I FUCKING DID IT.

With days to spare, I smashed my goal of 100 miles from April 5 to May 3rd, and walked 102.1 miles in 23 days. Not only that, but I'm capable of walking 16-17 minute miles. Some people can barely jog a 16 minute mile! Granted, that's still pushing myself, but to know I'm capable is pretty fucking rad. I've got to start doing other exercises, and I've been planning and implementing better, more serious changes to my diet, so I'm pretty excited to see the changes in the hopefully not too distant future. It's all about eating clean for me, so to speak- I know that's a trendy catchphrase now, but for me it's a little different because I was a REALLY "dirty" eater. I'm trying to eat more roastable veggies (NOTHING thrills me quite like roasted brussels sprouts or asparagus!) and while I'd love to go crazy on berries, I'm a little too poor at the moment. Portion control is becoming a thing now, too. Like, what the hell self, you're putting half an avocado back in the fridge? You've still got sprouts left? WHO ARE YOU.

Anyhow, the point is that I feel I've got more tools and plot points to help me reach my goals now. I'm also becoming more aware of how my mentality affects my eating. Today, while grumpily sewing an elephant ear on to a stuffed toy I knit for a commission, I got really frustrated and instantly, my body translated that to HUNGRY SO HUNGRY, hey, you know what? EAT SOMETHING DELICIOUS AND BAD FOR YOU and you'll feel better! Maybe it's a really perverted form of masochism- I'm mad at myself for not being very good at sewing on some level, so my head wants to punish me with something that isn't good for me, but I'll like, therefore wanting more of, therefore punishing me more. I'm still in self destruct mode every now and then, so I've got to catch it as it's happening and re-link my mental processes to more healthy things.

No shit man, if you took the me from a year ago and time traveled her to the me now, she'd laugh at you and say it wasn't gonna be her, ever. I'm literally a different person now... it's insane.

Making real progress again.

Finally overcame whatever hurdle I had in front of me, and I'm down 5 real pounds now. I created a route that I really love walking- it's 5.45 miles and it's got just enough twists and turns to keep me happy. I'm pretty sure if I keep walking it every day like I've been, the pounds will start melting off. It's also becoming clear that I'm going to smash my goal of walking 100 miles between April 5th and May 3rd. I've only got 14 miles to go, and 8 days left. That means to meet the goal, I'd need to do just 1.75 miles a day. PSHAWWW, that's small potatoes now ;-)

I've also started doing some core exercises as of this afternoon. I found this quick two minute workout, which, when you look at the perky blonde doing them, you think they must be effortless. HA HA HA, nope. You see, there's this thing called GRAVITY, and when you actually get down into planking position to start the routine, you realize right away that it's no piece of cake. It's more like rocks in your half baked plain potato. I felt SO HEAVY  trying to do those moves, but I think with practice, in a few weeks I should pretty much be comfortable with them, although I doubt they'll be easy. I should really get myself a yoga mat for things like this.

My only other thing is... well, I need to get better with food. I've been very generous with calories, knowing that I burn a lot on my walks, but still, eating a few less calories wouldn't hurt one bit. (Says the girl who practically begged her boyfriend for Domino's new specialty chicken pizza for dinner tonight... it's pizza, but instead of bread, it's on fried chicken tenders. OMFG SO DELICIOUS. fuck.)

In other news, I did some planting the other night. Beefsteak tomatoes, cherry tomatoes, cucumbers, and sweet peas, all to be grown in containers. Also planted some Gala apple seeds, and plan to do some radishes as soon as I get a good container for them. I probably won't be growing out apple trees in my apartment, but I know people with yards who'd want them :-P It'll be a bit of a challenge to grow these things to fruition inside, but I'll make it work this time, now that I have more space.

Ok, I've got some knitting to do now, so off I go. 

HOLY filet of fuck.

Just completed a 6.27 mile walk. It was totally awesome and all, and my speed has improved to just under 20 minutes a mile, but HOLY FUCKING PANTS SEAMS. Usually, the places that I'd be bothered by chafing are around my nether regions, and thankfully, that hasn't been an issue so far. But today? From my knees up, on the inside of my thighs, a big red rashy looking thing has appeared. Of course I put lotion on when I got home, but I should have gone straight for the A+D because this shit was HARSH. I've gotta get myself some workout gear that doesn't have inner thigh seams or something.

I'm really proud of how much of a difference I feel now, physically. It used to be that I'd struggle up that long hill on Grandview, now I zip up it. Even at the tail end of a 6.27 mile walk! And although I think my tendinitis issue has largely disappeared because I got new sneakers, I think it's also got something to do with the fact that every single day, I've pushed myself to work through whatever issues have been plaguing me. Changing the scenery helps a lot for me- today, I walked up to Juniper Valley Park, which is gorgeous and huge, and I am totally looking forward to spending time there this summer. Although I don't think it's wise for me to do such long walks every day, I'm totally ok with amending my route to be shorter, but still include that park. Another sweet thing about my walk is that about 3/5 of the way through, there's a KMart with a bathroom. I pray they never close that KMart as long as I'm here... I try to completely drain myself before going out, but sometimes, it creeps up on me.

