That's what I feel like right now... roughly like a dense, cube shaped, quivering booger. I expressed that I may not be able to WOW Mr. Founder of the Company today, to him via email. He had just seen the sketch I did yesterday, and assured me I most certainly could, I was on the right track, and he knows I can do this. Furthermore, if I'm successful, he's gonna tie me in as CREATIVE DIRECTOR.
Hold up, I'm not celebrating that! Here are the two possible outcomes: I don't get it, because someone swoops in at the last minute and outshines me like platinum to tin, and I suffer the mildly burning sting of rejection and the overwhelming feeling that I'll never be good enough, ever. (It's ok, wouldn't be the first time.) I would have more work to put up on my online portfolio though, so there's that. The second scenario: I succeed, and I get a job I am SO NOT QUALIFIED for.
Either way, I feel like I'm being tested. Very, very harshly. My dream of having a gig that paid well and only required me to create artwork for the site every two weeks has suddenly gone up in smoke. All day, my adrenal glands have been reminding me of their presence. Mentally, I've been completely paralyzed by the scenarios before me. I cannot afford, right now, not to try my best... but can I afford to accept a job that I am not sure I am capable of performing well?
Unless I can somehow break this mental paralysis, I'm not going to have ANY chance at succeeding. I barely managed to get out a rough sketch today- not of the bridge that I said I'd do yesterday, but of a spin on Atlas bearing the heavens. (Many thanks to Ah-nold for being so fabulously ripped in his youth, and serving as my reference.) Of course, it didn't help that my fella somehow managed to rip a contact lens while it was in his eye, and so I had to bring his glasses to him at work... which completely sucked two hours out of the middle of my day, and made it even harder to focus myself. Fuck's sake, I'm finding it hard to even put words together here. And I don't want to drink more caffeine, I'm jittery enough as it is.
I just need to push through this. I'm sure a good night's sleep will help. I need to ignore everything else and just get into a tunnel vision like state, focused solely on creating art. Everything else around it and after can suck a big ol' bull dick at the moment. (Bull dicks are stupidly placed on their bodies, if you ask me. But still, all these distractions can go suck merrily away.)
Breathing needs to happen too. Herbal tea... yes, some sugarless, herbal tea will make me feel better. Off to go root around in my tea cabinet, I'm sure I've got something. Aw fuck it, I might just take some Xanax later too. This is heavy duty stuff, man!
Hold up, I'm not celebrating that! Here are the two possible outcomes: I don't get it, because someone swoops in at the last minute and outshines me like platinum to tin, and I suffer the mildly burning sting of rejection and the overwhelming feeling that I'll never be good enough, ever. (It's ok, wouldn't be the first time.) I would have more work to put up on my online portfolio though, so there's that. The second scenario: I succeed, and I get a job I am SO NOT QUALIFIED for.
Either way, I feel like I'm being tested. Very, very harshly. My dream of having a gig that paid well and only required me to create artwork for the site every two weeks has suddenly gone up in smoke. All day, my adrenal glands have been reminding me of their presence. Mentally, I've been completely paralyzed by the scenarios before me. I cannot afford, right now, not to try my best... but can I afford to accept a job that I am not sure I am capable of performing well?
Unless I can somehow break this mental paralysis, I'm not going to have ANY chance at succeeding. I barely managed to get out a rough sketch today- not of the bridge that I said I'd do yesterday, but of a spin on Atlas bearing the heavens. (Many thanks to Ah-nold for being so fabulously ripped in his youth, and serving as my reference.) Of course, it didn't help that my fella somehow managed to rip a contact lens while it was in his eye, and so I had to bring his glasses to him at work... which completely sucked two hours out of the middle of my day, and made it even harder to focus myself. Fuck's sake, I'm finding it hard to even put words together here. And I don't want to drink more caffeine, I'm jittery enough as it is.
I just need to push through this. I'm sure a good night's sleep will help. I need to ignore everything else and just get into a tunnel vision like state, focused solely on creating art. Everything else around it and after can suck a big ol' bull dick at the moment. (Bull dicks are stupidly placed on their bodies, if you ask me. But still, all these distractions can go suck merrily away.)
Breathing needs to happen too. Herbal tea... yes, some sugarless, herbal tea will make me feel better. Off to go root around in my tea cabinet, I'm sure I've got something. Aw fuck it, I might just take some Xanax later too. This is heavy duty stuff, man!
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