How Weight Loss Led To A Mom Hair Cut.

So uh, long time no see. Apparently I did such a great job of losing weight, and lost so much pure fat so quickly, that I threw myself into a hormonal imbalance. As a result, I'm battling zits like I'm 15 again, weepy feelings akin to constant PMS, and the crown jewel... a condition known as telogen effluvium. My hair is now in a dormant phase, which means it's coming out in clumps and much thinner than it usually is... so I decided to bite the bullet and got myself a pixie cut. I was really pleasantly surprised by how good it looks- I didn't think my small head could rock it with my still not so small body, but I was losing my patience with the constant presence of hair EVERYWHERE. So, at the risk of looking like an SJW or a pre op tranny, I got it all chopped off. By the time it really starts growing back, it'll be out of the dormant phase (December-ish) and I won't be freaking out at a constantly full hair brush.

In yarn news, my yarns are now being carried by a shop in Massachusetts! I'm so excited- they found me on Etsy and asked if I wanted to work with them. Hell yes. I've got a goal in mind to vend at Vogue Knitting Live 2018, so the more I expand, the better. I sent them both commercial based, repeatable colorways, and a few "top shelf" yarns, the recycled ones. I sent them the best of the best, so I'm hoping they do well and I earn some more customers.

I've got some sweaters to work on, and this laptop on my lap is not making the last of the summer heat any more pleasant, so I'm gonna skedaddle now. Fall can't come fast enough!!!

Spontaneous Sister Visit!

Oh my goddd, I had SO MUCH FUN Thursday into Friday! My sister was on vacation, and since we haven't seen each other in a few years, she came down for a visit. Upon checking into the hotel (we stayed in downtown Brooklyn, right off the Fulton mall) the desk clerk looked at us and went, "I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you two play rugby!"

...yeah no, we didn't know what prompted that either, but it was greatly amusing to both of us. And we had to wait a while for the room to be ready, so we sat in the bar next door and got a bit tipsy, including free drinks because the bartender loved us, and then we went up, dropped our bags off, and went out thrifting. My sister loved the huge store I brought her to, as I knew she would. We then walked over to the other location that just opened, then went back to our hotel after picking up a few beers at Duane Reade. I did her nails- and did a great job, considering I was tipsy and she kept moving her hands, haha. Her pointers and pinkies had black bird silhouettes on multi-colored strands, with blue french tips, and her middle and ring fingers had black cat faces peeping over the tips, and each cat was looking sideways at the bird next to it. I should just upload pics, but they're on my instagram (@slacquerlacquer). I was pretty proud of them. I'm definitely going to recreate it on my own nails at some point. We went out to Applebee's for dinner (safe choice, as my sister has food issues, so better to go with the devil you know!), went back to the hotel, and passed outttt. The next morning, we tried to go to IHOP for breakfast, but uh, let's just say the customer service was lacking, so we split and decided to skip breakfast in favor of walking across the Brooklyn Bridge instead. WOW, it was beautiful! Way too crowded, but lovely, and great weather for it. The first time I did it, it was in winter, so there weren't nearly as many people. This time, it was borderline insanity.

We took the train uptown to 23rd, did some more thrifting, and I got 2 cute tops. Much easier to shop, now that I've lost weight! We had lunch at a nearby diner and then went back to Grand Central to relax and wait for her train. Tons of fun all around, and we got a whole lot of walking in.

I'm still waiting on my yarn to get here, and it seems like it'll be further delayed as the address was put in wrong- not sure if it was on my end or theirs, but I'm pretty sure I would have noticed it if I had put in 20&1 for my address! Maybe not though, so who knows.

As far as weight loss goes, between the constipation and now my period, nothing has budged, but nothing has been gained either, so I'm not complaining. I usually have a WHOOSH where I lose like 5 pounds after my period, so I'm eagerly anticipating that.

Alright, I'm way behind on my nail blogging, so I need to go take care of that. I'm currently wearing real crushed pearls on my nails- I had some less than ideal freshwater pearl beads left over from a shawl commission, with chips and dull bits and poorly drilled holes, so I crushed them up with a pair of pliers and put them on my rings and thumbs. They were for the Prince nail art challenge I joined, the theme this week being Diamonds and Pearls. Totally in love with my nails right now! 

PHASE 3 IS ACTIVE. I REPEAT. PHASE 3 IS ACTIVE.

