Another Pound Bites the Dust...

...and another one, gone, and another one gone... and I'm down to 169 now, woo! Took a little longer than I would have liked, as I don't poop as much as I used to. But I definitely did a happy dance! And my thighs, holy shit. Three weeks of lunges and I'm starting to see actual muscle definition in my quads. I'm going much harder on my arms now too, so hopefully in a few weeks, I'll see real change there too.

We went to go see the Murder Junkies play last night, as it's probably the last chance to see them, period. It was weird, because we didn't know anyone there except for a guitarist friend who played with them for a few songs. We've seen them play before, but those shows were put together by friends, and since at least one of the Murder Junkies + said friends no longer get along, someone else put on the show. The opening act was a decent band called Spewing Cum. Decent as in, they were shit musically, but they were pretty solid as far as punk goes. I think we were both reminded why we never go out anymore, though. It was hot, crowded, and shows just don't entertain either of us like they used to.

That being said, I recently realized I'm not a fan of entertainment, period. I don't want to be entertained. Being entertained denotes sitting on one's ass and watching something, in order to find amusement or distraction from reality. I don't want to be distracted from reality, and I am more than capable of finding my own amusements. Making yarn is an amusement, as is knitting, spinning, dyeing, nail art, etc. I'm so in love with my hobbies and small business that I literally don't want to do anything else! Just think for a minute: when you're on your deathbed, and you look back on how many days of your life are comprised of hours spent sitting on your ass, watching something someone else made- are you gonna feel regret that you didn't spend more time making/doing your own interesting things? I know I'd feel really sore about it.

As far as the nail stuff goes, wow! Already ~140 followers, and I've had this account less than a month. Whoever is in charge of the Sally Hansen (BIG nail products company) Instagram has reached out to me three times, on three separate pictures, I've posted, asking if they could use them. Woo!

Ahhhh... there's an absolutely heavenly breeze wafting through the window right now, clearing out the smell of hamburgers from the apartment. I love that stove top grill, but it does smoke the place up. I'm gonna suggest getting new filters for the range hood, and of course I'm gonna get shot down, until he realizes it actually IS a good idea. Derp derp derp, physics, how do they work... okay, off to do my stupid little instagram ad rating thing. I'm gonna love that check, but ugh, the work is so tedious!

The Gods Will Always Smile On Brave Women

That's what my favorite t-shirt says, and I take it to heart. Bravery isn't easy, or it wouldn't be brave. It's not always fun, and it often involves blood, sweat, and tears. I remind myself of this often when I need to push through fear, depression, fatigue, etc, to reach goals.

There are going to be many hard and scary moments in my immediate future, the life changes I am making make them inevitable. As long as I stay motivated and focused on my goals, I'll reach them one by one. Sometimes I need to bite my tongue, sometimes a tongue lashing is in order. I've learned when each is appropriate over the years, and I have no problem disguising my true feelings if it means getting what I need. (My vagueness here is entirely intentional, by the way.)

I must always remember to be brave though. I'm no longer the scared little girl, cowed into submission by her domineering, abusive aunt. I'm a full grown woman and it's time I take charge of my own life. There is no reason I shouldn't be doing what I want to do, free of constraints. There is no reason I should keep handing authority to other people, no reason I should settle for complacency or half assed contentment when what I really want is still out of reach. I'm not going to be ruled by fear of hurting other people's feelings any longer, when they clearly don't give a shit about mine. I'm not making excuses for myself anymore. If things are slow, I am patient, as long as they are still progressing. I have goals, I have plans to reach those goals, and I am working diligently on them every single day. I will get there. And bless my fuck, it's gonna be glorious when I do. 

BA BAM

172.2 as of this morning (Wednesday, 5/18/16)! I'm so excited, I will probably be back in the 160s by next week. Perhaps even the end of this week!

