I will stop learning when I am dead. And even then, who knows?

There is much to learn about everything, and I am like a sponge when it comes to things I am curious about. In the last 24 hours, I learned how to Andean ply (to make a two ply yarn from one single using a bracelet type of winding on one's wrist), how to rig a quick gizmo involving a disposable cup and knitting needles so you DON'T have to use your wrist for the aforementioned plying, how to spin yarn from torn strips of fabric (I foresee some lovely cat beds in the not too distant future!),  how to Navajo ply on a drop spindle (also known as chain plying, and perfect for the cobweb weight cashmere I've got literally about a mile of), what an Indian charkha is and what it's good for, and how to make a really cheap lazy kate for my plying activities.

I also like to plumb the depths of my mind from time to time to figure out why I am the way I am, why I feel the way I do, why I react to certain things the way I do, etc. I think that there's always more to learn about oneself, especially when one has lived a life like mine. I've made really excellent progress over the last few years, I think in part because I was introduced to certain Zen teachings. I can't for the life of me remember the guy's name at the moment, but I watched a ton of his videos and while I was initially confused, I eventually caught on and was able to use his techniques on myself. Basically, the premise is that you are like a very multifaceted diamond, or a corporation with many, many employees- and all of your employees are important and valid. Your employees might include happy you, angry you, the sad teenager, etc. Sometimes, one of your employees will request a meeting with you, and you will see them in yourself over and over again until you confront them and let them speak. Sounds somewhat schizophrenic, or like some kind of multiple personality disorder bullshit, I know- but it works for me.

Anyhow, lately, the part of me known as the Stunted Child has been rearing her head. I let her have her say- in fact, I wrote it all down. Warrior Woman makes an appearance towards the end. I'm going to share it here, for future reference, and because it might help someone who can identify with it, if there's anyone out there who can. I'm not putting the original here, because it needs editing, so I'm just going to edit as I go.

I AM THE STUNTED CHILD.

Great bars of darkness and sadness and hard feelings and silence enclose me tightly, preventing me from growing. There are things I know not to talk about, and this includes my feelings of fear and isolation and incredible insecurity.

I know real darkness, and real things to be really afraid of beyond the things that keep me in my cage, but somewhere along the way, the lines and boundaries have blurred and shifted, and everything is a potential threat. I do not have a loving, stable foundation. Nothing is solid under me, or behind me. No reassurance is ever given. Everything seems forever conditional, including the love of family. Will I always be loved? Am I worthy of love? Was I ever loved? Over and over again, in self defense, to save myself from more inevitable hurt, I conclude NO.

My mother is beaten and abused violently in front of me, often. I am taken from her. I am given to someone cruel and manipulative. I cannot gauge how much dignity, self respect, or self love my mother had while she was being abused, or if she had any pride left at all. She had enabled her abuser with alcohol, while trying to drink away her own sorrows and shortcomings. But I do know that I did not start out with much dignity or pride, and I had no notions of self respect or self love. My guardian is a person who does not deserve the title, and takes great delight and advantage of this. While it is routinely beaten into me to take pride in my schoolwork so as to keep up the outward appearance of a well adjusted, intelligent child, it is routinely beaten out of me at home that I should have any kind of pride in myself for achieving anything.

At first alone by cautiousness and the inevitable fences that abuse forms around a damaged kid, I am later actually isolated in some ill guided, cruel attempts at "discipline." Therefore, I have no map outside the home to study normal social behaviors, and I am certainly not learning them within my home. All I am taught is that I am bad and wrong and I should be ashamed of my very existence. While I know deep down that my abuser is bad and wrong, I also know that I am powerless to change or end the relationship for the time being. I come to the conclusion that the only way to change the status quo is to die.

