Not only am I glad I did, but my horoscope, oddly enough, agreed. The guy is cool as fuck, talented as fuck, and will be a great mentor to me. Not to mention great for setting up connections and networking and blah blah blah. AND he mentioned paying me for modeling somewhere down the line. WIN.

That, as sweet as it is, is just the cherry on my cake of fluffy hopes and dreams. The cake itself? Well, WELL.

WELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I talked to the guy from the luxury internet start up thingy, yadda yadda... Seems out of 2000 applicants or so, I'm one of 5- yes, FIVE- artists they're interested in potentially working with. Out of that 2000, some were established artists working for big name brands. And yet, lil' ol' me, who famously said I'd never fucking paint again once I quit school, is one of five top contenders. Should I land the prize of being THE artist for the site, I am gonna be in the land of milk and honey. Even if I'm not THE artist? It's more than likely I'll get equity in the firm, which he said would be around .5%- once they sell the company in 2-3 years, that'll net about $500,000- conservatively. CONSERVATIVELY.

So off I go to brainstorm and sketch and sometime this week, I will set up an appointment to sit down for coffee with Mr BigWig (who happens to be quite established and important- I looked him up as per his suggestion on LinkedIn) and I will get a better sense of what I need to tailor my work to. Should I land it, the work on the website will be changed every two weeks or so, and I will be kept busy with that. THRILLINGLY BUSY.

I am going to work harder than I've ever worked in my life for this. I need this like I need to eat, sleep, and breathe. I don't know who or what I'm up against in the other artists, so I will need to make damn sure I am creating the most unbearably beautiful work of my entire life. It must be heart stoppingly good, and it has to be done fast- they want to launch in September. I know I am capable, but I know I have to be very, very disciplined about translating from my brain and eyes to my hands and heart. I have nothing to lose- absolutely nothing to lose, not even a sense of pride at this point- and absolutely everything to gain. Fingers crossed!

The light at the end of the tunnel...

...was a train. And it ran me over. But somehow, I survived, and here I am, still going through the tunnel.

Had an interview today, have another one tomorrow. I'd be happy with either job, to be honest, although the one I interviewed for today would pay significantly more. I've also got a phone interview with someone this week about possibly doing some art work (oil painting) for some luxury brand website whose clients are mostly really really rich men. I submitted a few samples of my work- they specified that they wanted someone who could paint in the style of the old masters, so I selected my best classical type pieces and crossed my fingers. Apparently, they think I'm good enough to consider, so there's at least that!

Somehow, without trying, I've managed to lose some weight recently too. About 4 pounds, but fuck it that's better than nothing. I suspect that once I have a job again and I'm doing more than sitting around being disgruntled all day, I'll lose even more.

After 7 fucking years of convincing myself that I couldn't work an on the books job because of my student loan debt, I'm finding it awfully hard to be patient now. The shady, potentially dangerous, and sometimes illegal shit I've had to do to get by is really wearing on me now. I just want to be somewhat normal again, is that too much to ask? 

Working it, ugh.

Ok, so far I really enjoy my job. I get to actually go out and make money tomorrow, which is nice, although I already won a cash prize for doing a sales pitch really well. Today I even got a fist bump from my boss, for thinking on my feet and being in control of the situation while role playing. Tomorrow, I get to go out and try it for real... while wearing the stuuuuuuuupid fucking shirt and even STUUUUUPIDER visor. A FUCKING VISOR, CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS INJUSTICE?! Fortunately, we do NOT have to wear khakis. I am the anti khaki. I REFUSE to wear khakis. Khakis are for people who don't have a choice, and bland people with no souls. And maybe 1% are affluent people who wear them because they are de rigeur and convey "professionalism." Oh, and maybe the other 1% are people on safari. Did I mention I hate khakis? :-P

The only issues I'm having so far are the hours- while they could be far, far worse, I am NOT a morning person. I usually feel unwell in the morning as a result of lack of sleep and dehydration from way more activity and sun exposure than I'm used to from the day before, but I've found that when I get myself a big ass gatorade to take with me in the morning, I feel ok. I usually develop a headache at some point, which is why I take my pills with me every day now, and I try to get some caffeine in me at some point. Another issue is the commute- I've tried a few different routes now, but I've discovered the best ones are the ones with the least amount of bus travel. Less invitation for nausea that way.

The third, and final issue? One of the people who was hired with me. This woman Cheryl. I'm pretty fucking sure now, that she's on the spectrum ifyouknowwhatimean, so I guess I can't be too hard on her. But her endless stupid questions and things she fixates on, plus her total lack of social skills and professional behavior, just fucking aggravates me to no end. I know I'm not the only one, either. But so far, my boss has had the patience of a saint with her, though he's showing signs of cracking- but hey, that's what you get for hiring everyone who shows up :-P

OK, well, cross yer fingers and wish me luck tomorrow. Thor knows I'm gonna fucking need it!

I see the light at the end of the tunnel... and it's not a train!

Got hired for the job today, BOOM! Hiring manager informed me he thinks I'll do very well because I'm "bubbly and full of life." Yeah, clearly we just met ;-) Average person in my position makes 1k a week. I am SO DOWN WITH THIS. Just have to get over my dislike of having to wear a blue polo shirt.

It was pretty much a nightmare though, the whole process. Getting there wasn't so bad, except the walk from the train was way longer than I bargained for, so tomorrow I'm changing my route. But upon getting there, had to wait in line for 20 minutes or so, then we filed into a building that wasn't nearly as air conditioned as it needed to be. Waited another 30 minutes or so for the manager to show up- apparently he got stuck in traffic. Extremely unprofessional, but ok, I'll let it slide. We're all human.

What I could NOT let slide was the endless tangential jibber jabber that came out of his mouth. I appreciate you trying to connect to the people in the room- but this isn't a stand up routine, hurry the fuck up and interview us so we can get out of here! Didn't get interviewed until about 2pm, by which time I was thoroughly light headed from heat, lack of sleep, and low blood sugar, on the verge of hallucinating and/or passing out, and chewing Alka Seltzer chewy bits just to stay alive. But I made it, and was reminded afterwards just how shitty Burger King is. (Seriously, McDonald's is 1000000000000 times better.)