I revised my workout routine yet again, and added a few more exercises- after cutting a few out. I want to focus more on toning my arms. I was focusing a little too much on exercises that targeted the back and shoulders and didn't realize it. I feel satisfied now that I'm going to make visible progress on my arms soon. My best friend and I are both going for Viking woman arms, as we like to call them. I feel excited about working out again- I don't dread it anymore. Instead, I look forward to pushing myself to grow stronger and more fit and capable with every movement. I've always had a fair bit of muscle (especially in my thighs) but when I was last "thin" (I was never really thin, even with a BMI on the low end of healthy) it was more skinny fat than anything. I've never been in really good shape before. I'm really anticipating seeing what the melting fat reveals, now that I'm building up muscle. I'm especially impatient to get all this fucking belly fat off of me, so fasting every day until dinner has become the norm for me, whether I'm working out or not. Only black coffee or tea and water until dinner. If I'm having difficulty with hunger pangs or whatever (which hasn't really happened yet) there's always chewing gum. Mostly I'm too busy futzing around doing things to get fussed about food much. With food, it's literally "out of sight, out of mind" for me, and if I don't see it, I won't think about it- so I try to avoid places on the internet that will shove food in my face (ads, etc) and I don't watch TV unless I'm eating (never really did anyway). I have an "emergency" bag of oats stashed in the fridge, so if I'm ravenous for whatever reason, or dizzy, or having hunger related issues, I can always whip up some oats really fast and not feel guilty about a million calories. That hasn't happened yet though, so I think this is gonna work out pretty well for me. I've found that I'm much less likely to get hungry during the day if I don't eat in the morning anyway. Apparently there have been athletes and body builders who adopted this diet style of one meal a day, so that clinches it for me. If they could do it, so can I!

I do eat a very balanced,varied diet with lots of meat and veggies, so I'm not overly concerned about vitamin deficiencies at the moment. I might add in a multi vitamin at some point, but unless it becomes necessary, I'm not concerned about it. Hair is great, skin is great, nails are great (despite getting painted all the goddamn time) and as long as everything continues to be great, GREAT! My main concern is really just maintaining a calorie deficit.

I feel like I'm very much in a cocoon right now- I've cut myself off from all except my closest friends and sister, and no one else has seen me or heard from me. I'm not on facebook, not on my regular Instagram except to do my ad rating thing, and I haven't recorded a podcast in months! I'm really just focusing on myself right now, and transforming myself into who I've always wanted to be, while discovering what I'm capable of. Every day is a new excitement when I see I've dropped some weight- and little by little, I'm excitedly watching the changes in my face and body as they transform, finally revealing themselves after being covered up by so much ugly fat for so long. I'm also slowly getting things in motion for the next phase of my yarn shop, so that's transforming too. Everything feels like it's suspended in goo right now, just like the inside of a cocoon, but I know that when I eventually emerge from my self imposed isolation, I'm gonna be sitting on a rock solid foundation of confidence and stability, a foundation I finally built myself. I might be a late as fuck bloomer, but better late than never!

*yawn* ok, it's definitely bed time now. I'm tuckered out. I've been having really vivid, colorful dreams lately, so I'm kinda curious to see what madness I'll fall into tonight. My dreams lately have ranged from hog tying someone, to knocking someone out with a text book, to examining the crotch of an elaborately embroidered, antique Italian theater costume (nope, not gonna touch that one, but the embroidery was lovely!) Fingers crossed for a weight below 172 tomorrow!

FINALLY.

I've been stuck on a weight loss plateau for the last MONTH. I've been hovering between 175 and 177, and FINALLY TODAY I am down to 174. I worked out hard today, kept my calories low, and tomorrow could be even better! I mean, I know it would be better if I could freakin' poop. I haven't been drinking enough water lately and the coffee I've been trying to compensate with isn't helping very much. Everything gets a little messed up when I get my period, though. 

I have the sweetest freakin' nails on right now. They totally remind me of Peggy Bundy and I love them! 

They are so unbelievably glossy and perfect, I could just stare at them allll daaayyy longgg... oh wait, I kind of have been, haha. So much love for these bad girls. I did them as part of an Instagram nail art challenge that I'm really glad I joined. I may matte them tomorrow, just to see what they look like. Still gorgeous, but I'm sure they'll look really cool. I looooove matte nail polish. NOTE TO SELF, THIS ISN'T YOUR NAIL BLOG SO SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR NAILS NOW, KBYE

