Long Overdue Update!

I live! Holy cow, things have changed though. I have a new job that I really and truly love- I'm a dog walker in Manhattan. My boss is a really lovely person, and it's a very tiny company, comprised of all women. Our clients are extremely wealthy, they're very nice people, and the pay is GREAT! The dogs are barrels of fun, and I'm now using the fact that I'm in perpetual motion for seven hours a day to my advantage- I cut my calories and am rapidly losing weight again. Even better, I'm very friendly with the staff at the building most of our dogs live in, and some of them are working on losing weight with me. I love those guys- they're mostly Albanian, and a few of them live in my neighborhood. I've run into them, and even hung out with them a few times. Fridays are weigh in days- this Friday will be the start of week 3. Things are going really well for me right now, and my situation is vastly improved from what it was the last time I updated. I'm no longer obese, just overweight at 161 pounds, and I'm really excited for summer this year. I'm planning on being down another 30 pounds by then. I can't wait!!!

It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year!

*dances around* HELLO AUTUMN!!!!!!!!

I cannot express how glad I am for cooler weather, and especially these gloriously gloomy gray days. Nothing beats the pleasure of hot tea in the mornings, after waking up in a cool bed. I'm also more inclined to knit and get work done on my yarns, and I've started lifting weights again. Doing anything is much more pleasant when it's not stifling hot in the apartment.

That being said, I still am struggling with a lack of motivation for most things, most days. I've come to realize that the depression I've been experiencing since I was ten years old is becoming more of a problem than I can deal with on my own. I don't want to go the pharmaceutical route, but if it eventually comes to that, so be it. I'm so tired of being trapped in my own head, unable to focus, unable to think clearly, unable to gain momentum in any direction. I feel like I could have accomplished so much over the past year, if I weren't being held hostage by a gray fog that hovers inside and around me. The feeling is akin to walking across a field on a foggy, cloudy night under a new moon- you can force yourself to walk, but you have no clue where you're going, each step is a potential stumble because you can't even see the ground, and it doesn't matter how determined you are to reach the edge of the field, you're going to wind up lost somehow.

But, in happy news, I was chosen to review nail art products for a company called Born Pretty, and I've had a lot of fun with them so far. The manicures are on my instagram (@slacquerlacquer). And, I'm going to visit my sister this week. I'm going up on Thursday night, Friday we're going up to our stepdad's place to put flowers in Mom's garden, where her ashes were scattered, Saturday we're going to see a show in PA (Dope w/ Motorgrind) and then Sunday I'll be heading back. I'm also due for a phone upgrade- hopefully I'll get my new debit card Tuesday and I'll be able to get it taken care of before I go to my sister's place.

My brain is fuzzing out again, sorry. Totally losing focus. At least I can keep working on getting fit, so at least my body won't be a wreck anymore. And although I often don't want to work out, I always feel much better after I do. I remind myself that my goal is to be strong and capable of defending myself in case I need to- I am not going to be a victim ever again. I'm making myself strong for that scared little girl who still lives inside me.

okay, off to bed for me. I've been plagued for a long time now with this recurring dream- the scenery varies, but the premise is the same, where I'm at school, and I can't remember my locker combination, and it's the last day of school, and they're going to throw out everything in my locker if I can't get it open. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with my dropping out of college, but whatever it is, it's getting really old, really fast. I'm gonna look it up and psychoanalyze it as I fall asleep, maybe I'll snap out of it. Fingers crossed for sweet dreams!

How Weight Loss Led To A Mom Hair Cut.

So uh, long time no see. Apparently I did such a great job of losing weight, and lost so much pure fat so quickly, that I threw myself into a hormonal imbalance. As a result, I'm battling zits like I'm 15 again, weepy feelings akin to constant PMS, and the crown jewel... a condition known as telogen effluvium. My hair is now in a dormant phase, which means it's coming out in clumps and much thinner than it usually is... so I decided to bite the bullet and got myself a pixie cut. I was really pleasantly surprised by how good it looks- I didn't think my small head could rock it with my still not so small body, but I was losing my patience with the constant presence of hair EVERYWHERE. So, at the risk of looking like an SJW or a pre op tranny, I got it all chopped off. By the time it really starts growing back, it'll be out of the dormant phase (December-ish) and I won't be freaking out at a constantly full hair brush.

In yarn news, my yarns are now being carried by a shop in Massachusetts! I'm so excited- they found me on Etsy and asked if I wanted to work with them. Hell yes. I've got a goal in mind to vend at Vogue Knitting Live 2018, so the more I expand, the better. I sent them both commercial based, repeatable colorways, and a few "top shelf" yarns, the recycled ones. I sent them the best of the best, so I'm hoping they do well and I earn some more customers.

I've got some sweaters to work on, and this laptop on my lap is not making the last of the summer heat any more pleasant, so I'm gonna skedaddle now. Fall can't come fast enough!!!

Spontaneous Sister Visit!