Still felt shitty after, and I think this was also because me+sunlight in summer= OH FUCK NO CRISIS. My skin freaks out, and I sweat and turn alarmingly red. I was probably dehydrated too, which is why the altercation that happened on the Q7 bus seriously pissed me off. I'll just copy and paste what I already wrote somewhere else, because I need to go to bed soon.

"I’m on the bus, and I’m praying it’s a short bus ride, because I really wasn’t feeling well… when this lady decides she’s going to take 4 kids AND a skateboard, 2 scooters, AND A BICYCLE on the bus… which was not a double length bus. Bus driver tells her flat out, no. You’re gonna take up too much space with all that, not on my bus. Lady gets all I KNOW MY RIGHTS, whips out her phone, and threatens to call someone. Then decides instead to VIDEOTAPE THE BUS DRIVER while asking her where it says she can’t bring a bike on the bus. Bus driver starts getting hysterical about being filmed (understandably so), finally relents and says OK, but you have to go in the back, DO NOT BLOCK ANYONE’S PATH, and you have to pay full fare for all the kids. (Not unreasonable, that’s the rules- they are all over 5.) Lady does NOT pay for the kids, says no other bus driver has ever asked her to before, and so she’s not paying because she’s not prepared to. Bus driver gets SO AGITATED, she stops the bus, gets off, starts talking on her cell, and informs us we all need to take the bus behind us, because this bus is now out of service. While boarding next bus, SURPRISE! two incidents in which the kids injured fellow passengers with their equipment.

Listen, lady, I understand your dilemma. But do YOU understand that by imposing yourself and the kids like that, you just fucked up a whole lot of people’s days? Un fucking believable. Pick your battles better!"

Could not fucking believe the nerve this woman had. So eager to paint herself as a victim, without once thinking of the people around her. Especially the poor bus driver, whose nerves were clearly already shot. Is it wrong of me to hope that when the woman complains (because she made it clear she would report the driver) that they side with the driver? The driver could certainly have handled it better, but she was definitely not in the wrong. ARGGGGHHHHHH, bitches be crazy. 

Ok, I'm going to sleep now, much to the chagrin and sadness of my fella, but I think he'll get used to it. Hopefully Groucho won't feel the need to be such an astute alarm clock tomorrow morning... this morning she woke me up 40 minutes early! (and then announced I needed to get up by rabbit kicking my chin. Brat. And then watched me shower. Oh, little creepy pest cat, I love you so <3)

The View From The Bottom

So here I am, at the very fucking bottom of the well. And I'm finding some sort of bitter amusement in those around me. It's funny how when you are literally unable to pay for your own existence, all that petty shit that people around you whine about seems so fucking trivial, though I'd never say it. Because I know it's a matter of perspective. Money really does rule the world. But seriously, you're upset because your morning coffee wasn't hot/cool/sweet/light/dark enough? You poor thing. I'm late on rent and have nothing to wear to my job interview on wednesday... and I mean nothing. I don't have "professional" clothes. And I cannot, at the moment, afford to go buy any. Not even at Goodwill, which is where I'd shop even if I could afford better. If my boyfriend did not feed me, I'd be starving right now. That being said, I know lots of other people have it much worse. I know I've got shelter, access to clean water, blah blah... but that doesn't make my problems any better. Just like my problems don't make anyone else's petty bullshit better. Besides, I get to kiss 2 fluffy white cat bellies every day... that, in my eyes, makes me fucking blessed <3

Back up the charlie car, you say... INTERVIEW?! Yeah, I am going to an interview on Wednesday in a pain in the ass spot to get to. It's pretty much right where LI technically begins. The pay and benefits (full, after 90 days) are pretty awesome, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to hate the job, though I'm also pretty sure they're going to hire me, just because they need bodies. They've got a high turnover, and I doubt I'll be one of the shining stars. But even if I'm only there for a few weeks, it'll get me back on my feet.

And as far as interview clothes go, it looks like I might have a gig tonight, and if not I can probably get one either tonight or tomorrow, or I can beg more money off my fella. Like I did the other day so I didn't lose my bank account. Or like a few days ago when I needed to pay off last week's rent :-P

Fucking hell. I know it can get a lot worse, but I'm hoping and working for it to get a lot better. Fingers crossed. I've even deactivated my FB account, I've been so fucking frustrated. Just didn't want to say something to someone I didn't mean. Also got super sick of seeing made up drama and bullshit. It's easy when you're struggling to survive to lash out at people who don't have real problems. And I don't want to be that girl.

Off I go, today is grocery shopping day. Whoo hoo. But there's also pizza, so there's that. I swear, sometimes I think I don't deserve my fella. Other times, I think I can't stand him. But I still don't deserve him ;-)

Surrealism.

Good lord, today was weird. Last night, I found out that an old friend of mine (whom I'd unfortunately lost contact with, as had almost all of his friends in NYC, when he moved upstate suddenly) passed away. Here's a picture of us, about 6 years ago- this was before I gained weight and I was a cute little blond thing :-P

I was working for a promoter at the time, which is how I met "Nick." Why the quotes? Well, as the four of us from the music scene side of his life learned today, that wasn't his name at all. I knew him as a shaman of sorts- he was an INCREDIBLE performer, and he had this pre-show ritual where he'd lay out an animal hide of some sort, with assorted oddities on top- animal bones, feathers, incense, tarot cards, and dice (which I'd often blow on before he rolled them out, for luck). He captivated people, left them completely spellbound by the end of his performances. And he was SO AUTHENTIC in his persona, his wild man, mystic shaman persona, that I could think of him no other way. Sometimes he'd rescue me from the chaos and bullshit that inevitably comes with working in the music scene, and we'd go to a quiet bar or get something to eat together, getting to wherever we were going in his 1985 pickup truck. He was a truly rare gem in a sea of people trying to stand on each other.

So imagine my shock today- the four of us who knew him as this man, standing outside the funeral home, passing a flask around in his honor- when I- we all, really- learn that not only was his name completely different, but we only knew half the man! He wasn't entirely a wild man loner, as I had imagined. He had a whole bunch of family, most of whom he wasn't in touch with anymore either, and while we had no idea that he played hockey, was a celebrated architect, etc- imagine his family's surprise when they found out he was in a band, and what a band!

Seeing his picture up there is really tearing at me right now. Apparently he died of a heart defect that he was born with. I know there's no such thing as gone too soon- you go when you're supposed to go, otherwise you wouldn't go- but I wish I could give him one last hug and kiss and tell him how much I appreciate him and love him. Even though I only knew half of him, I was so fortunate to have met even just that half.