So now I've just eaten dinner and I'm completely knackered at 10:37pm, but I'm ok with that. I like the idea of getting up earlier and going to bed earlier. It feels better for some reason, whereas before I ranged  anywhere from semi nocturnal to completely nocturnal to just plain old "what the fuck?!" Stability isn't something I've had much of in my adult life- in fact, I've mostly rejected it because I had far too much growing up (well, from 6+ anyway). But now, the idea of stability in certain areas is pretty appealing.

I'm just gonna end this now, before I start rambling. Good night!

Getting STRONGER!

So last week, while dog sitting, I managed to clock in 30.14 miles altogether of walking. I resisted the urge to be a lazy motherfucker and sit in that gloriously comfy recliner all day long. I did not, however, keep up with the dieting aspect of the mission, but that's ok. I didn't gain any weight, and while I didn't lose any, there's a visible difference in my body already- my sister remarked that my stomach looked smaller. I can see my cheekbones again, and I feel a fuck ton stronger. And as of this morning, I'm still 194 lbs! I can't wait to see what I look like at 184 lbs. My goal is at least 4 miles a day. Today, I rang up 5.91 miles! 1.81 of those miles were running errands, but every little bit counts. The workout was a little rough towards the end though... I started with a headache, which progressed into a stomachache, which eventually by the end presented itself as wanting to puke, but I just kept thinking about not being fat, and I fucking made it. I felt so victorious afterwards.

At any rate, puking is better than shitting. What do I mean, you say? HA! Well, once upon a time... er... well, let's just say this: Never underestimate the power of fiber gummies, decide you need to try all the flavors, and then decide to go for a walk. You're gonna have a bad time. Fortunately, I was in the woods and no one was around, so I was able to dash like a mountain goat over some treacherous mud puddles and rocks, position myself behind a large pile of dirt and rocks, and just let go. LESSON SO LEARNED. (And in case you're wondering, yes, ALL THE FLAVORS are delicious :-P)

Speaking of lessons learned, I was just thinking the other day about the reasons for starting this blog. I had been thinking about it for a while, as I was getting back into spiritual research at the time (hence the name- Cerridwen is my patron goddess. I still get an electric charge when I manifest her name), and I also wanted a place to document the growth of my plants. I just didn't really get around to doing it until I NEEDED a semi public place to vent out my feelings of anger and frustration regarding a certain situation I had been through- I needed a place to react, where I knew I would be heard. Normally, I would have gotten over it and deleted any negativity I had created- but looking back, my feelings were completely valid, and to delete something I had expressed would be to deny the validity of my feelings. From there, though, pretty cool shit happened within me. It's funny, I've got this... I don't want to say disorder, but it's definitely SOMETHING, named or not- well, whatever it is, the symptom is that I often react to negativity by becoming incredibly focused on positivity and creating something beautiful. So I knit, paint, draw, garden, etc. Time and again, when I feel like someone else has pointed some kind of negativity at me, I react by exploding into bloom. Because I know that whatever negativity they have going on in their heads, whatever sadness, self loathing, pain, despair, etc that they're projecting, it has nothing to do with me. Come to think of it, it might even be a defense mechanism for me, to create light in the face of darkness. It only seems to work when it comes from the outside though.  I've been through my own darkness and despair time and again- I've been suicidal, I've been beyond suicidal into the pit of complete and utter apathy. I've hit rock bottom, hard. I tried drinking my problems away, tried to forget about my life with copious amounts of alcohol and indiscriminate sexual encounters. It wasn't until the past few months that I decided enough was enough. Sometimes, for me to make a change in my life, or to get passionate about something, it has to stew within me for whatever length of time it needs to grow roots. Sometimes it's years, sometimes it's hours. Sometimes, something that took years resolves itself in a matter of minutes- "I'm gonna do it RIGHT NOW!" and then it's done.