Oh my goddd, I had SO MUCH FUN Thursday into Friday! My sister was on vacation, and since we haven't seen each other in a few years, she came down for a visit. Upon checking into the hotel (we stayed in downtown Brooklyn, right off the Fulton mall) the desk clerk looked at us and went, "I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you two play rugby!"

...yeah no, we didn't know what prompted that either, but it was greatly amusing to both of us. And we had to wait a while for the room to be ready, so we sat in the bar next door and got a bit tipsy, including free drinks because the bartender loved us, and then we went up, dropped our bags off, and went out thrifting. My sister loved the huge store I brought her to, as I knew she would. We then walked over to the other location that just opened, then went back to our hotel after picking up a few beers at Duane Reade. I did her nails- and did a great job, considering I was tipsy and she kept moving her hands, haha. Her pointers and pinkies had black bird silhouettes on multi-colored strands, with blue french tips, and her middle and ring fingers had black cat faces peeping over the tips, and each cat was looking sideways at the bird next to it. I should just upload pics, but they're on my instagram (@slacquerlacquer). I was pretty proud of them. I'm definitely going to recreate it on my own nails at some point. We went out to Applebee's for dinner (safe choice, as my sister has food issues, so better to go with the devil you know!), went back to the hotel, and passed outttt. The next morning, we tried to go to IHOP for breakfast, but uh, let's just say the customer service was lacking, so we split and decided to skip breakfast in favor of walking across the Brooklyn Bridge instead. WOW, it was beautiful! Way too crowded, but lovely, and great weather for it. The first time I did it, it was in winter, so there weren't nearly as many people. This time, it was borderline insanity.

We took the train uptown to 23rd, did some more thrifting, and I got 2 cute tops. Much easier to shop, now that I've lost weight! We had lunch at a nearby diner and then went back to Grand Central to relax and wait for her train. Tons of fun all around, and we got a whole lot of walking in.

I'm still waiting on my yarn to get here, and it seems like it'll be further delayed as the address was put in wrong- not sure if it was on my end or theirs, but I'm pretty sure I would have noticed it if I had put in 20&1 for my address! Maybe not though, so who knows.

As far as weight loss goes, between the constipation and now my period, nothing has budged, but nothing has been gained either, so I'm not complaining. I usually have a WHOOSH where I lose like 5 pounds after my period, so I'm eagerly anticipating that.

Alright, I'm way behind on my nail blogging, so I need to go take care of that. I'm currently wearing real crushed pearls on my nails- I had some less than ideal freshwater pearl beads left over from a shawl commission, with chips and dull bits and poorly drilled holes, so I crushed them up with a pair of pliers and put them on my rings and thumbs. They were for the Prince nail art challenge I joined, the theme this week being Diamonds and Pearls. Totally in love with my nails right now! 

PHASE 3 IS ACTIVE. I REPEAT. PHASE 3 IS ACTIVE.

I just bit the bullet and dropped $114.09 on some commercial yarn bases for my shop. Totally reasonably priced yarns, and they're already hanked, so I don't need to wind off a cone before dyeing. I bought two different kinds of sock yarn, some cotton yarn, and some worsted superwash merino. I'm going to start dyeing the prototype skeins this week at some point, although I need to buy some cheapo wool to dye from somewhere first, because I haven't got enough skeins to cover the initial colorways I have in mind. I want to set up at least 5, maybe six different colorways, and they're going to have to be dyed to order for the time being, because I won't have enough stock to have sitting around pre dyed. Also, I need to go to Dick Blick this week at some point and pick up pink dye, black dye (both acid dyes), soda ash, and urea. Maybe in the future I'll feel justified in placing a big ass Dharma Trading order again, and paying a million dollars in shipping, but for the time being, I don't need enough to warrant it. I'm REALLLY, REALLLLLY excited about all this. Really excited. Super duper ally ooper sparkling excited! I feel like I should probably have made commercial yarns an option all along, but you know, hindsight is 20/20 and all that. Phase 3 refers to the third part of my plan to make this production phase possible, so I've been waiting for this day for a few months now.

I went to KMart last night and bought myself some new shorts and bras and shoes. A cute pair of fucking around shoes (slip on sneaker type things for running errands around town) and an absolutely darling pair of heeled leather wedges with black flowers on top. Really comfy, too. I'll be wearing those to the drag queen event I'm going to be playing violin in later this month. I was approached by a gentleman with a guitar as I was busking in the subway last week, and he wants me to be part of a quartet to play some accompaniment music to what I get the impression is a drag queen fashion show of some sort. These sorts of odd opportunities used to crop up all the time when I was more socially active; I should try to get out and about more. I needed to isolate myself completely for a while, but I think it would do me good to remember what it's like to connect with other people again.

