Did I Mention I'm Employed?

And my new job is awesome, because I get to pet dogs and puppies ALL DAY LONG?!

Well, I am and it is. I work at a super cool pet supply store in the financial district now, and I've only been working two days, but I've learned SO MUCH already. My boss is fun, though a little intense at times, and my co-workers (of which there are only 4) are mostly ok too. I met the last one today, who I'll be replacing sort of- she's moving to California and this bums me out because I really would love to keep working with her. The other chick that works the POS with me is a little hard to work with- she mumbles a lot, and goes halfway with something and gets distracted, and seems a little pissy. Actually, she reminds me a LOT of my first college roommate- they even look alike! Thankfully, she's not obnoxious like my cunty ex roommate was, and I'm getting used to working with her, even though it's a lot like I've got to tiptoe through broken glass sometimes. The other two co-workers are the delivery/stock/maintenance guys, and one is rarely there anymore, but the main one is really cool.

Of course, I'm not without complaints- the shifts are generally 9 hours long, and there aren't any structured breaks... so that HOUR break I'm legally entitled to? Yeah, I didn't get that today. There's a lot of standing, which I'm getting used to again, and sometimes the store gets really busy with phones ringing and customers needing to be rung up IMMEDIATELY HURRY UP MY CAR IS GOING TO GET TOWED HURRY GIVE IT TO ME NOW. But, I'll get used to it. I'm pretty comfortable with a large part of what's expected of me already, so I think I'll be ok.

Annnnd now I'm going to go eat Mexican, so... bye. 

BLAAARGHHHHHH

Ever since they fired *my* sandwich guy at the deli around the corner from me in Harlem, I've lost enthusiasm for their sandwiches... which I've been deeply loyal to for SIX YEARS NOW. Tonight? Whichever one of the new fuckheads up front (who were flirting with the cashier) was supposed to be making sandwiches, completely ignored me as I walked in and gazed deeply into the deli case, trying to ascertain whether they still had Boar's Head roast chicken. I was there for a good five minutes... the ONLY CUSTOMER. Until I thought, fuck it! and walked out. I'm not gonna tell you to do your job, or how to do your job, I'll just take my fucking money elsewhere. Sergio never made me wait, ever :-(  And he may not have been the friendliest, or best looking guy, but we understood each other and he was good at his job.

So I wandered out, completely lost, as I had set my heart on a fucking sandwich. Thought about fried chicken, pizza, Mc Donald's... nah. Wandered around, until I found myself walking down Broadway towards where a great halal truck is usually parked. EUREKA!

...except it was gone! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I wound up in a totally mediocre deli, the subject of some greasy looking fat guy's attempts at seduction. Totally meh sandwich. But, they have UTZ chips, which my place doesn't. Score one for them... as well as not having to be ignored.

Bah, the one thing I was going to miss around here will no longer be missed. Guess it's all for the best, then.

As far as the painting goes, I had so much rage and angst directed at it, I wound up tearing it to shreds. Oooops ;-) I plan on redoing it, and making it a female version. A self portrait. Atlassie... HAHAHAHA I crack myself up! 

Free at Last, Free at Last... Thank Thor Almighty... (you get the idea)

Fuckhead finally gave me the go ahead to "suspend" my "efforts" today. Sweet hallelujah, I was wondering how much longer he'd string me along for. Now, I can finish the painting the way I want to, without concerning myself with refined palettes and all that. As a result, what I've got so far is exuberantly bursting with color. I'll post a picture when it's done. Once that's done, I can begin working on my crow skull again, which has been lurking unfinished for months now.

I've got such a love/hate relationship with visual art lately, and I think part of it is because it feels like work, to get everything set up and cleaned up and what not... but when I'm actually painting, I'm in an entirely different dimension and nothing else matters. It's just that starting is a hurdle for me. I've also realized very, very recently that painting is what I've set out to do- I'm good at it, and people like my work, so I need to make more of an effort to make money off it.

...I was gonna write more, but my head is too foggy. Bah. 

Don't need 1,000 words or a picture...

...I'm pretty sure this page from my sketchbook sums up the phone conversation nicely.