Wherever you are Nick (because that's how I know you best), please know you are loved and missed. Be at peace- though I suspect you are, because you were never entirely of this world as far as I'm concerned. You will always have a place in my heart <3

Progress...!

Ok, so I seem to have gotten the hang of making a knit in hem pretty quickly. Finished the first one, currently working on the second one, and I'll get as much done tonight as I can, limited only by the amount of yarn I've plied. And speaking of which, I need to put a LOT less spin in it. Fortunately though, I've got plenty of Time Team episodes to keep my company throughout this endeavor. The UK is so goddamn beautiful, I wish I could just pack my shit and move there.

Well, I intend to have this done by my birthday in 10 days, so I better get a move on. Speaking of my birthday... ;-)

Give me your money, stop acting funny!

Light Bulb Lace!

I randomly generated three lace patterns here, and then swatched them between last night and today. The first one was pretty cool looking, and I could have just settled then and there, but my OCD insisted I swatch all three, and I'm glad I did. I feel a little silly though, I tried to avoid having double yarn overs, but it turns out the one I love is the one with a double yarn over. Go figure! They kind of look like little light bulbs though, don't they?

So the plan for the tank is as follows: At 6 sts per inch, I'm going to have a circumference of 40 inches, so that's 240 around. It's going to be worked from the top down, starting with the front (120 sts), which will be worked in halves (60 sts each). After each side is hemmed, they will then be joined and worked flat down to the bottom of the under arm.... then the back will be cast on, hemmed, and worked flat for the same length as the front, only the lace panel (50 stitches wide, 35 plain stockinette on each side) will begin a row or two after the hem. At the bottom of the under arm, the pieces will be joined and worked in the round until the end. I still haven't decided whether I want to use ribbing or hemming for the bottom, but I've got plenty of time to decide. My main issue at the moment is plying the yarn I'm going to use. At the moment, it's a very very thin cotton ribbon- what you see up above is the same yarn, navajo plied. It's got the most wonderful crisp texture to it, and it dries very quick, making it an awesome choice for a tank top. I just have to get to work on that, after I finish the other thing I'm doing with my drop spindle. I should probably get myself another drop spindle soon.

Gonna go spin now in anticipation of dinner. Fucking porterhouse steaks tonight, with corn and potatoes. The iron boost will come in handy, since I've been a crampy, headachey mess all day. I still think it's unfair that those of us who will never have kids have to deal with this anyway! RAWR!

Knitterly Musings

Generally, in the summer I tend to knit less, because it's hot and I don't even want to think about having a pile of fiber in my lap or whatever. But since I won a huuuuuge yarn stash a few weeks ago, I've been thinking about knitting a sweet little tank top out of some of the cotton I've got. My inspiration is here: http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/summertime-tunic

Basically, my pattern would be the same- ribbon straps, keyhole, and the same basic shape. BUT! I'd work it from the top down- knitting the front and the back separately, using a basic knit in hem for the ribbon casing as shown here: http://www.studiomarlowe.com/2011/02/tutorials-making-a-basic-knit-in-hem/
I would then work them down to where I'd want to bottom of the armhole to be, and then I'd join them in the round. I am thinking of having the back of the tank be an all over lace pattern, perhaps a horseshoe pattern? Not sure yet, but I would also skip the "blouson" effect created by the ribbing in the middle- SO not attractive on a heavier chick. I'd just make it straight stockinette on the front, until I got to (almost) the desired length... and then I'd either finish it off with a few inches of ribbing, or perhaps a hem with more ribbon pulled through it, or perhaps even a decorative edging. Or maybe even a picot hem... or maybe even the top will be a picot hem! SO MANY PRETTY POSSIBILITIES!

In other news, my Kickstarter is complete, after much work and a bit of frustration (why do they use Amazon payments and not Paypal, wtf) it is waiting to be reviewed. I will know on Monday or Tuesday if I'm good to go, and if so, it's cha cha time. CHA CHA TIME I TELL YOU! Money from the Kickstarter will fund a new camera, so I can have color accurate photos, nail polish making supplies, and a few other things I need for dyeing, like soda ash and a tarp. And gloves. But, since I don't wanna count my chickens before they hatch, and it's an all (or more) or nothing sort of deal, I'm not even gonna let myself make a real list until I know I've got a fighting chance.

I'm gonna whomp up some mojo soon, too. I know I'm gonna need it. But, even if the Kickstarter doesn't work out, I'm still determined to make it happen. And so it shall be :-)

kiiiiiiick it.

I've decided to make a kickstarter for my newest venture. I've learned so much from the last one, that I feel very, very confident moving forward in this one. I know my strengths and weaknesses better, and how to harness them. Plus, this time around I think it'll be a LOT more fun. No more knitting fucking stuffed animals, argh!

MONEY MONEY MONEY, COME TO ME!

Dreams I Had Last Night

I'm a firm believer that dreams are your brain's way of trying to tell you shit. Sometimes it's shit you already know, sometimes it's entertainment, sometimes it's shit you kind of know but don't want to acknowledge, and very rarely, sometimes your dreams will warn you of plights or pleasures to come. Super rarely, I'll have a dream that doesn't feel like a dream- such as a few weeks ago, I dreamt of my friend Suzi. It felt like we actually met on some astral plane, and as I was sending the dream to her, I thought that I wouldn't be surprised if she had the same dream. WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT, SHE DID. But that's a story for another day.

Anyhow, last night's dreams were... well, kind of neutral on the good/bad spectrum I guess, except for the first dream where OMG SENTENCED WAS PLAYING! They're not even a band anymore, but I think I was in Finland when I saw them. This I think stems from yesterday's lusting after Finland's snow in summer- a friend of mine lives in Southern Finland, and posted a picture of the snow, and of the temp- 5 degrees Celsius! I need to at least have a summer home there some day. How fucking glorious, to not need air conditioning?! I'm sure the heating bills make up for it, but whatevs. I'd knit a thousand sweaters just to be able to live there in summer. I DO NOT LIKE THE HEAT, SAM I AM.

The second dream, I think I was actually in Law and Order: SVU because I remember talking to Amaro and I remember we were quite good friends. I think he was moving somewhere. It wasn't terribly interesting, though, although I remember it being a party type setting.