My attempt fails. It would be a Pyrrhic victory otherwise;  my abuser does not know and is probably incapable of knowing that she has done anything wrong. In order to step out of the role of whipping boy, I have cut off all contact with her. But although it would seem she is now powerless over me, this is not true. The effects of her words and actions have traveled far into the future, over my head and sprawling in front of me even now, in a slowly diminishing, yet sadly still thick fog. I am unaware and unconcerned with whether or not she knows this; my main concern is to navigate out of this wretched haze as unscathed as possible.

Somehow, I have a strong sense of self preservation, some deep seated primal instinct to survive and adapt by all means necessary, despite my singular attempt to throw it all away. I was thrown into a hole; I fell deeper and deeper down the hole. While I was capable of finding beauty in the ugliness and contentment among the misery, I was still falling down. I looked into the heart of darkness and found something positive, but it was only a function of self preservation. Out of negativity and cruelty and madness I build my steps out of the abyss. I am the stunted child who was never fed enough love or stability to grow properly, but I am also the warrior woman who is climbing swiftly out of the deepest recesses of despair with a sword in my hand and a fire in my heart. I am finding peace, but I will never be afraid to fight for what's right.

I will never be ashamed or afraid to defend myself; indeed I will make sure I am always someone worth defending. The stunted child will always be a part of me, but now she knows she is loved and accepted for who she is. Unconditionally and forever, she has a home in my heart and she is perfect in her role. She doesn't need to be anything other than the stunted child. As she is, she has taught me empathy and compassion and to find peace and stillness among whirlwinds of fear and darkness.

She is still largely unsupported by anyone but me though. And that's ok. If someone chooses not to accept her for what she is, they will never meet her. If they choose not to believe in her, they will never see her. But when she needs to speak, I will let her. Even if no one else does, I respect her for who she is. 

HOLY SHIT. I won the yarn lottery!

So I like to look through the "free" section on CL occasionally, just to see what's out there... and generally, it's nothing but things that don't interest me. Baby clothes, old pallets, etc. But today, someone was advertising free yarn... someone in the next neighborhood over. Totally within walking distance. Not only that... but they were SPOOLS of yarn, big quantities, used for machine knitting (but also totally usable for hand knitting.) NOT ONLY THAT, but they are natural fibers- some merino, some wool crepe, a bunch of an odd mercerized cotton that feels like linen, AND TWO GIGANTIC SPOOLS OF BEAUTIFUL CASHMERE. There is some silk in there, two cones of some interesting sleek black rayon, and I can't even remember the rest. At least $1000 worth of yarn, for free- and so much that I had to take a cab home.

It's probably more yarn than I can knit or crochet with in my lifetime, but that's not going to stop me from trying to knit it all within the next few months. No sirree bob, this is a challenge I will not be backing down from! By September, I bet I will have made a SIZEABLE dent. Yes. YES YES YES. My fella is getting a sweater, another hat, and some gloves. I am getting a skirt, probably out of the rayon. And there is going to be so much left over, I can't even! YESSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Ohhhhh this WEATHER! *shakes fist*

I would like to blame my sudden lack of motivation for EVERYTHING on this shit weather we've been having lately, but honestly, endless rain takes a while to get to me. It's got to be gray for about a week straight before I start losing my shit, so to be very honest with myself it's a horrible lack of sleep on my part. Being tired all the time means I don't walk or do much of anything productive, although the bit of crankiness I've been feeling spurred me to get on top of the housework. There are various reasons for my recent lack of sleep, everything from Groucho being needy to me being stupid and drinking too much tea before bed. I haven't gained back any of the weight I've lost though, so at least there's that.

One of the things I really need to get on top of is hammering out a final version of the ski masks from Breaking Bad. It's totally easy money and the buyers are waiting, but I'm having difficulty figuring certain parts out as none of the (very few!) photos on the internet are clear enough for me to reverse engineer stitch counts for decreases and the like. I've almost got it though, but I need to buy a set of size 10 DPNs to finish it properly. I've also got to get the correct contrasting colors for the masks- they are very specific shades of red and green and I'm hell bent on making them look authentic. That'll be on my to do list for tomorrow. I should probably also just make myself walk tomorrow. I need to start doing ab exercises again too. I want to get down to at least 180 by my birthday in July. It's more than doable, if I put my head to it. I really just need to make myself do it- once I start, the rest is easy.