I just bit the bullet and dropped $114.09 on some commercial yarn bases for my shop. Totally reasonably priced yarns, and they're already hanked, so I don't need to wind off a cone before dyeing. I bought two different kinds of sock yarn, some cotton yarn, and some worsted superwash merino. I'm going to start dyeing the prototype skeins this week at some point, although I need to buy some cheapo wool to dye from somewhere first, because I haven't got enough skeins to cover the initial colorways I have in mind. I want to set up at least 5, maybe six different colorways, and they're going to have to be dyed to order for the time being, because I won't have enough stock to have sitting around pre dyed. Also, I need to go to Dick Blick this week at some point and pick up pink dye, black dye (both acid dyes), soda ash, and urea. Maybe in the future I'll feel justified in placing a big ass Dharma Trading order again, and paying a million dollars in shipping, but for the time being, I don't need enough to warrant it. I'm REALLLY, REALLLLLY excited about all this. Really excited. Super duper ally ooper sparkling excited! I feel like I should probably have made commercial yarns an option all along, but you know, hindsight is 20/20 and all that. Phase 3 refers to the third part of my plan to make this production phase possible, so I've been waiting for this day for a few months now.

I went to KMart last night and bought myself some new shorts and bras and shoes. A cute pair of fucking around shoes (slip on sneaker type things for running errands around town) and an absolutely darling pair of heeled leather wedges with black flowers on top. Really comfy, too. I'll be wearing those to the drag queen event I'm going to be playing violin in later this month. I was approached by a gentleman with a guitar as I was busking in the subway last week, and he wants me to be part of a quartet to play some accompaniment music to what I get the impression is a drag queen fashion show of some sort. These sorts of odd opportunities used to crop up all the time when I was more socially active; I should try to get out and about more. I needed to isolate myself completely for a while, but I think it would do me good to remember what it's like to connect with other people again.

I talked to my sister last night on the way to KMart, and walked there and back since it's only 2.2 miles round trip. I got updated on family nonsense, and discovered that she's got vacation time coming up in the beginning of July (right before my birthday!) so I'm TOTALLY going up there. She's all excited because it's a milestone birthday for me, and I'm just like whatever, I'm a late bloomer so calm down, hahaha. Hopefully I'll actually have something to celebrate by then- I'm not big on celebrating things just because the calendar tells me to. I'll definitely be placing another order with my yarn supplier after I get paid for this months work, although I'm hoping to be sold out of my initial run by then so I can do a REALLY BIG order. DOLLA DOLLA BILLZ Y'ALL!!!

As far as weight loss goes, I'm momentarily stalled by the constipation monster :-( BUT. I wish I knew how to make gifs... wait omg I do. Because my arm muscles are becoming visible, and flexing in front of a mirror is one of my new favorite amusements. I'm going to make a gif and send it to my soul sister, aka my fellow shieldmaiden in training, and she's gonna die laughing. My quads are becoming quite defined too, although the downside of that is that my inner thighs look a LOT worse now, since they're mostly covered in fat. And while I love seeing the changes in my body, and watching myself slim down and build muscle, I have to say that FEELING the changes is even better. I feel much stronger, faster, and lighter already. I'm sorry I didn't have the motivation to do this sooner. It's affecting my brain and depression in positive ways too. I'm more motivated in all areas of thinking and doing, these days. Sitting around and being a lazy, excuse ridden fuck is an absolutely miserable way to live. I don't think I'll ever go back to that again. 

Another Pound Bites the Dust...

...and another one, gone, and another one gone... and I'm down to 169 now, woo! Took a little longer than I would have liked, as I don't poop as much as I used to. But I definitely did a happy dance! And my thighs, holy shit. Three weeks of lunges and I'm starting to see actual muscle definition in my quads. I'm going much harder on my arms now too, so hopefully in a few weeks, I'll see real change there too.

We went to go see the Murder Junkies play last night, as it's probably the last chance to see them, period. It was weird, because we didn't know anyone there except for a guitarist friend who played with them for a few songs. We've seen them play before, but those shows were put together by friends, and since at least one of the Murder Junkies + said friends no longer get along, someone else put on the show. The opening act was a decent band called Spewing Cum. Decent as in, they were shit musically, but they were pretty solid as far as punk goes. I think we were both reminded why we never go out anymore, though. It was hot, crowded, and shows just don't entertain either of us like they used to.