I don't really have much else to say at the moment, I guess. I just wanted to record my plateau breaking for posterity. Feelin' pretty pleased with myself right now, after feeling very unpleased and frustrated for so long. That being said, I need to change up my routine again. I want to focus on my arms a little more, namely biceps and triceps. I upped the weights on the last sets each of lunges ("goalposts"), what I call seal flippers, and what I call sea gulls, because I can't remember what the exercises are if I write down their actual names on my little chart. My gut looks a bit smaller today, which is nice... it's finally going into the "just sticks out grossly" stage, as opposed to the "hangs down grossly" stage. Progress is motivating me a little bit, not gonna lie. It's keeping me from stuffing my face with what (admittedly, little) there is around here to stuff my face with, and it helped me get through an entire work out today. I am rapidly becoming less and less amorous towards food, and my stomach definitely doesn't fit as much in it anymore, a welcome side effect of intermittent fasting. When we went out for dinner yesterday, I ate half a plate of nachos (no meat, just cheese, guacamole, beans, jalapenos, radishes, and sour cream) which was probably about 700 cals, and then I could only eat half my chicken caesar salad (ate the rest hours later, not because I was very hungry but because caesar salad gets weird after more than 12 hours or so) which was probably about 350 cals, according to my fella. Actually, he tried to tell me the whole salad was 600 but I'm not buying it. It wasn't a huge salad, but still. It was a Mexican rendition of a caesar salad, so no croutons, and surprisingly not heavy on dressing, but there were chips in it. SELF CONTROL AND DISCIPLINE ARE EFFECTIVE DIETING STRATEGIES, WHO WOULD HAVE FUCKING THOUGHT, EH? 

"I don't really have much else to say," said the girl, before she proceeded to ramble on like a honeysuckle vine that takes over the back fences of six yards in a row. I feel like there was something else I was gonna mention, but it seems to have floated off. Guess it wasn't terribly important! Tra la la. Until next time, then. 

Green thumbs + Pretty Nails

So almost everything I planted has sprouted- except the cucumbers and scallions, but that's alright because I planted WAY too many tomatoes, and need the extra pots. Even after thinning the herd and culling some... gahhhhh, I feel more than a little guilty for having to cull some. It's like, "You tried little honey, and I'm sorry you're the weakest of the herd, and it's not your fault I planted too many of you, and you really tried your best but INTO THE TRASH WITH YOU!" I'm pretty sure I apologized to at least some of them as I tossed them, but still. SO GUILTY.

I successfully controlled my appetite and chose to fast until dinner last night, and I was really proud of myself for that. It's essential to get my weight loss back on track sometimes, I just need to really rein myself in on weekends now so I don't need to fast during the week. I'm actually thinking of fasting until dinner every day that I don't work out, unless I have errands and walking around to do, if I can't seem to get myself under control on the weekends. I'm being understanding towards myself in regards to my depression- because when that fog settles on me, I literally just don't fucking care about being good, or motivated, or making positive changes, but I need to make willpower & sensible eating habits that are ingrained in me. That way, regardless of my apathy, it'll be second nature not to want to eat my lack of feelings. I've been struggling to make myself work out lately too, but since I've made that a habit, there's no question that I'm just going to fucking do it, regardless of how little I want to. And... I have to say, I picked up some exterior motivation lately. Serious motivation, although it still hasn't been firing me up as much as I'd like. There's this site I've been hanging out on called Fat People Hate, and I was actually turned on to it by a friend who is literally twice my size, but she said it motivates her so I took a look. It's basically equal parts mocking fat people (even those who are just overweight, known as "smallfats", which I myself am one at the moment!) and a strong backlash against the HAES (Health At Every Size- which is fucking retarded to anyone with a basic knowledge of how human bodies work) and FA (Fat Acceptance) movements. Why, you might ask, are you enjoying a site that mocks people with YOUR VERY OWN body type? Well, for starters, I completely agree that HAES and FA are bullshit, and cop outs for people that don't want to exercise or change their diets- they want science and medicine to change their definitions of healthy, and society to change their standards of beauty, to fit THEM. Fat chance! (pun intended.) For another thing, it reminds me how much I hate my own body, how wrong I know all this excess fat is, and how much work I still need to do to achieve my goals. (But let me just break in here to say that two weeks of doing lunges w/ weights held over my shoulders- think of my arms in a goal post shape- has made a ridiculous difference in my thighs already. They are the devil, and the devil is good. So at least there's that. And also, my stomach is noticeably flatter now, so I have a much nicer bust to waist to hip ratio, and I'm definitely getting more attention for it!) The main motivator though- okay, so one of the mods posts an album of the cream of the crop from the whole FA movement (usually mostly found on tumblr) just about every day, and more often than not, this chick is featured, something about spookyfatbabe or something, and MY GOD I DESPISE HER. Her face is just so fucking punchable, and she's so fucking delusional. She tries WAY too hard to be attractive, probably because she's SO FUCKING FAT. So now every time I pick up the weights, I remind myself that I'm doing it so that I don't ever look like her. I remind myself that people in the FA movement would tell me I don't need to work out, that I should just love my body and be a lazy, fat fuck- and I don't want to be like them, so I need to get my ass in gear. I do have far more discipline than I did even just a few months ago, so I'm making mental progress on all this. I'm seeing the light, yo.