The THIRD dream though, that's where shit got weird. Me and my friend Kelley were out jogging (yeah, because I do that) around my neighborhood, only it was a weird part of my neighborhood that only exists in dream land. We wound up checking out some hipster thing going on... I think it was wedding pictures or something, there was some bizarre vintage piece of kitchen equipment or something behind the people. (Sue me, I was browsing Etsy before bed). I'm not quite sure how or why, but I wound up inside the house while everyone was gone, looking for my yarn. Um, why my yarn was in there, I don't know... how I got in, I don't know. But my shoes were off, and my things were scattered, and I remember thinking I needed to hurry to get everything together before these people came home. Just as I get everything together... they show up. So there I am, opening the door for this chick and she's all like, "Don't you know how to knock?!" and she walks past in a huff. So I go out front, where her fiance or husband or whoever is, and sit down with the group, and I'm trying to explain how some guys stole my yarn and put it in the house. (I'm pretty sure that was a lie in the dream.) And the guy totally starts ignoring me! I asked if anyone was listening, and this drunk guy with a beard said, "I am!" and sat facing me, but I just brushed him off and went to the train. And for some reason, I had to take the A to Broadway Junction, so I guess I wasn't really in my neighborhood anymore.

I think it was a pretty self explanatory dream, that last one: GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. And don't make excuses.

So here I am up in Harlem again... and I think I'll do just that!

OH OH OH but one more thing!

:-D ok, so I've been wanting a spinning wheel for a while, to ply yarn on because it's a fuck ton faster than a drop spindle. Hours of work on a drop spindle is about 20 minutes on a wheel...but jeeeeezus, wheels are fucking EXPENSIVE. I'd done so much research, I was even about to delve into making my own crude one for ~$20, but then wasn't sure I could pull it off because I don't really have the tools. (I think the crude model is called a DODEC, because the wheel isn't really round, it's a dodecahedron.) Fast forward to yesterday, my soul sister's mom (who is always posting things on her page for "your knitting friend") puts a pictures of a bunch of knitting needles, crochet hooks, and various knitting accessories on her page, all for $50, and asks if I'd be interested. As they were all straight needles, and I've got MORE than enough of those, I politely declined, but then noticed she had originally posted it in a group called Fiber Processing Tools For Sale. Oh hai, you're relevant to mai interests! So I mentioned that I'd joined the group because I'd be in the market for a spinning wheel soon, and my soul sister immediately says, "Oh sweet- hey mom, keep a look out for a reasonably priced wheel, I've decided Tina should have one & I'm gonna get it for her, but don't tell her, it's a secret!" Awww, isn't that sweeet,  but I told her they're all too expensive and I couldn't let her do that unless she won the lottery. AND THEN HER OWN MOTHER mentions she's got TWO wheels she's looking to sell, WITH PICTURES! holy shit, my heart stopped, & Sooja was all like, "pick one, I'm wheely serious!" I WEPT LIKE A FUCKING BABY. I went for the smaller one, (which still needs a few parts) because of apartment living and all, and I just can't even. I AM SO EXCITE! 

Help, I'm a Rock!

No, I'm not really. I am however, impatiently awaiting the day I'm ALL MOVED OUT of Harlem. Fuck's sake, I know I need to make more of an effort, but I usually don't even know where to start when I'm there, so I just wind up taking stuff with me without throwing out stuff or organizing other stuff. I really need to not be paying rent there right now. It's draining me of money that I could be putting into the Etsy shop I'm launching soon... I'll be selling yarn I've recycled from thrift store sweaters, re-dyed, and re-plied on my drop spindle, along with complementing, one of a kind nail polish. I AM SO EXCITED, but I'm chomping at the bit. I need to spend more time up there, which I'm sure my fella will (grudgingly) understand. I might need someone with a car to help me at some point, which will be easily enough arranged. I just need to be out of there ASAP because this going back and forth thing is killing me.

Ok, I'm going to go play with some yarn. It'll make me feel better. The end. 

I will stop learning when I am dead. And even then, who knows?

There is much to learn about everything, and I am like a sponge when it comes to things I am curious about. In the last 24 hours, I learned how to Andean ply (to make a two ply yarn from one single using a bracelet type of winding on one's wrist), how to rig a quick gizmo involving a disposable cup and knitting needles so you DON'T have to use your wrist for the aforementioned plying, how to spin yarn from torn strips of fabric (I foresee some lovely cat beds in the not too distant future!),  how to Navajo ply on a drop spindle (also known as chain plying, and perfect for the cobweb weight cashmere I've got literally about a mile of), what an Indian charkha is and what it's good for, and how to make a really cheap lazy kate for my plying activities.

I also like to plumb the depths of my mind from time to time to figure out why I am the way I am, why I feel the way I do, why I react to certain things the way I do, etc. I think that there's always more to learn about oneself, especially when one has lived a life like mine. I've made really excellent progress over the last few years, I think in part because I was introduced to certain Zen teachings. I can't for the life of me remember the guy's name at the moment, but I watched a ton of his videos and while I was initially confused, I eventually caught on and was able to use his techniques on myself. Basically, the premise is that you are like a very multifaceted diamond, or a corporation with many, many employees- and all of your employees are important and valid. Your employees might include happy you, angry you, the sad teenager, etc. Sometimes, one of your employees will request a meeting with you, and you will see them in yourself over and over again until you confront them and let them speak. Sounds somewhat schizophrenic, or like some kind of multiple personality disorder bullshit, I know- but it works for me.

Anyhow, lately, the part of me known as the Stunted Child has been rearing her head. I let her have her say- in fact, I wrote it all down. Warrior Woman makes an appearance towards the end. I'm going to share it here, for future reference, and because it might help someone who can identify with it, if there's anyone out there who can. I'm not putting the original here, because it needs editing, so I'm just going to edit as I go.

I AM THE STUNTED CHILD.

Great bars of darkness and sadness and hard feelings and silence enclose me tightly, preventing me from growing. There are things I know not to talk about, and this includes my feelings of fear and isolation and incredible insecurity.

I know real darkness, and real things to be really afraid of beyond the things that keep me in my cage, but somewhere along the way, the lines and boundaries have blurred and shifted, and everything is a potential threat. I do not have a loving, stable foundation. Nothing is solid under me, or behind me. No reassurance is ever given. Everything seems forever conditional, including the love of family. Will I always be loved? Am I worthy of love? Was I ever loved? Over and over again, in self defense, to save myself from more inevitable hurt, I conclude NO.