That being said, I recently realized I'm not a fan of entertainment, period. I don't want to be entertained. Being entertained denotes sitting on one's ass and watching something, in order to find amusement or distraction from reality. I don't want to be distracted from reality, and I am more than capable of finding my own amusements. Making yarn is an amusement, as is knitting, spinning, dyeing, nail art, etc. I'm so in love with my hobbies and small business that I literally don't want to do anything else! Just think for a minute: when you're on your deathbed, and you look back on how many days of your life are comprised of hours spent sitting on your ass, watching something someone else made- are you gonna feel regret that you didn't spend more time making/doing your own interesting things? I know I'd feel really sore about it.

As far as the nail stuff goes, wow! Already ~140 followers, and I've had this account less than a month. Whoever is in charge of the Sally Hansen (BIG nail products company) Instagram has reached out to me three times, on three separate pictures, I've posted, asking if they could use them. Woo!

Ahhhh... there's an absolutely heavenly breeze wafting through the window right now, clearing out the smell of hamburgers from the apartment. I love that stove top grill, but it does smoke the place up. I'm gonna suggest getting new filters for the range hood, and of course I'm gonna get shot down, until he realizes it actually IS a good idea. Derp derp derp, physics, how do they work... okay, off to do my stupid little instagram ad rating thing. I'm gonna love that check, but ugh, the work is so tedious!

The Gods Will Always Smile On Brave Women

That's what my favorite t-shirt says, and I take it to heart. Bravery isn't easy, or it wouldn't be brave. It's not always fun, and it often involves blood, sweat, and tears. I remind myself of this often when I need to push through fear, depression, fatigue, etc, to reach goals.

There are going to be many hard and scary moments in my immediate future, the life changes I am making make them inevitable. As long as I stay motivated and focused on my goals, I'll reach them one by one. Sometimes I need to bite my tongue, sometimes a tongue lashing is in order. I've learned when each is appropriate over the years, and I have no problem disguising my true feelings if it means getting what I need. (My vagueness here is entirely intentional, by the way.)

I must always remember to be brave though. I'm no longer the scared little girl, cowed into submission by her domineering, abusive aunt. I'm a full grown woman and it's time I take charge of my own life. There is no reason I shouldn't be doing what I want to do, free of constraints. There is no reason I should keep handing authority to other people, no reason I should settle for complacency or half assed contentment when what I really want is still out of reach. I'm not going to be ruled by fear of hurting other people's feelings any longer, when they clearly don't give a shit about mine. I'm not making excuses for myself anymore. If things are slow, I am patient, as long as they are still progressing. I have goals, I have plans to reach those goals, and I am working diligently on them every single day. I will get there. And bless my fuck, it's gonna be glorious when I do. 

BA BAM

172.2 as of this morning (Wednesday, 5/18/16)! I'm so excited, I will probably be back in the 160s by next week. Perhaps even the end of this week!

I revised my workout routine yet again, and added a few more exercises- after cutting a few out. I want to focus more on toning my arms. I was focusing a little too much on exercises that targeted the back and shoulders and didn't realize it. I feel satisfied now that I'm going to make visible progress on my arms soon. My best friend and I are both going for Viking woman arms, as we like to call them. I feel excited about working out again- I don't dread it anymore. Instead, I look forward to pushing myself to grow stronger and more fit and capable with every movement. I've always had a fair bit of muscle (especially in my thighs) but when I was last "thin" (I was never really thin, even with a BMI on the low end of healthy) it was more skinny fat than anything. I've never been in really good shape before. I'm really anticipating seeing what the melting fat reveals, now that I'm building up muscle. I'm especially impatient to get all this fucking belly fat off of me, so fasting every day until dinner has become the norm for me, whether I'm working out or not. Only black coffee or tea and water until dinner. If I'm having difficulty with hunger pangs or whatever (which hasn't really happened yet) there's always chewing gum. Mostly I'm too busy futzing around doing things to get fussed about food much. With food, it's literally "out of sight, out of mind" for me, and if I don't see it, I won't think about it- so I try to avoid places on the internet that will shove food in my face (ads, etc) and I don't watch TV unless I'm eating (never really did anyway). I have an "emergency" bag of oats stashed in the fridge, so if I'm ravenous for whatever reason, or dizzy, or having hunger related issues, I can always whip up some oats really fast and not feel guilty about a million calories. That hasn't happened yet though, so I think this is gonna work out pretty well for me. I've found that I'm much less likely to get hungry during the day if I don't eat in the morning anyway. Apparently there have been athletes and body builders who adopted this diet style of one meal a day, so that clinches it for me. If they could do it, so can I!