In the interest of trying to get a good night's sleep for once, I am cutting my babbling short. Good bye computer, good bye internet... sleep awaits me! 

I FUCKING DID IT.

With days to spare, I smashed my goal of 100 miles from April 5 to May 3rd, and walked 102.1 miles in 23 days. Not only that, but I'm capable of walking 16-17 minute miles. Some people can barely jog a 16 minute mile! Granted, that's still pushing myself, but to know I'm capable is pretty fucking rad. I've got to start doing other exercises, and I've been planning and implementing better, more serious changes to my diet, so I'm pretty excited to see the changes in the hopefully not too distant future. It's all about eating clean for me, so to speak- I know that's a trendy catchphrase now, but for me it's a little different because I was a REALLY "dirty" eater. I'm trying to eat more roastable veggies (NOTHING thrills me quite like roasted brussels sprouts or asparagus!) and while I'd love to go crazy on berries, I'm a little too poor at the moment. Portion control is becoming a thing now, too. Like, what the hell self, you're putting half an avocado back in the fridge? You've still got sprouts left? WHO ARE YOU.

Anyhow, the point is that I feel I've got more tools and plot points to help me reach my goals now. I'm also becoming more aware of how my mentality affects my eating. Today, while grumpily sewing an elephant ear on to a stuffed toy I knit for a commission, I got really frustrated and instantly, my body translated that to HUNGRY SO HUNGRY, hey, you know what? EAT SOMETHING DELICIOUS AND BAD FOR YOU and you'll feel better! Maybe it's a really perverted form of masochism- I'm mad at myself for not being very good at sewing on some level, so my head wants to punish me with something that isn't good for me, but I'll like, therefore wanting more of, therefore punishing me more. I'm still in self destruct mode every now and then, so I've got to catch it as it's happening and re-link my mental processes to more healthy things.

No shit man, if you took the me from a year ago and time traveled her to the me now, she'd laugh at you and say it wasn't gonna be her, ever. I'm literally a different person now... it's insane.

Making real progress again.

Finally overcame whatever hurdle I had in front of me, and I'm down 5 real pounds now. I created a route that I really love walking- it's 5.45 miles and it's got just enough twists and turns to keep me happy. I'm pretty sure if I keep walking it every day like I've been, the pounds will start melting off. It's also becoming clear that I'm going to smash my goal of walking 100 miles between April 5th and May 3rd. I've only got 14 miles to go, and 8 days left. That means to meet the goal, I'd need to do just 1.75 miles a day. PSHAWWW, that's small potatoes now ;-)

I've also started doing some core exercises as of this afternoon. I found this quick two minute workout, which, when you look at the perky blonde doing them, you think they must be effortless. HA HA HA, nope. You see, there's this thing called GRAVITY, and when you actually get down into planking position to start the routine, you realize right away that it's no piece of cake. It's more like rocks in your half baked plain potato. I felt SO HEAVY  trying to do those moves, but I think with practice, in a few weeks I should pretty much be comfortable with them, although I doubt they'll be easy. I should really get myself a yoga mat for things like this.

My only other thing is... well, I need to get better with food. I've been very generous with calories, knowing that I burn a lot on my walks, but still, eating a few less calories wouldn't hurt one bit. (Says the girl who practically begged her boyfriend for Domino's new specialty chicken pizza for dinner tonight... it's pizza, but instead of bread, it's on fried chicken tenders. OMFG SO DELICIOUS. fuck.)

In other news, I did some planting the other night. Beefsteak tomatoes, cherry tomatoes, cucumbers, and sweet peas, all to be grown in containers. Also planted some Gala apple seeds, and plan to do some radishes as soon as I get a good container for them. I probably won't be growing out apple trees in my apartment, but I know people with yards who'd want them :-P It'll be a bit of a challenge to grow these things to fruition inside, but I'll make it work this time, now that I have more space.