My mother is beaten and abused violently in front of me, often. I am taken from her. I am given to someone cruel and manipulative. I cannot gauge how much dignity, self respect, or self love my mother had while she was being abused, or if she had any pride left at all. She had enabled her abuser with alcohol, while trying to drink away her own sorrows and shortcomings. But I do know that I did not start out with much dignity or pride, and I had no notions of self respect or self love. My guardian is a person who does not deserve the title, and takes great delight and advantage of this. While it is routinely beaten into me to take pride in my schoolwork so as to keep up the outward appearance of a well adjusted, intelligent child, it is routinely beaten out of me at home that I should have any kind of pride in myself for achieving anything.

At first alone by cautiousness and the inevitable fences that abuse forms around a damaged kid, I am later actually isolated in some ill guided, cruel attempts at "discipline." Therefore, I have no map outside the home to study normal social behaviors, and I am certainly not learning them within my home. All I am taught is that I am bad and wrong and I should be ashamed of my very existence. While I know deep down that my abuser is bad and wrong, I also know that I am powerless to change or end the relationship for the time being. I come to the conclusion that the only way to change the status quo is to die.

My attempt fails. It would be a Pyrrhic victory otherwise;  my abuser does not know and is probably incapable of knowing that she has done anything wrong. In order to step out of the role of whipping boy, I have cut off all contact with her. But although it would seem she is now powerless over me, this is not true. The effects of her words and actions have traveled far into the future, over my head and sprawling in front of me even now, in a slowly diminishing, yet sadly still thick fog. I am unaware and unconcerned with whether or not she knows this; my main concern is to navigate out of this wretched haze as unscathed as possible.

Somehow, I have a strong sense of self preservation, some deep seated primal instinct to survive and adapt by all means necessary, despite my singular attempt to throw it all away. I was thrown into a hole; I fell deeper and deeper down the hole. While I was capable of finding beauty in the ugliness and contentment among the misery, I was still falling down. I looked into the heart of darkness and found something positive, but it was only a function of self preservation. Out of negativity and cruelty and madness I build my steps out of the abyss. I am the stunted child who was never fed enough love or stability to grow properly, but I am also the warrior woman who is climbing swiftly out of the deepest recesses of despair with a sword in my hand and a fire in my heart. I am finding peace, but I will never be afraid to fight for what's right.

I will never be ashamed or afraid to defend myself; indeed I will make sure I am always someone worth defending. The stunted child will always be a part of me, but now she knows she is loved and accepted for who she is. Unconditionally and forever, she has a home in my heart and she is perfect in her role. She doesn't need to be anything other than the stunted child. As she is, she has taught me empathy and compassion and to find peace and stillness among whirlwinds of fear and darkness.

She is still largely unsupported by anyone but me though. And that's ok. If someone chooses not to accept her for what she is, they will never meet her. If they choose not to believe in her, they will never see her. But when she needs to speak, I will let her. Even if no one else does, I respect her for who she is. 

HOLY SHIT. I won the yarn lottery!

So I like to look through the "free" section on CL occasionally, just to see what's out there... and generally, it's nothing but things that don't interest me. Baby clothes, old pallets, etc. But today, someone was advertising free yarn... someone in the next neighborhood over. Totally within walking distance. Not only that... but they were SPOOLS of yarn, big quantities, used for machine knitting (but also totally usable for hand knitting.) NOT ONLY THAT, but they are natural fibers- some merino, some wool crepe, a bunch of an odd mercerized cotton that feels like linen, AND TWO GIGANTIC SPOOLS OF BEAUTIFUL CASHMERE. There is some silk in there, two cones of some interesting sleek black rayon, and I can't even remember the rest. At least $1000 worth of yarn, for free- and so much that I had to take a cab home.

It's probably more yarn than I can knit or crochet with in my lifetime, but that's not going to stop me from trying to knit it all within the next few months. No sirree bob, this is a challenge I will not be backing down from! By September, I bet I will have made a SIZEABLE dent. Yes. YES YES YES. My fella is getting a sweater, another hat, and some gloves. I am getting a skirt, probably out of the rayon. And there is going to be so much left over, I can't even! YESSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Ohhhhh this WEATHER! *shakes fist*

I would like to blame my sudden lack of motivation for EVERYTHING on this shit weather we've been having lately, but honestly, endless rain takes a while to get to me. It's got to be gray for about a week straight before I start losing my shit, so to be very honest with myself it's a horrible lack of sleep on my part. Being tired all the time means I don't walk or do much of anything productive, although the bit of crankiness I've been feeling spurred me to get on top of the housework. There are various reasons for my recent lack of sleep, everything from Groucho being needy to me being stupid and drinking too much tea before bed. I haven't gained back any of the weight I've lost though, so at least there's that.

One of the things I really need to get on top of is hammering out a final version of the ski masks from Breaking Bad. It's totally easy money and the buyers are waiting, but I'm having difficulty figuring certain parts out as none of the (very few!) photos on the internet are clear enough for me to reverse engineer stitch counts for decreases and the like. I've almost got it though, but I need to buy a set of size 10 DPNs to finish it properly. I've also got to get the correct contrasting colors for the masks- they are very specific shades of red and green and I'm hell bent on making them look authentic. That'll be on my to do list for tomorrow. I should probably also just make myself walk tomorrow. I need to start doing ab exercises again too. I want to get down to at least 180 by my birthday in July. It's more than doable, if I put my head to it. I really just need to make myself do it- once I start, the rest is easy.

In the interest of trying to get a good night's sleep for once, I am cutting my babbling short. Good bye computer, good bye internet... sleep awaits me! 

I FUCKING DID IT.

With days to spare, I smashed my goal of 100 miles from April 5 to May 3rd, and walked 102.1 miles in 23 days. Not only that, but I'm capable of walking 16-17 minute miles. Some people can barely jog a 16 minute mile! Granted, that's still pushing myself, but to know I'm capable is pretty fucking rad. I've got to start doing other exercises, and I've been planning and implementing better, more serious changes to my diet, so I'm pretty excited to see the changes in the hopefully not too distant future. It's all about eating clean for me, so to speak- I know that's a trendy catchphrase now, but for me it's a little different because I was a REALLY "dirty" eater. I'm trying to eat more roastable veggies (NOTHING thrills me quite like roasted brussels sprouts or asparagus!) and while I'd love to go crazy on berries, I'm a little too poor at the moment. Portion control is becoming a thing now, too. Like, what the hell self, you're putting half an avocado back in the fridge? You've still got sprouts left? WHO ARE YOU.