What the man needs right now is not an artist- he needs a psychic medium and some serious drugs. Also, some therapy wouldn't hurt. He is currently "thinking about" some icon varieties I sent him- OH BY THE WAY, ICONS ARE FOR THE GRAPHIC DESIGNER TO CREATE, YOU NIT WIT. Not me. Icons are for repeated use, not to be included in the physical body of the art work. If he still insists on me creating them, I will create each one separately and photoshop them in later... so they can be sent to the graphic designer for future use. ARGH THE MAN IS A SHIT FOR BRAINS! Up until this point, I didn't really care what I was gonna get paid for all this. Now? I am fucking earning that pay. And that pay better be fucking good.  

Are you kidding me? You must be kidding me.

Unfortunately, he did, in fact, contact me. Well, maybe not unfortunately, there may be a pot of gold at the end of this skidmarked rainbow yet, but I'm not holding my breath. And let me tell you, the journey there stinks to high heaven. He told me to call him TOMORROW. AT 11AM. The man who bitched and whined that nothing was finished yet, for whatever reason could not just tell me what he wants to do via email TODAY. So while I COULD have a finished fucking painting for him right now, HE chose to delay it.

He must be fucking demented. There is no other way. At the very least, I get the impression he may be bipolar. He definitely seems to suffer from mood swings. So today I did jack all in the way of work for him, and did what I wanted to do instead. I began to finish a tank top present for someone, and I'm gonna start work on an Echo Flowers shawl for her mom soon. I made an incredible tortellini salad for dinner, and now I'm idly blogging, playing some silly farming game, and knitting. Totally not even gonna let this get under my skin anymore. I'm doing the best I can- his issues, attitude problems, mood swings, whatever- these are not my problems, I am not the cause of them, and they needn't concern me. His decision to cram everything in at the last minute is also not my fault. Speaking of which, I wonder if he's even got a web designer at this point. There's really no point in getting all het up about whether or not the art work is finished when there's no website and no one to even put it on the website, right? Forget having all his ducks in a row, I don't think the man even knows where half his goddamn ducks are.

I knew I was taking a risk when I responded to a CL ad... and I accept responsibility for that. But at this point, I'm just gonna watch it unfold with a kind of detached curiosity. I'm on the outskirts of whatever circus he's putting together anyway, though he claims the art is the most important thing. I'm interested in seeing what happens, but I'm not investing any more of myself in it. I'm sure I'll have a most exciting update tomorrow... *rolls eyes*

Take a fucking chill pill, you crack head!

Mr Founder got WAY too snippy for his own good today. Ok, so you waited until the LAST POSSIBLE fucking minute to find someone to create art for your company... because apparently, you think art just springs forth from an artist's head, much like Athena from Zeus... and now that we've been in touch for a little over a week, you think I should have magically created something that you're in love with already- with only your entirely schizophrenic pointers (OLD MASTERS! CHIAROSCURO! oh look at this cartoon, it's fucking magnificent! Look at this website, they use photography!) to guide me? Reality check, tardface: Art is work, just like everything else. It does not magically happen instantaneously. I have yet to meet an artist that makes that happen... you know why? BECAUSE IT DOESN'T. He did apologize, but although I have given him the benefit of the doubt, I am not convinced he was sincere.

Slightly Condensed Version of Email Exchange:

Me: I've been working on some logo ideas in addition to everything else, here they are!

Him: Too much like the old playboy bunny logo. (Author's note- that's a coincidence, I don't even know what the old logo looks like) If you're still interested in working on this, and I'm not seeing that, work on the homepage.

Me: OK, no worries. They were just ideas.

Me again, after some stewing: Also, rest assured, if you're implying I'm not still interested, you're dead wrong. I am doing all I can to tackle the challenge. If my style doesn't suit you, I'm sure you'll find someone else whose style does.

Him: It's been a week. If you're still interested, then how come... you finish the sentence.