I talked to my sister last night on the way to KMart, and walked there and back since it's only 2.2 miles round trip. I got updated on family nonsense, and discovered that she's got vacation time coming up in the beginning of July (right before my birthday!) so I'm TOTALLY going up there. She's all excited because it's a milestone birthday for me, and I'm just like whatever, I'm a late bloomer so calm down, hahaha. Hopefully I'll actually have something to celebrate by then- I'm not big on celebrating things just because the calendar tells me to. I'll definitely be placing another order with my yarn supplier after I get paid for this months work, although I'm hoping to be sold out of my initial run by then so I can do a REALLY BIG order. DOLLA DOLLA BILLZ Y'ALL!!!

As far as weight loss goes, I'm momentarily stalled by the constipation monster :-( BUT. I wish I knew how to make gifs... wait omg I do. Because my arm muscles are becoming visible, and flexing in front of a mirror is one of my new favorite amusements. I'm going to make a gif and send it to my soul sister, aka my fellow shieldmaiden in training, and she's gonna die laughing. My quads are becoming quite defined too, although the downside of that is that my inner thighs look a LOT worse now, since they're mostly covered in fat. And while I love seeing the changes in my body, and watching myself slim down and build muscle, I have to say that FEELING the changes is even better. I feel much stronger, faster, and lighter already. I'm sorry I didn't have the motivation to do this sooner. It's affecting my brain and depression in positive ways too. I'm more motivated in all areas of thinking and doing, these days. Sitting around and being a lazy, excuse ridden fuck is an absolutely miserable way to live. I don't think I'll ever go back to that again. 

Another Pound Bites the Dust...

...and another one, gone, and another one gone... and I'm down to 169 now, woo! Took a little longer than I would have liked, as I don't poop as much as I used to. But I definitely did a happy dance! And my thighs, holy shit. Three weeks of lunges and I'm starting to see actual muscle definition in my quads. I'm going much harder on my arms now too, so hopefully in a few weeks, I'll see real change there too.

We went to go see the Murder Junkies play last night, as it's probably the last chance to see them, period. It was weird, because we didn't know anyone there except for a guitarist friend who played with them for a few songs. We've seen them play before, but those shows were put together by friends, and since at least one of the Murder Junkies + said friends no longer get along, someone else put on the show. The opening act was a decent band called Spewing Cum. Decent as in, they were shit musically, but they were pretty solid as far as punk goes. I think we were both reminded why we never go out anymore, though. It was hot, crowded, and shows just don't entertain either of us like they used to.

That being said, I recently realized I'm not a fan of entertainment, period. I don't want to be entertained. Being entertained denotes sitting on one's ass and watching something, in order to find amusement or distraction from reality. I don't want to be distracted from reality, and I am more than capable of finding my own amusements. Making yarn is an amusement, as is knitting, spinning, dyeing, nail art, etc. I'm so in love with my hobbies and small business that I literally don't want to do anything else! Just think for a minute: when you're on your deathbed, and you look back on how many days of your life are comprised of hours spent sitting on your ass, watching something someone else made- are you gonna feel regret that you didn't spend more time making/doing your own interesting things? I know I'd feel really sore about it.

As far as the nail stuff goes, wow! Already ~140 followers, and I've had this account less than a month. Whoever is in charge of the Sally Hansen (BIG nail products company) Instagram has reached out to me three times, on three separate pictures, I've posted, asking if they could use them. Woo!

Ahhhh... there's an absolutely heavenly breeze wafting through the window right now, clearing out the smell of hamburgers from the apartment. I love that stove top grill, but it does smoke the place up. I'm gonna suggest getting new filters for the range hood, and of course I'm gonna get shot down, until he realizes it actually IS a good idea. Derp derp derp, physics, how do they work... okay, off to do my stupid little instagram ad rating thing. I'm gonna love that check, but ugh, the work is so tedious!

The Gods Will Always Smile On Brave Women

That's what my favorite t-shirt says, and I take it to heart. Bravery isn't easy, or it wouldn't be brave. It's not always fun, and it often involves blood, sweat, and tears. I remind myself of this often when I need to push through fear, depression, fatigue, etc, to reach goals.

There are going to be many hard and scary moments in my immediate future, the life changes I am making make them inevitable. As long as I stay motivated and focused on my goals, I'll reach them one by one. Sometimes I need to bite my tongue, sometimes a tongue lashing is in order. I've learned when each is appropriate over the years, and I have no problem disguising my true feelings if it means getting what I need. (My vagueness here is entirely intentional, by the way.)

I must always remember to be brave though. I'm no longer the scared little girl, cowed into submission by her domineering, abusive aunt. I'm a full grown woman and it's time I take charge of my own life. There is no reason I shouldn't be doing what I want to do, free of constraints. There is no reason I should keep handing authority to other people, no reason I should settle for complacency or half assed contentment when what I really want is still out of reach. I'm not going to be ruled by fear of hurting other people's feelings any longer, when they clearly don't give a shit about mine. I'm not making excuses for myself anymore. If things are slow, I am patient, as long as they are still progressing. I have goals, I have plans to reach those goals, and I am working diligently on them every single day. I will get there. And bless my fuck, it's gonna be glorious when I do.