I do eat a very balanced,varied diet with lots of meat and veggies, so I'm not overly concerned about vitamin deficiencies at the moment. I might add in a multi vitamin at some point, but unless it becomes necessary, I'm not concerned about it. Hair is great, skin is great, nails are great (despite getting painted all the goddamn time) and as long as everything continues to be great, GREAT! My main concern is really just maintaining a calorie deficit.

I feel like I'm very much in a cocoon right now- I've cut myself off from all except my closest friends and sister, and no one else has seen me or heard from me. I'm not on facebook, not on my regular Instagram except to do my ad rating thing, and I haven't recorded a podcast in months! I'm really just focusing on myself right now, and transforming myself into who I've always wanted to be, while discovering what I'm capable of. Every day is a new excitement when I see I've dropped some weight- and little by little, I'm excitedly watching the changes in my face and body as they transform, finally revealing themselves after being covered up by so much ugly fat for so long. I'm also slowly getting things in motion for the next phase of my yarn shop, so that's transforming too. Everything feels like it's suspended in goo right now, just like the inside of a cocoon, but I know that when I eventually emerge from my self imposed isolation, I'm gonna be sitting on a rock solid foundation of confidence and stability, a foundation I finally built myself. I might be a late as fuck bloomer, but better late than never!

*yawn* ok, it's definitely bed time now. I'm tuckered out. I've been having really vivid, colorful dreams lately, so I'm kinda curious to see what madness I'll fall into tonight. My dreams lately have ranged from hog tying someone, to knocking someone out with a text book, to examining the crotch of an elaborately embroidered, antique Italian theater costume (nope, not gonna touch that one, but the embroidery was lovely!) Fingers crossed for a weight below 172 tomorrow!

FINALLY.

I've been stuck on a weight loss plateau for the last MONTH. I've been hovering between 175 and 177, and FINALLY TODAY I am down to 174. I worked out hard today, kept my calories low, and tomorrow could be even better! I mean, I know it would be better if I could freakin' poop. I haven't been drinking enough water lately and the coffee I've been trying to compensate with isn't helping very much. Everything gets a little messed up when I get my period, though. 

I have the sweetest freakin' nails on right now. They totally remind me of Peggy Bundy and I love them! 

They are so unbelievably glossy and perfect, I could just stare at them allll daaayyy longgg... oh wait, I kind of have been, haha. So much love for these bad girls. I did them as part of an Instagram nail art challenge that I'm really glad I joined. I may matte them tomorrow, just to see what they look like. Still gorgeous, but I'm sure they'll look really cool. I looooove matte nail polish. NOTE TO SELF, THIS ISN'T YOUR NAIL BLOG SO SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR NAILS NOW, KBYE

I don't really have much else to say at the moment, I guess. I just wanted to record my plateau breaking for posterity. Feelin' pretty pleased with myself right now, after feeling very unpleased and frustrated for so long. That being said, I need to change up my routine again. I want to focus on my arms a little more, namely biceps and triceps. I upped the weights on the last sets each of lunges ("goalposts"), what I call seal flippers, and what I call sea gulls, because I can't remember what the exercises are if I write down their actual names on my little chart. My gut looks a bit smaller today, which is nice... it's finally going into the "just sticks out grossly" stage, as opposed to the "hangs down grossly" stage. Progress is motivating me a little bit, not gonna lie. It's keeping me from stuffing my face with what (admittedly, little) there is around here to stuff my face with, and it helped me get through an entire work out today. I am rapidly becoming less and less amorous towards food, and my stomach definitely doesn't fit as much in it anymore, a welcome side effect of intermittent fasting. When we went out for dinner yesterday, I ate half a plate of nachos (no meat, just cheese, guacamole, beans, jalapenos, radishes, and sour cream) which was probably about 700 cals, and then I could only eat half my chicken caesar salad (ate the rest hours later, not because I was very hungry but because caesar salad gets weird after more than 12 hours or so) which was probably about 350 cals, according to my fella. Actually, he tried to tell me the whole salad was 600 but I'm not buying it. It wasn't a huge salad, but still. It was a Mexican rendition of a caesar salad, so no croutons, and surprisingly not heavy on dressing, but there were chips in it. SELF CONTROL AND DISCIPLINE ARE EFFECTIVE DIETING STRATEGIES, WHO WOULD HAVE FUCKING THOUGHT, EH? 

"I don't really have much else to say," said the girl, before she proceeded to ramble on like a honeysuckle vine that takes over the back fences of six yards in a row. I feel like there was something else I was gonna mention, but it seems to have floated off. Guess it wasn't terribly important! Tra la la. Until next time, then.