Me, now FRIGHTFULLY enraged to the point my TOES were tingling. (Yes, my toes- I thought they were going burst into flames): It has been FIVE DAYS of me brainstorming, gathering references for the drawings, sketching ideas, discarding ideas, creating new ideas and finalizing ideas, all based on your schizophrenic ideas of what you want. Art does not magically happen, it is work like everything else and takes time. ( I did not point out the obvious, which is that OH BY THE WAY I ALSO HAVE THINGS TO DO LIKE WORK TO PAY MY FUCKING RENT YOU FUCKING ASS HAT)

So he apologized, and I told him where I was on the piece and that I'd send him a picture of the drawing when it was done, so I could edit things based on his opinion before I painted it. I did, and I have not heard back. I can only assume that he is either sulking, or has decided to try and find himself a magician and so I'll never hear from him again. Either way, my fella thinks he's probably delusional, and I am tending to agree here. My fella is actually skeptical as to whether or not the guy is actually going through with creating the company, despite the guy's connections and previous work history. I'm beginning to think he's just an old crackhead with money to burn. One thing is for goddamn sure though: I will not tolerate passive aggressive implications about my work ethic or my intentions- if I weren't fucking interested, I wouldn't be wasting my time or his! And I can certainly make myself not interested and unavailable, if he'd like to keep making insinuations about my work ethic or my intentions. Wouldn't be hard at all :-P

I will assume, upon waking tomorrow, that if I haven't heard from him, I won't hear from him again. And I will be ok with that. That beautiful pie in the sky dream where I was able to afford my own painting studio was really nice while it lasted. And it reaffirmed what I want in life, so at least I've gotten something out of this. The drawing I did will stand beautifully on it's own, once I erase the icons, and it'll be something nice to add to my portfolio. And Mr. Crackhead can go jerk himself off on a desert island, or do whatever it is he schemes up next, and I won't be bothered one bit <3<3<3

Ain't Nobody Got Time For That!

Pretty proud of myself right now. I went from being completely numb and paralyzed, mentally (NO, a good night's sleep did NOT help, and I woke up tired and completely unrefreshed) to unkinked and ready to move forward. Seriously, I felt fucking lobotomized. I figured out why, though: For the first time, my mind did preemptively what it usually does defensively in reaction to a traumatic experience. Because I saw only two outcomes, both resulting in pain, my mind immediately created a barrier to protect me. I could not access my previous feelings, thoughts, etc on the subject because my mind believed that going forward would only result in a negative outcome. (Jeez, the mind is a powerful thing, isn't it?)

The only thing I could do, then, was to allow myself to envision a third outcome- that of a happy, smiling, successful me, radiant and doing what I love to do best. In doing so, I was able to go right past that stupid wall and leave all previous thoughts and feelings behind- I am starting over with this mentally, with fresh eyes and a fresh mind, and focusing solely on the best possible outcome. I cannot even allow myself to think of what happens IF I am not successful- there is no if, only do. Do or do not, there is no try, and all that.

The rest of tonight will be spent re-assessing the categories themselves, and disregarding previous ideas completely. Tomorrow I will email Mr. Founder with all new ideas and my latest sketch.

Fuck's sake girl, have some confidence in yourself. You are capable of great things. You are MEANT for great things, and you will accomplish great things, whether willingly or kicking and screaming. Pick that chin up and enjoy the fucking ride already! 

Goo, Compressed

That's what I feel like right now... roughly like a dense, cube shaped, quivering booger. I expressed that I may not be able to WOW Mr. Founder of the Company today, to him via email. He had just seen the sketch I did yesterday, and assured me I most certainly could, I was on the right track, and he knows I can do this. Furthermore, if I'm successful, he's gonna tie me in as CREATIVE DIRECTOR.

Hold up, I'm not celebrating that! Here are the two possible outcomes: I don't get it, because someone swoops in at the last minute and outshines me like platinum to tin, and I suffer the mildly burning sting of rejection and the overwhelming feeling that I'll never be good enough, ever. (It's ok, wouldn't be the first time.) I would have more work to put up on my online portfolio though, so there's that. The second scenario: I succeed, and I get a job I am SO NOT QUALIFIED for.

Either way, I feel like I'm being tested. Very, very harshly. My dream of having a gig that paid well and only required me to create artwork for the site every two weeks has suddenly gone up in smoke. All day, my adrenal glands have been reminding me of their presence. Mentally, I've been completely paralyzed by the scenarios before me. I cannot afford, right now, not to try my best... but can I afford to accept a job that I am not sure I am capable of performing well?