Annnnd that had nothing to do with the nails mentioned in my title, ahem. Nails: I joined a site called Nailpolis (which bugs the fuck out of me, I think it should be Nailopolis, but whatevs) and even though it's not exactly buzzing with activity, it's useful. I've picked up a bunch more Instagram followers, so I'm hoping the more swatches and art I can get out there, the more I can get the ball rolling towards the ULTIMATE GOAL: getting sent nail polish to swatch! I've been practicing with striping tape lately, and I'm getting a lot better. I really am dying for my nails to grow out a little more, into a better shape. I cut my corners a few weeks ago, in a vain attempt for a coffin shape, but alas, for they were not long enough and it looked really dumb. Now they just look mildly dumb, but hurry up and fucking grow already, shitlords!

My fella finally put his fucking guitar away, so I'm heading to bed now. I did an exceptionally drainful workout today, and I can't wait to hit the pillow and snooze. Woo, SLEEP! 

#100!

Well, it only took... what, 4 years? but I made it to 100 posts! Incredible, all the things that have happened in these past 4 years. 4 is such a small number, and 4 years is about 1/20th of the average life span. /useless reflections

So I picked up this freelance thing, rating Instagram ads, and it's only an hour a day, but assuming the project lasts at least until the 20th of this month, I'll have an extra $230-$240 by the end of the month. Totally useful, since weight loss by then will necessitate new jeans, and I'll need new summer shoes too. Not to mention I'll need to buy some commercial yarn bases to start the next phase of my shop.
As far as weight loss has gone, I've only lost one more pound, so I'm down to 175, but my excuse is the funk I was in this past weekend. A big ol' cloud of depression settled on me, and I just wanted to fucking eat EVERYTHING. So many reasons why depression makes me want to gorge, and I need to work on eradicating them all. I'm really, really determined to beat this equation in my head, that food=love. IT DOES NOT. I need to seek comfort and solace mentally and spiritually, not with my goddamn taste buds.

What's been helping to curb my binge desires lately, is my nail polish obsession. I've overhauled as much of my stash as I could (I seem to be missing a few polishes, and I know they're around here somewhere, but fuck if I know where!) and I've determined which polishes need thinning, which ones need a little clear added, which ones need mixing balls, etc. I'll be placing a small order with tkb trading soon, to take care of these. I should mention that while my stash is well over 300 bottles, it's positively tiny compared to many stashes out there, which easily number in the thousands. My stash also boasts a number of gorgeous and unique franken polishes that I've mixed myself, and while I originally only started an Instagram for my photo documentation, I've decided to start a new blog to go with it. Yeah, I know I had one a few years ago, but my nails looked really stupid back then and I didn't really know what I was doing yet, just that I liked nail polish. Here's the new one, in case you're interested: Slacquerlacquer. My nail art, and polishing skills in general, have improved VASTLY over the years. And if I'm polishing my nails, perusing my stash, frankening polish, Instagramming it, photographing it, blogging about it... I'm not eating.

Today being Cinco de Mayo, it's also the 8th anniversary of my mother's death, and I feel I'd be remiss if I didn't mention it. I miss her every day, and wonder often how things might have been different in so many ways. There are so many questions I have, that only she could ever answer. So many things I wish I could tell her, and wonder if she knew, like how fucking rotten her sister, the aunt who raised me, was. C'est la vie. C'est la mort, or however you say it in French. Maybe some day I'll get to see her again.

That's all for now, I suppose. I'm getting sleepy before midnight these days, like a normal person. I like it. It's nice to get more daylight in my system.