Oh jeez, I'm losing my train of thought here. It's fucking hard to hear myself think with music and talking. Plus, I'm exhausted. Gonna take a shower and sleep like a baby. The conclusion of whatever I just said up there is that right now, I'm in a really good, exciting place in my life, and it's because I decided to pull up my britches and go there. I did it because I knew it would be worth it, and because I know I am fucking worth it. I don't think I've been this optimistic since I was a naive teenager, and I've certainly never been this determined, confident, or motivated in my life. Motivation is a funny thing for me... it seems to live by it's own rules, and when it decides to grace me with it's presence, I am blessed. Otherwise, it seems I'm fumbling around for a light switch that's ten feet above my head in the dark. It seems though, that it's perfectly possible to keep around once you have it. If something is worth wanting, it's worth working for. Never lose sight of the goals you've made. I feel as though the 60 pounds I've gained since moving to Harlem the day my mother died in 2008 are symbolic of the darkness and emotional baggage I've been carrying around. As I shed them, I shed my past, and I am no longer chained to that darkness. I was so comfortable in that darkness, in my own skin, in the extra layers of fat that I maybe subconsciously felt protected me somehow. Since I started to reject that darkness and sadness, and the feelings I had of being crushed by helplessness, I started to become uncomfortable, physically in my skin. It doesn't surprise me that the two are related. I could no longer be comfortable going around in the same lazy, unhealthy & complacent circles, day after day, whether the ground I was treading was mental or physical.

I don't need those layers of  extra flesh anymore. I'm strong enough and confident enough to live in the light now. I will not hide in the darkness anymore, because I am worthy of living the beautiful life I'm more than willing to create for myself. I have nothing to hide. I am who I am, and that's it. Nothing more, nothing less, and it's nothing short of exactly who and what I need to be. I am done apologizing for my existence, I am done feeling unworthy, I am done feeling guilty for not measuring up to someone  else's standards of who I should be. To be the best kind of person I can be- this is my mission in life, and I'm not afraid of the inevitable mistakes and lessons I will experience along the way.

This is all me figuring shit out. No therapist, no friends giving me advice, because no one knows me like I do. I find that when I am most honest with myself, even if I see myself in a less than flattering light, it's still light and it illuminates questions and answers and mysteries.

Ok, I'm falling into a mental quagmire (giggity!) now, and I really need a shower and sleep so...bye!

Me, exercising?!

Yeah! I decided I was no longer comfortable in my own flesh, and as a result, wanted to lose some weight. My eating was getting pretty out of control, I mean, I was literally eating whatever the fuck I wanted. After reaching a max of 196 pounds, I decided to do something about it. I had been thinking about doing something for a while, but was catalyzed when I saw a pedometer on sale for $10 at some store in the Financial District. From that point on, kablammo! I've been really strict about food, and I've been keeping an exercise diary. Every day, I log total steps, distance, and calories burned. I've also been using MapMyRun to map out routes. I aim for a minimum of 4 miles a day, and since I started, I've been pretty good about doing it every day- except for when one of my cats went into heat (=sleep deprivation! and yes, she is getting spayed soon) and then my boyfriend got a mysterious case of bad food poisoning & I had to take care of him (=even more sleep deprivation!) And then, I came up here to my sister's place to dog sit while her and my brother in law enjoy Cancun for a week. Whatever weight I lost, I gained back, but I'm ok with that. As long as I don't gain more weight while I'm here (there's a fuck ton of god food to eat!) I'll count it as a victory. I've been good about mapping routes, and on top of walking the routes, I've been walking the dogs around the GIGANTIC school parking lot by my sister's place (no joke- this thing has to be a mile around). Mostly I'm just thrilled to be moving more. I'm tired of the aches and pains and stiffness and lack of energy that are no doubt the result of sitting on my ass and knitting for long hours. All those symptoms are disappearing though, slowly but surely! It's rare now that I get up from sitting or laying down and I have severe problems moving. I feel myself getting stronger. I've set goals for myself: I want to be down to 160 by my birthday in July, I want to have logged 100 miles by May 3rd, (I'm 13.23% complete, so I think I'll be ok!) and I want to maintain an average of 10k steps a day, which so far hasn't been difficult, although it's far more active than I was previously.

I also had to iron out some kinks with my pedometer- it's not entirely accurate, no matter where I put it on my body. My stride is set to the correct length, and my weight is correct, so I usually just measure the percentage of distance it's recorded and adjust all data accordingly to actual distance. It's been an invaluable tool though so far- and my scale at home being digital (though it unfortunately measures in kg!) I can track just how well I'm doing. I'll do much better though when I'm not around all this delicious food though.

As far as knitting goes, I'm on the tail end of a beautiful shawl for a swap, and I've got a ton of commissions- ranging from the bizarre (uh, a hot dog in bun? Breaking Bad ski masks?!) to the normal (baby stuff- two elephants and a pair of booties, not to mention an adult pair of fingerless gloves).

Ok, completely lost my train of thought while getting distracted by some loving from my furry, four legged niece and nephew. Boogey isn't moping this time, and Bisco is no longer scared of me. Everything is so lovey dovey now, it's ridiculous! I am SO GLAD my sister decided to have them instead of kids :-P

Time for a 5.62 mile walk now, away I go!