#100!

Well, it only took... what, 4 years? but I made it to 100 posts! Incredible, all the things that have happened in these past 4 years. 4 is such a small number, and 4 years is about 1/20th of the average life span. /useless reflections

So I picked up this freelance thing, rating Instagram ads, and it's only an hour a day, but assuming the project lasts at least until the 20th of this month, I'll have an extra $230-$240 by the end of the month. Totally useful, since weight loss by then will necessitate new jeans, and I'll need new summer shoes too. Not to mention I'll need to buy some commercial yarn bases to start the next phase of my shop.
As far as weight loss has gone, I've only lost one more pound, so I'm down to 175, but my excuse is the funk I was in this past weekend. A big ol' cloud of depression settled on me, and I just wanted to fucking eat EVERYTHING. So many reasons why depression makes me want to gorge, and I need to work on eradicating them all. I'm really, really determined to beat this equation in my head, that food=love. IT DOES NOT. I need to seek comfort and solace mentally and spiritually, not with my goddamn taste buds.

What's been helping to curb my binge desires lately, is my nail polish obsession. I've overhauled as much of my stash as I could (I seem to be missing a few polishes, and I know they're around here somewhere, but fuck if I know where!) and I've determined which polishes need thinning, which ones need a little clear added, which ones need mixing balls, etc. I'll be placing a small order with tkb trading soon, to take care of these. I should mention that while my stash is well over 300 bottles, it's positively tiny compared to many stashes out there, which easily number in the thousands. My stash also boasts a number of gorgeous and unique franken polishes that I've mixed myself, and while I originally only started an Instagram for my photo documentation, I've decided to start a new blog to go with it. Yeah, I know I had one a few years ago, but my nails looked really stupid back then and I didn't really know what I was doing yet, just that I liked nail polish. Here's the new one, in case you're interested: Slacquerlacquer. My nail art, and polishing skills in general, have improved VASTLY over the years. And if I'm polishing my nails, perusing my stash, frankening polish, Instagramming it, photographing it, blogging about it... I'm not eating.

Today being Cinco de Mayo, it's also the 8th anniversary of my mother's death, and I feel I'd be remiss if I didn't mention it. I miss her every day, and wonder often how things might have been different in so many ways. There are so many questions I have, that only she could ever answer. So many things I wish I could tell her, and wonder if she knew, like how fucking rotten her sister, the aunt who raised me, was. C'est la vie. C'est la mort, or however you say it in French. Maybe some day I'll get to see her again.

That's all for now, I suppose. I'm getting sleepy before midnight these days, like a normal person. I like it. It's nice to get more daylight in my system.

Spring Has Really Sprung!

I'm feeling much, much better today- with the added bonus of not being all foggy headed and tired from a NyQuil hangover. Managed to maintain at 176 (despite having a baked potato after dinner last night in a fit of hanger, and SMOTHERING it in butter like always), and even got about 60% of a workout done yesterday, despite hocking up about 3 pounds of lung buttah, so I'm slowly getting back on track.

Started some gardening today too, which also required hauling the vacuum to the back. There was quite a bit of spilled dirt to clean up, thanks to Groucho "helping" :-P I learned a sweet gardening tip- all the wool I've got sitting in bags that didn't make the cut for spinning because it was waste from combing has now found a place at the bottom of my pots. Stretches my potting soil further, and as the wool breaks down and rots, it releases nitrogen and all sorts of stuff plants need. What an awesome way to combine two things I love!

I finally fixed my hair yesterday too. Bit the bullet and applied Color Oops! to get as much of the previous dye jobs out as I could. It mostly worked, there's still some really dark color around the bottom part of my face, but with the red application after, it still looks pretty cool. The entire underside of my hair is glorious, glowing red, so if I wear it half up, it looks downright stunning. I was briefly half blonde again though, after the Color Oops!, and it made me really miss being blonde. Gotta earn the blonde back, though. When I get down to 125 pounds, at least- if not 120. But I think at 150 I'll spring for new glasses, and get back to contacts as well.

I'm still astonished at how relatively easy losing the weight has been. Literally, just working out every other day, and having a bit more control with food, and I've already lost 12 pounds. The key is staying motivated and having discipline. That's really it. Also, being honest with yourself as to how much you're eating. But with so many free apps out there to track food intake and calories these days, there's really no excuse as to why you shouldn't know how many calories you're consuming on a daily basis, and how many you actually need to maintain/gain/lose weight. I aim for 1200 or under a day, and though under 1200 isn't ideal, it happens.

Ok, gotta get back to gardening. It's lovely and gray and rainy out right now, and there's a delicious breeze coming in through the windows. Perfect day to start some green happening <3

The plague...

... It's here, ugh. My fella brought it home, and when it hit me, it came in the form of brutal fevers. And now I've got the whole stuffy nose, brutal cough thing. Double dosing on dayquil isn't even fixing my nose. Did I mention it's brutal?

On the bright side, I'm down to 176 now. Not being able to work out is making me really frustrated though. Fuck this noise. Guess I'll try to sleep a little more. I'm really brain dead lately, thanks to the plague. Bahhhhh.

Dietary Discipline

...is something I've never really had. Since I've literally known starvation, my attitude towards food most of my adult life has been  EAT IT QUICK! When you've got it, stock up! Eat until you're full to bursting! Ridiculous, I know.