Anyhow, the point is that I feel I've got more tools and plot points to help me reach my goals now. I'm also becoming more aware of how my mentality affects my eating. Today, while grumpily sewing an elephant ear on to a stuffed toy I knit for a commission, I got really frustrated and instantly, my body translated that to HUNGRY SO HUNGRY, hey, you know what? EAT SOMETHING DELICIOUS AND BAD FOR YOU and you'll feel better! Maybe it's a really perverted form of masochism- I'm mad at myself for not being very good at sewing on some level, so my head wants to punish me with something that isn't good for me, but I'll like, therefore wanting more of, therefore punishing me more. I'm still in self destruct mode every now and then, so I've got to catch it as it's happening and re-link my mental processes to more healthy things.

No shit man, if you took the me from a year ago and time traveled her to the me now, she'd laugh at you and say it wasn't gonna be her, ever. I'm literally a different person now... it's insane.

Making real progress again.

Finally overcame whatever hurdle I had in front of me, and I'm down 5 real pounds now. I created a route that I really love walking- it's 5.45 miles and it's got just enough twists and turns to keep me happy. I'm pretty sure if I keep walking it every day like I've been, the pounds will start melting off. It's also becoming clear that I'm going to smash my goal of walking 100 miles between April 5th and May 3rd. I've only got 14 miles to go, and 8 days left. That means to meet the goal, I'd need to do just 1.75 miles a day. PSHAWWW, that's small potatoes now ;-)

I've also started doing some core exercises as of this afternoon. I found this quick two minute workout, which, when you look at the perky blonde doing them, you think they must be effortless. HA HA HA, nope. You see, there's this thing called GRAVITY, and when you actually get down into planking position to start the routine, you realize right away that it's no piece of cake. It's more like rocks in your half baked plain potato. I felt SO HEAVY  trying to do those moves, but I think with practice, in a few weeks I should pretty much be comfortable with them, although I doubt they'll be easy. I should really get myself a yoga mat for things like this.

My only other thing is... well, I need to get better with food. I've been very generous with calories, knowing that I burn a lot on my walks, but still, eating a few less calories wouldn't hurt one bit. (Says the girl who practically begged her boyfriend for Domino's new specialty chicken pizza for dinner tonight... it's pizza, but instead of bread, it's on fried chicken tenders. OMFG SO DELICIOUS. fuck.)

In other news, I did some planting the other night. Beefsteak tomatoes, cherry tomatoes, cucumbers, and sweet peas, all to be grown in containers. Also planted some Gala apple seeds, and plan to do some radishes as soon as I get a good container for them. I probably won't be growing out apple trees in my apartment, but I know people with yards who'd want them :-P It'll be a bit of a challenge to grow these things to fruition inside, but I'll make it work this time, now that I have more space.

Ok, I've got some knitting to do now, so off I go. 

HOLY filet of fuck.

Just completed a 6.27 mile walk. It was totally awesome and all, and my speed has improved to just under 20 minutes a mile, but HOLY FUCKING PANTS SEAMS. Usually, the places that I'd be bothered by chafing are around my nether regions, and thankfully, that hasn't been an issue so far. But today? From my knees up, on the inside of my thighs, a big red rashy looking thing has appeared. Of course I put lotion on when I got home, but I should have gone straight for the A+D because this shit was HARSH. I've gotta get myself some workout gear that doesn't have inner thigh seams or something.

I'm really proud of how much of a difference I feel now, physically. It used to be that I'd struggle up that long hill on Grandview, now I zip up it. Even at the tail end of a 6.27 mile walk! And although I think my tendinitis issue has largely disappeared because I got new sneakers, I think it's also got something to do with the fact that every single day, I've pushed myself to work through whatever issues have been plaguing me. Changing the scenery helps a lot for me- today, I walked up to Juniper Valley Park, which is gorgeous and huge, and I am totally looking forward to spending time there this summer. Although I don't think it's wise for me to do such long walks every day, I'm totally ok with amending my route to be shorter, but still include that park. Another sweet thing about my walk is that about 3/5 of the way through, there's a KMart with a bathroom. I pray they never close that KMart as long as I'm here... I try to completely drain myself before going out, but sometimes, it creeps up on me.

So now I've just eaten dinner and I'm completely knackered at 10:37pm, but I'm ok with that. I like the idea of getting up earlier and going to bed earlier. It feels better for some reason, whereas before I ranged  anywhere from semi nocturnal to completely nocturnal to just plain old "what the fuck?!" Stability isn't something I've had much of in my adult life- in fact, I've mostly rejected it because I had far too much growing up (well, from 6+ anyway). But now, the idea of stability in certain areas is pretty appealing.

I'm just gonna end this now, before I start rambling. Good night!

Getting STRONGER!

So last week, while dog sitting, I managed to clock in 30.14 miles altogether of walking. I resisted the urge to be a lazy motherfucker and sit in that gloriously comfy recliner all day long. I did not, however, keep up with the dieting aspect of the mission, but that's ok. I didn't gain any weight, and while I didn't lose any, there's a visible difference in my body already- my sister remarked that my stomach looked smaller. I can see my cheekbones again, and I feel a fuck ton stronger. And as of this morning, I'm still 194 lbs! I can't wait to see what I look like at 184 lbs. My goal is at least 4 miles a day. Today, I rang up 5.91 miles! 1.81 of those miles were running errands, but every little bit counts. The workout was a little rough towards the end though... I started with a headache, which progressed into a stomachache, which eventually by the end presented itself as wanting to puke, but I just kept thinking about not being fat, and I fucking made it. I felt so victorious afterwards.