Ok, I've got some knitting to do now, so off I go. 

HOLY filet of fuck.

Just completed a 6.27 mile walk. It was totally awesome and all, and my speed has improved to just under 20 minutes a mile, but HOLY FUCKING PANTS SEAMS. Usually, the places that I'd be bothered by chafing are around my nether regions, and thankfully, that hasn't been an issue so far. But today? From my knees up, on the inside of my thighs, a big red rashy looking thing has appeared. Of course I put lotion on when I got home, but I should have gone straight for the A+D because this shit was HARSH. I've gotta get myself some workout gear that doesn't have inner thigh seams or something.

I'm really proud of how much of a difference I feel now, physically. It used to be that I'd struggle up that long hill on Grandview, now I zip up it. Even at the tail end of a 6.27 mile walk! And although I think my tendinitis issue has largely disappeared because I got new sneakers, I think it's also got something to do with the fact that every single day, I've pushed myself to work through whatever issues have been plaguing me. Changing the scenery helps a lot for me- today, I walked up to Juniper Valley Park, which is gorgeous and huge, and I am totally looking forward to spending time there this summer. Although I don't think it's wise for me to do such long walks every day, I'm totally ok with amending my route to be shorter, but still include that park. Another sweet thing about my walk is that about 3/5 of the way through, there's a KMart with a bathroom. I pray they never close that KMart as long as I'm here... I try to completely drain myself before going out, but sometimes, it creeps up on me.

So now I've just eaten dinner and I'm completely knackered at 10:37pm, but I'm ok with that. I like the idea of getting up earlier and going to bed earlier. It feels better for some reason, whereas before I ranged  anywhere from semi nocturnal to completely nocturnal to just plain old "what the fuck?!" Stability isn't something I've had much of in my adult life- in fact, I've mostly rejected it because I had far too much growing up (well, from 6+ anyway). But now, the idea of stability in certain areas is pretty appealing.

I'm just gonna end this now, before I start rambling. Good night!

Getting STRONGER!

So last week, while dog sitting, I managed to clock in 30.14 miles altogether of walking. I resisted the urge to be a lazy motherfucker and sit in that gloriously comfy recliner all day long. I did not, however, keep up with the dieting aspect of the mission, but that's ok. I didn't gain any weight, and while I didn't lose any, there's a visible difference in my body already- my sister remarked that my stomach looked smaller. I can see my cheekbones again, and I feel a fuck ton stronger. And as of this morning, I'm still 194 lbs! I can't wait to see what I look like at 184 lbs. My goal is at least 4 miles a day. Today, I rang up 5.91 miles! 1.81 of those miles were running errands, but every little bit counts. The workout was a little rough towards the end though... I started with a headache, which progressed into a stomachache, which eventually by the end presented itself as wanting to puke, but I just kept thinking about not being fat, and I fucking made it. I felt so victorious afterwards.

At any rate, puking is better than shitting. What do I mean, you say? HA! Well, once upon a time... er... well, let's just say this: Never underestimate the power of fiber gummies, decide you need to try all the flavors, and then decide to go for a walk. You're gonna have a bad time. Fortunately, I was in the woods and no one was around, so I was able to dash like a mountain goat over some treacherous mud puddles and rocks, position myself behind a large pile of dirt and rocks, and just let go. LESSON SO LEARNED. (And in case you're wondering, yes, ALL THE FLAVORS are delicious :-P)

