The View From The Bottom

So here I am, at the very fucking bottom of the well. And I'm finding some sort of bitter amusement in those around me. It's funny how when you are literally unable to pay for your own existence, all that petty shit that people around you whine about seems so fucking trivial, though I'd never say it. Because I know it's a matter of perspective. Money really does rule the world. But seriously, you're upset because your morning coffee wasn't hot/cool/sweet/light/dark enough? You poor thing. I'm late on rent and have nothing to wear to my job interview on wednesday... and I mean nothing. I don't have "professional" clothes. And I cannot, at the moment, afford to go buy any. Not even at Goodwill, which is where I'd shop even if I could afford better. If my boyfriend did not feed me, I'd be starving right now. That being said, I know lots of other people have it much worse. I know I've got shelter, access to clean water, blah blah... but that doesn't make my problems any better. Just like my problems don't make anyone else's petty bullshit better. Besides, I get to kiss 2 fluffy white cat bellies every day... that, in my eyes, makes me fucking blessed <3

Back up the charlie car, you say... INTERVIEW?! Yeah, I am going to an interview on Wednesday in a pain in the ass spot to get to. It's pretty much right where LI technically begins. The pay and benefits (full, after 90 days) are pretty awesome, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to hate the job, though I'm also pretty sure they're going to hire me, just because they need bodies. They've got a high turnover, and I doubt I'll be one of the shining stars. But even if I'm only there for a few weeks, it'll get me back on my feet.

And as far as interview clothes go, it looks like I might have a gig tonight, and if not I can probably get one either tonight or tomorrow, or I can beg more money off my fella. Like I did the other day so I didn't lose my bank account. Or like a few days ago when I needed to pay off last week's rent :-P

Fucking hell. I know it can get a lot worse, but I'm hoping and working for it to get a lot better. Fingers crossed. I've even deactivated my FB account, I've been so fucking frustrated. Just didn't want to say something to someone I didn't mean. Also got super sick of seeing made up drama and bullshit. It's easy when you're struggling to survive to lash out at people who don't have real problems. And I don't want to be that girl.

Off I go, today is grocery shopping day. Whoo hoo. But there's also pizza, so there's that. I swear, sometimes I think I don't deserve my fella. Other times, I think I can't stand him. But I still don't deserve him ;-)