So today, my fella was home sick, and when I announced I was going out to stock up on green tea, he asked if I could bring home ice cream for him. I don't remember how cheese puffs entered the conversation, but at first I was like UH UH. Not bringing that into the house- I'll fucking eat them! But then, I thought to myself sternly, it's time you learned to fucking control yourself around food instead of acting like a rabid fucking animal.

I went to the store, and I got him a big ol' bag of cheese puffs and mango ice cream. Knowing that I would be sorely tempted, and that I had only consumed black coffee, two carrots, and a dill pickle spear up until that point, I thought to get myself a healthy, small snack. HAHAHA SURPRISE, THERE WERE NONE. Forsooth, 'twas a veritable wasteland of fat and calories everywhere, and knowing that we were having steak for dinner tonight, I sullenly and miserably decided on NOTHING, knowing that carrots and pickles awaited me at home.

The hanger that I experienced threatened to spiral out of control, but I breathed in and out, and locked myself in the back room with some iced black coffee and water, and dove head first back into the skirt I've been knitting. I was extremely successful- not a morsel of either cheese puffs nor ice cream passed my lips! Of course, I did have to run out and get chewing gum- but discovered that Rite Aid was having a sale, so I got 6 packs for $5.

HOLY SHIT I INTERRUPT THIS BLOG TO TELL YOU THAT AS OF RIGHT NOW, I AM OFFICIALLY 179.6 POUNDS :-D

FIRST GOAL WEIGHT ACHIEVED!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow, did not expect that to happen tonight. Damn. Daaaammmmn. YEAH GIRL.

Also, I would like to mention that yesterday was quite the ego day for me. I went out to busk (played violin in the subway for a few hours) and three guys took my picture, one of whom blew me a kiss. One woman (absolutely gorgeous, I might add) asked if I frequented the station often, and told me I was beautiful. And then, when out grocery shopping, our cashier told me I looked "AMAZING!" (Her emphasis, not mine.)

Thanks for the encouragement, world! <3

Cardio is SABOTAGE?!

That's what I learned yesterday. Apparently it's no coincidence that I started walking excessively and suddenly, my progress halted. Excessive, slower cardio, such as long, brisk walks, will cause your body to up its cortisol levels, which in turn causes you to store more fat around your belly.

THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

So, I'm keeping my walks between 1-3 a week. A shame, because I was really enjoying a new game I invented, called Get Fucking Lost, where I'd wander out in a direction, miles past anywhere I'd been before. I've discovered some gorgeous places. If I had a bike- but no, because riding a bike in this city terrifies me. Uh uh. Oh well, at least I'll save money on walking shoes. And my weight is now hovering at 181, a pound above my lowest, so hopefully tomorrow I will start showing progress again. At LEAST down to 180, please body? Thank you <3

NOOOOOOO! IT'S A PLATEAAUUUUU!!!!!!!!!

Ugggghhhh. I am a land whale. A hamplanet. A blubbery mass of sadness and despair :-(

Actually, it seems like I'm not getting enough calories or something. I ate 957 yesterday, and burned most of them off. I might try not working out for a few days. The key to breaking through a plateau is to trick the body, and I am well versed in the art of trickery. 

Yesterday was a rough day. The girls caught their first, real live mouse, and didn't kill it. Just stunned it, a state in which it remained while I wailed hysterically about the poor suffering creature in my living room. I managed to get it into a paper bag, and brought it outside with some minced up carrot bits, and it seemed quite lively by the time I got it into one of the flower boxes outside. This after I discover that a friend of mine was in the hospital after a giant anxiety attack. Then my fella gets home, apparently having a rough day of his own, and decided to take it out on me. He apologized, but fuuuuuuck that shit. Then I went for a long walk after dinner, proudly showing him the 4.6 mile route I had carved out. His response? "That's gay." 

And that's okay. I don't need his approval or validation. I'm losing this weight for me, not him. I know he prefers heavier chicks. My sister is supporting my efforts, thankfully. I'd like to think I don't need a cheerleader, but it's so much easier to stay motivated when you know someone is rooting for you. I was hoping to have more support from him, because he's so knowledgeable about weight loss and body building, but whatever. I've got the internet, and I've got time. 

I AM NOT GIVING UP. 

A Body In Motion, Blah Blah

So my sister decided to send me an early birthday present of a fitness tracker- a Jawbone UP3. I. FUCKING. LOVE. THIS. THING. We compete daily to see who walks more. On days I don't lift weights, I'm doing 6 mile walks. On days I do, three miles. The goal is to go over 10k steps a day. I've been really good about logging all my food, drinking enough water, and changing my sleep habits. It tracks sleep habits too, and heart rate- I was pleased to discover I have an average resting BPM of 56! Average is between 60 and 90, and the lower the number, the better.
I'm a little less thrilled about my weight loss trajectory though. I guess I understand that it's not a continuous downward line but ffs I was literally a pound away from my first goal weight! Now heaven knows when I'll see it. Hopefully by the end of the week? I jumped up three pounds and have been crawling back down since. I've been stricter about food intake also, so that ought to show results soon too.
I wish I could fast forward the process, but Rome wasn't built in a day and all that. Just have to keep moving and not get discouraged.