Unless I can somehow break this mental paralysis, I'm not going to have ANY chance at succeeding. I barely managed to get out a rough sketch today- not of the bridge that I said I'd do yesterday, but of a spin on Atlas bearing the heavens. (Many thanks to Ah-nold for being so fabulously ripped in his youth, and serving as my reference.) Of course, it didn't help that my fella somehow managed to rip a contact lens while it was in his eye, and so I had to bring his glasses to him at work... which completely sucked two hours out of the middle of my day, and made it even harder to focus myself. Fuck's sake, I'm finding it hard to even put words together here. And I don't want to drink more caffeine, I'm jittery enough as it is.

I just need to push through this. I'm sure a good night's sleep will help. I need to ignore everything else and just get into a tunnel vision like state, focused solely on creating art. Everything else around it and after can suck a big ol' bull dick at the moment. (Bull dicks are stupidly placed on their bodies, if you ask me. But still, all these distractions can go suck merrily away.)

Breathing needs to happen too. Herbal tea... yes, some sugarless, herbal tea will make me feel better. Off to go root around in my tea cabinet, I'm sure I've got something. Aw fuck it, I might just take some Xanax later too. This is heavy duty stuff, man!

One done, two to go...

Well, I've got one drawing done. I chose a still life for this one, with an item representing each category. It took quite a while to get this situated- cutting out small sketches of each object yesterday and shifting them around on top of some blank paper until I was happy with the general arrangement, then there were proportion and scale issues, then there were things swapped out for other things, then I realized I'd have to get REALLY creative if I was going to fit everything in, so some things became two dimensional things in a two dimensional drawing of three dimensional things. I'll add the words in Photoshop once it's painted.

Tomorrow's drawing will be something my soul sister suggested, which was the classic macro shot of the Brooklyn Bridge. Well, she just suggested abstract architectural themes in general, but included a great photo. Although, come to think of it, maybe I don't want to be- wait, no, fuck it. It's a NYC based company, I'm NYC based, the bridge is an icon, and NYC fucking rules. Never mind, then. It's a go :-P The jury is still out on what the third image will be, but it's alright, I've got a little time. And inspiration strikes in the oddest places, as I discovered this morning...

So there I was, sitting on the loo this morning with the door open (one of the cats always opens it anyway, if I have the nerve to shut it!) and I'm sleepily staring at the kitchen counter whilst I do my business. As my eye drifts over the mug tree and the cutlery stand, KABLAMMO! I found the perfect inspiration for the company's logo. The mug tree's crossed metal branches made a neat W, and the arch and spine of the cutlery stand (with some artistic liberties taken) make a complimentary P to the aforementioned W.

I am still prepared for him to reject everything ever. But I don't imagine it'll hurt too much... I've got my fucking groove back, bitches!

Hope Springs Eternal...

So I met with the founder of this company the other day... and all my initial nervousness immediately vanished. I can think of a couple reasons why he might have sat there with the brim of his baseball hat pulled so low that I could barely see his face, let alone make eye contact while talking, but none of them seem valid enough. (Perhaps he's more high profile than I realize and doesn't want attention? Perhaps he was hiding from someone? Perhaps he's self conscious? Or maybe he just wanted to stare at my tits, but none of these reasons make sense to me. Well, I understand wanting to look at my tits, I have a very nice rack, but come on, my good man! Everything in moderation!) I don't know what his reason was, maybe he didn't realize how he appeared (I DOUBT IT) but no matter the reason, it came off as extremely fucking rude.

Anyhow, the door of this opportunity is WIIIIIDE open. He informed me that he's not talking to anyone about art, that all the work people have submitted has been "bullshit and crap", so it appears that since he's talking to me all I have to do is dazzle him a little and I'm in. I'm going to submit three finished pieces to him, and so far I've got one idea solidified and roughly sketched out. Haven't decided on the other two yet, but knowing that he wants the links to the various pages on the site integrated into the artwork has made things slightly more, um, interesting. There's also the logo to consider. He mentioned initials, so that makes it a little easier, but still, I'm not terribly oriented towards logo creation- I'm not a graphic designer! But, if there are any problems I know I'm good at solving, they are art problems, so I've just got to keep brainstorming and something will come out. I have faith.