At any rate, puking is better than shitting. What do I mean, you say? HA! Well, once upon a time... er... well, let's just say this: Never underestimate the power of fiber gummies, decide you need to try all the flavors, and then decide to go for a walk. You're gonna have a bad time. Fortunately, I was in the woods and no one was around, so I was able to dash like a mountain goat over some treacherous mud puddles and rocks, position myself behind a large pile of dirt and rocks, and just let go. LESSON SO LEARNED. (And in case you're wondering, yes, ALL THE FLAVORS are delicious :-P)

Speaking of lessons learned, I was just thinking the other day about the reasons for starting this blog. I had been thinking about it for a while, as I was getting back into spiritual research at the time (hence the name- Cerridwen is my patron goddess. I still get an electric charge when I manifest her name), and I also wanted a place to document the growth of my plants. I just didn't really get around to doing it until I NEEDED a semi public place to vent out my feelings of anger and frustration regarding a certain situation I had been through- I needed a place to react, where I knew I would be heard. Normally, I would have gotten over it and deleted any negativity I had created- but looking back, my feelings were completely valid, and to delete something I had expressed would be to deny the validity of my feelings. From there, though, pretty cool shit happened within me. It's funny, I've got this... I don't want to say disorder, but it's definitely SOMETHING, named or not- well, whatever it is, the symptom is that I often react to negativity by becoming incredibly focused on positivity and creating something beautiful. So I knit, paint, draw, garden, etc. Time and again, when I feel like someone else has pointed some kind of negativity at me, I react by exploding into bloom. Because I know that whatever negativity they have going on in their heads, whatever sadness, self loathing, pain, despair, etc that they're projecting, it has nothing to do with me. Come to think of it, it might even be a defense mechanism for me, to create light in the face of darkness. It only seems to work when it comes from the outside though.  I've been through my own darkness and despair time and again- I've been suicidal, I've been beyond suicidal into the pit of complete and utter apathy. I've hit rock bottom, hard. I tried drinking my problems away, tried to forget about my life with copious amounts of alcohol and indiscriminate sexual encounters. It wasn't until the past few months that I decided enough was enough. Sometimes, for me to make a change in my life, or to get passionate about something, it has to stew within me for whatever length of time it needs to grow roots. Sometimes it's years, sometimes it's hours. Sometimes, something that took years resolves itself in a matter of minutes- "I'm gonna do it RIGHT NOW!" and then it's done.

Oh jeez, I'm losing my train of thought here. It's fucking hard to hear myself think with music and talking. Plus, I'm exhausted. Gonna take a shower and sleep like a baby. The conclusion of whatever I just said up there is that right now, I'm in a really good, exciting place in my life, and it's because I decided to pull up my britches and go there. I did it because I knew it would be worth it, and because I know I am fucking worth it. I don't think I've been this optimistic since I was a naive teenager, and I've certainly never been this determined, confident, or motivated in my life. Motivation is a funny thing for me... it seems to live by it's own rules, and when it decides to grace me with it's presence, I am blessed. Otherwise, it seems I'm fumbling around for a light switch that's ten feet above my head in the dark. It seems though, that it's perfectly possible to keep around once you have it. If something is worth wanting, it's worth working for. Never lose sight of the goals you've made. I feel as though the 60 pounds I've gained since moving to Harlem the day my mother died in 2008 are symbolic of the darkness and emotional baggage I've been carrying around. As I shed them, I shed my past, and I am no longer chained to that darkness. I was so comfortable in that darkness, in my own skin, in the extra layers of fat that I maybe subconsciously felt protected me somehow. Since I started to reject that darkness and sadness, and the feelings I had of being crushed by helplessness, I started to become uncomfortable, physically in my skin. It doesn't surprise me that the two are related. I could no longer be comfortable going around in the same lazy, unhealthy & complacent circles, day after day, whether the ground I was treading was mental or physical.

I don't need those layers of  extra flesh anymore. I'm strong enough and confident enough to live in the light now. I will not hide in the darkness anymore, because I am worthy of living the beautiful life I'm more than willing to create for myself. I have nothing to hide. I am who I am, and that's it. Nothing more, nothing less, and it's nothing short of exactly who and what I need to be. I am done apologizing for my existence, I am done feeling unworthy, I am done feeling guilty for not measuring up to someone  else's standards of who I should be. To be the best kind of person I can be- this is my mission in life, and I'm not afraid of the inevitable mistakes and lessons I will experience along the way.

This is all me figuring shit out. No therapist, no friends giving me advice, because no one knows me like I do. I find that when I am most honest with myself, even if I see myself in a less than flattering light, it's still light and it illuminates questions and answers and mysteries.

Ok, I'm falling into a mental quagmire (giggity!) now, and I really need a shower and sleep so...bye!

Me, exercising?!

Yeah! I decided I was no longer comfortable in my own flesh, and as a result, wanted to lose some weight. My eating was getting pretty out of control, I mean, I was literally eating whatever the fuck I wanted. After reaching a max of 196 pounds, I decided to do something about it. I had been thinking about doing something for a while, but was catalyzed when I saw a pedometer on sale for $10 at some store in the Financial District. From that point on, kablammo! I've been really strict about food, and I've been keeping an exercise diary. Every day, I log total steps, distance, and calories burned. I've also been using MapMyRun to map out routes. I aim for a minimum of 4 miles a day, and since I started, I've been pretty good about doing it every day- except for when one of my cats went into heat (=sleep deprivation! and yes, she is getting spayed soon) and then my boyfriend got a mysterious case of bad food poisoning & I had to take care of him (=even more sleep deprivation!) And then, I came up here to my sister's place to dog sit while her and my brother in law enjoy Cancun for a week. Whatever weight I lost, I gained back, but I'm ok with that. As long as I don't gain more weight while I'm here (there's a fuck ton of god food to eat!) I'll count it as a victory. I've been good about mapping routes, and on top of walking the routes, I've been walking the dogs around the GIGANTIC school parking lot by my sister's place (no joke- this thing has to be a mile around). Mostly I'm just thrilled to be moving more. I'm tired of the aches and pains and stiffness and lack of energy that are no doubt the result of sitting on my ass and knitting for long hours. All those symptoms are disappearing though, slowly but surely! It's rare now that I get up from sitting or laying down and I have severe problems moving. I feel myself getting stronger. I've set goals for myself: I want to be down to 160 by my birthday in July, I want to have logged 100 miles by May 3rd, (I'm 13.23% complete, so I think I'll be ok!) and I want to maintain an average of 10k steps a day, which so far hasn't been difficult, although it's far more active than I was previously.