Speaking of lessons learned, I was just thinking the other day about the reasons for starting this blog. I had been thinking about it for a while, as I was getting back into spiritual research at the time (hence the name- Cerridwen is my patron goddess. I still get an electric charge when I manifest her name), and I also wanted a place to document the growth of my plants. I just didn't really get around to doing it until I NEEDED a semi public place to vent out my feelings of anger and frustration regarding a certain situation I had been through- I needed a place to react, where I knew I would be heard. Normally, I would have gotten over it and deleted any negativity I had created- but looking back, my feelings were completely valid, and to delete something I had expressed would be to deny the validity of my feelings. From there, though, pretty cool shit happened within me. It's funny, I've got this... I don't want to say disorder, but it's definitely SOMETHING, named or not- well, whatever it is, the symptom is that I often react to negativity by becoming incredibly focused on positivity and creating something beautiful. So I knit, paint, draw, garden, etc. Time and again, when I feel like someone else has pointed some kind of negativity at me, I react by exploding into bloom. Because I know that whatever negativity they have going on in their heads, whatever sadness, self loathing, pain, despair, etc that they're projecting, it has nothing to do with me. Come to think of it, it might even be a defense mechanism for me, to create light in the face of darkness. It only seems to work when it comes from the outside though.  I've been through my own darkness and despair time and again- I've been suicidal, I've been beyond suicidal into the pit of complete and utter apathy. I've hit rock bottom, hard. I tried drinking my problems away, tried to forget about my life with copious amounts of alcohol and indiscriminate sexual encounters. It wasn't until the past few months that I decided enough was enough. Sometimes, for me to make a change in my life, or to get passionate about something, it has to stew within me for whatever length of time it needs to grow roots. Sometimes it's years, sometimes it's hours. Sometimes, something that took years resolves itself in a matter of minutes- "I'm gonna do it RIGHT NOW!" and then it's done.

Oh jeez, I'm losing my train of thought here. It's fucking hard to hear myself think with music and talking. Plus, I'm exhausted. Gonna take a shower and sleep like a baby. The conclusion of whatever I just said up there is that right now, I'm in a really good, exciting place in my life, and it's because I decided to pull up my britches and go there. I did it because I knew it would be worth it, and because I know I am fucking worth it. I don't think I've been this optimistic since I was a naive teenager, and I've certainly never been this determined, confident, or motivated in my life. Motivation is a funny thing for me... it seems to live by it's own rules, and when it decides to grace me with it's presence, I am blessed. Otherwise, it seems I'm fumbling around for a light switch that's ten feet above my head in the dark. It seems though, that it's perfectly possible to keep around once you have it. If something is worth wanting, it's worth working for. Never lose sight of the goals you've made. I feel as though the 60 pounds I've gained since moving to Harlem the day my mother died in 2008 are symbolic of the darkness and emotional baggage I've been carrying around. As I shed them, I shed my past, and I am no longer chained to that darkness. I was so comfortable in that darkness, in my own skin, in the extra layers of fat that I maybe subconsciously felt protected me somehow. Since I started to reject that darkness and sadness, and the feelings I had of being crushed by helplessness, I started to become uncomfortable, physically in my skin. It doesn't surprise me that the two are related. I could no longer be comfortable going around in the same lazy, unhealthy & complacent circles, day after day, whether the ground I was treading was mental or physical.

I don't need those layers of  extra flesh anymore. I'm strong enough and confident enough to live in the light now. I will not hide in the darkness anymore, because I am worthy of living the beautiful life I'm more than willing to create for myself. I have nothing to hide. I am who I am, and that's it. Nothing more, nothing less, and it's nothing short of exactly who and what I need to be. I am done apologizing for my existence, I am done feeling unworthy, I am done feeling guilty for not measuring up to someone  else's standards of who I should be. To be the best kind of person I can be- this is my mission in life, and I'm not afraid of the inevitable mistakes and lessons I will experience along the way.

This is all me figuring shit out. No therapist, no friends giving me advice, because no one knows me like I do. I find that when I am most honest with myself, even if I see myself in a less than flattering light, it's still light and it illuminates questions and answers and mysteries.

Ok, I'm falling into a mental quagmire (giggity!) now, and I really need a shower and sleep so...bye!