I also have faith that one day I'll have a real job. I interviewed with two lovely ladies today about working for a hand painted greeting card company- the location is a magical penthouse location (Alice Cooper's old place, as a matter of fact!) and it's full of glass and sunlight and happiness- some guy sitting in an office gave me a big happy grin as I walked by. I would SO LOVE to work there... but I'm not getting my hopes up. Although it was my third interview, and third time's supposed to be a charm and all that... but still. *sigh* They even do some gardening out on the roof top, with cherry tomatoes! What's not to love?! If it's meant to be, it'll be, but if not, for whatever reason, I know it'll be because something else needed that space instead. I really did not expect it to be a sort of dream job for me though, goddamn.

I should probably get back to work. I don't have much time to get these sketches done, and I want to have all three done by Sunday. Next Sunday, they will all be finished pieces. Something tells me though, that I'm gonna be way ahead of this guy. He hasn't even decided on president/ vice president of the company, let alone a web designer. I see a lot of caffeine and grumbling in my future...

OH MY FEATHERS!!!!!!

They are ruffled, but in a REALLY REALLY REALLY GOOD WAY.

If this blindingly bright light is another train, it'll probably knock me out for good, but fuck it, I will go down in a pyrotechnic blaze of fucking glory!

Without trying very hard at all, I've somehow landed myself a killer awesome painting assistant position (unpaid- not something I'd usually go for, but for some reason this clicked with me and I responded to the ad. Mostly because he's within walking distance, so it's not like I have to spend money to get there.) Not only am I glad I did, but my horoscope, oddly enough, agreed. The guy is cool as fuck, talented as fuck, and will be a great mentor to me. Not to mention great for setting up connections and networking and blah blah blah. AND he mentioned paying me for modeling somewhere down the line. WIN.

That, as sweet as it is, is just the cherry on my cake of fluffy hopes and dreams. The cake itself? Well, WELL.

WELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I talked to the guy from the luxury internet start up thingy, yadda yadda... Seems out of 2000 applicants or so, I'm one of 5- yes, FIVE- artists they're interested in potentially working with. Out of that 2000, some were established artists working for big name brands. And yet, lil' ol' me, who famously said I'd never fucking paint again once I quit school, is one of five top contenders. Should I land the prize of being THE artist for the site, I am gonna be in the land of milk and honey. Even if I'm not THE artist? It's more than likely I'll get equity in the firm, which he said would be around .5%- once they sell the company in 2-3 years, that'll net about $500,000- conservatively. CONSERVATIVELY.

So off I go to brainstorm and sketch and sometime this week, I will set up an appointment to sit down for coffee with Mr BigWig (who happens to be quite established and important- I looked him up as per his suggestion on LinkedIn) and I will get a better sense of what I need to tailor my work to. Should I land it, the work on the website will be changed every two weeks or so, and I will be kept busy with that. THRILLINGLY BUSY.

I am going to work harder than I've ever worked in my life for this. I need this like I need to eat, sleep, and breathe. I don't know who or what I'm up against in the other artists, so I will need to make damn sure I am creating the most unbearably beautiful work of my entire life. It must be heart stoppingly good, and it has to be done fast- they want to launch in September. I know I am capable, but I know I have to be very, very disciplined about translating from my brain and eyes to my hands and heart. I have nothing to lose- absolutely nothing to lose, not even a sense of pride at this point- and absolutely everything to gain. Fingers crossed!

The light at the end of the tunnel...

...was a train. And it ran me over. But somehow, I survived, and here I am, still going through the tunnel.

Had an interview today, have another one tomorrow. I'd be happy with either job, to be honest, although the one I interviewed for today would pay significantly more. I've also got a phone interview with someone this week about possibly doing some art work (oil painting) for some luxury brand website whose clients are mostly really really rich men. I submitted a few samples of my work- they specified that they wanted someone who could paint in the style of the old masters, so I selected my best classical type pieces and crossed my fingers. Apparently, they think I'm good enough to consider, so there's at least that!

Somehow, without trying, I've managed to lose some weight recently too. About 4 pounds, but fuck it that's better than nothing. I suspect that once I have a job again and I'm doing more than sitting around being disgruntled all day, I'll lose even more.

After 7 fucking years of convincing myself that I couldn't work an on the books job because of my student loan debt, I'm finding it awfully hard to be patient now. The shady, potentially dangerous, and sometimes illegal shit I've had to do to get by is really wearing on me now. I just want to be somewhat normal again, is that too much to ask?