I also had to iron out some kinks with my pedometer- it's not entirely accurate, no matter where I put it on my body. My stride is set to the correct length, and my weight is correct, so I usually just measure the percentage of distance it's recorded and adjust all data accordingly to actual distance. It's been an invaluable tool though so far- and my scale at home being digital (though it unfortunately measures in kg!) I can track just how well I'm doing. I'll do much better though when I'm not around all this delicious food though.

As far as knitting goes, I'm on the tail end of a beautiful shawl for a swap, and I've got a ton of commissions- ranging from the bizarre (uh, a hot dog in bun? Breaking Bad ski masks?!) to the normal (baby stuff- two elephants and a pair of booties, not to mention an adult pair of fingerless gloves).

Ok, completely lost my train of thought while getting distracted by some loving from my furry, four legged niece and nephew. Boogey isn't moping this time, and Bisco is no longer scared of me. Everything is so lovey dovey now, it's ridiculous! I am SO GLAD my sister decided to have them instead of kids :-P

Time for a 5.62 mile walk now, away I go!

I can't think of a title, dammit! It's just my freakin' life, why do I need a title?

Ahem, anyhow. Fundraising for Guardians of Rescue is going well, crochet scrunchie making is going well, which is good because I make my street vending debut on Wednesday, and my sister is FINALLY fucking coming to visit this weekend! I'm going back to mental town with her on Saturday to get reacquainted with their second dog, since I'll be dog sitting for a week at the beginning of April. This past weekend, I got to finally meet an internet friend from PA, whom I've been friends with for a loooong time now, and she's every bit as awesome in person as she is online, which is rare, but so appreciated.

I'm really, really nervous about going out to sell my wares on the street this week, but I'm doing it with a friend who has been doing it for almost as long as I've been alive. I trust him on this though, so I hope I'm not wrong in doing so. If it works out, I have no problem with getting a street vending license and making a living out of that. The potential to make hundreds of dollars a day is really attractive. I'm willing to work for my money, since I love what I do, and I make really good stuff. I believe in myself, but I'm trying not to be too optimistic.

Ok, lovenuts is making us some knockworst now, so I better get back to scrunchie making. Fingers crossed though, I really really need this to work out. 

I am so tired right now, but it's so worth it.

Just finished making ten cat toys, from which half of the proceeds will go to Guardians of Rescue, a tireless local organization that fights for animals. So far, I've raised $50. Pretty pleased with myself. This weekend, I get to see a knitting friend from PA, and next week, I make my street vending debut with a long time vendor friend who assures me I can make literally hundreds of dollars...in a DAY. I am super stoked about this. I can't remember the last time I felt so hopeful and optimistic and proud of myself. The future looks really, really good right now. 

So far, success!

Opened my store on Monday, and made two sales so far, totaling $110. I can't tell you how incredible that feels! Not only that, I've got two commissions at $80 each to work on. It looks like phase one of my life, after 27.6 years, is finally coming together. The store looks really good and I'm getting a lot of positive feedback on both products and design. Now if there were just more than 24 hours in a day and I didn't have to sleep... I've got this goal, you see. I will be adding ten items to the store each week. Whether it's small items like cat toys or coffee cup cozies, or large ones like shawls, ten items will be added each week dammit! Until I reach my limit of 500, but hopefully with the networking I've been trying it will never be full.

I really couldn't have done this without my fella. I don't know what it is about him, but he inspires me to be a better person, and I love him all the more for it.

Here's my store link, in case anyone is interested: http://madcatknits.storenvy.com/

I figure I'll do a giveaway in the near future to bolster interest and awareness. Here's to the future! :-D

Coming Soon...!

...something I should have done a long, long time ago. I am finally, now that I have my ID situation straightened out and a bank account again (well, I am still waiting to deposit money. I am starting out with literally nothing but my materials and my skills), setting up an online business to sell my knit and crocheted goods. I am also setting up a Redbubble account to sell images of my paintings and drawings and such. In order to make the knit goods store cost effective, I will have to cut down on production time (but that's fine, it's not hard to speed up from "lollygagging" and "slow as shit"). Today was my first day roughly working on the schedule I'll be imposing on myself in order to be more productive.
Rule #1: Facebook only twice a day before 8pm, and for no longer than 10 minutes.
Rule #2: LOTS OF CAFFEINE. Duh.
Rule #3: Schedule digital entertainment that doesn't involve frequent interaction with the computer. No playlists involving songs I'll want to keep skipping, no movies or shows less than an hour long.
Rule #4: It's totally ok to be distracted by the cats. They ensure that I get up and walk around enough to avoid cramps and issues brought about by sitting on my ass all day long. (Although the rest of my day involves housekeeping and running errands.)
Rule #5: Be forgiving but firm with yourself. (I had to take a nap this afternoon, thanks to the girls being little terrorists this morning, which they made up for by snuggling with me). But then I didn't want to finish off the second glove I made today- being firm involves pushing myself to keep momentum going, to not stop in between stages of creation. (For some reason, I have these issues with knitting thumbs onto my gloves. All it involves is reattaching yarn and picking up a small amount of stitches and knitting for a few rounds, but the anticipation of doing it makes it feel like it's a whole extra glove worth of knitting by itself. I've never been a fan of patterns that involve fussy bits, but sometimes it can't be avoided.)
Rule#6: Items knitted for swaps, friends, etc, are worked on after 8pm or on the weekends, at least until I see how business is going.

As far as preparation for having an online brand goes, I've got my graphics prepared. I've got a store name, I've got preview images and I've got my price points figured out. I should be prepared with enough stock to feel confident about opening some time soon after Valentine's day. I am excited! (The cat silhouette is taken from my most recent tattoo, and has much to do with the shop name.)

~~~~~~~~~~~

Update on the spider situation: Shortly after I completed my last entry, I had a real, honest to goodness genuine meltdown. I can't remember the last time I flipped out that hard, if ever. I was wailing in anguish, sobbing uncontrollably with blood coming out of my nose, I had a raging headache, I was incredibly tense... and I couldn't sleep it off. I literally had to be sedated. It just all fully sank in, the magnitude of what happened to me. I COULD HAVE DIED. THREE TIMES. Fortunately I seem to have moved past my paranoia and panic, and I am able to sleep now without assistance. The bites are itchy as hell though, and I'm impatient for them to heal. Noli me tangere, motherfucker!